The world is full of jerks. You know it, and I know it. There we are, minding our own business, when some power-tripping Ken or Karen decides to try their best to ruin our day. But you know what’s the most satisfying? When those jerks bark up the wrong tree and end up messing with the last person on Earth they should mess with. Sit back, sip some tea, and enjoy the karma.
1. The Spreadsheet Expert
I’m kind of the Google Sheets expert at work, and I make lots of new tools for different departments to use. Enter the “new guy” who needed to collect, aggregate, and display a bunch of data. My boss was like, “Send a calendar invite so you can tell her exactly what you want and she can set it up for you.” The new guy was having none of that and insisted he was going to do it all by himself.
Well, a week later, he created this really bad sheet that didn’t have half the information we needed, and we had to have the numbers for the State by the next day. So, my boss asked me to fix it and the new guy was like, “Yeah okay, that’s not really possible. This is as good as it’s going to get!” Boy, was he in for the surprise of his life.
Two hours later, I sent them both a fully functional and automated sheet that did everything we needed it to, and we’d be able to use it indefinitely, which meant that the next time we needed the data for the state report, it would already be done. The new guy ended up saying something like, “I would have added that in if I’d had more time.”
2. A Mythical Blogger
I once went to a museum with my sister and her friend, who I hadn't met before. We got to the Greek art bit and her friend started telling me how she was super into Greek mythology. I thought that was cool because, unbeknownst to her, I was doing a Master's in it at the time and also keeping a blog of myth retellings.
My blog was pretty popular, and it was a relief to have something in common with this stranger. She then got weirdly haughty and told me she probably knew more myths than I did. Being polite, I didn't want to directly challenge her on it, so I just asked her to tell me her favorite so that we could have a conversation about it.
She proceeded to tell me the myth of Daedalus and the Minotaur. I asked her how she'd heard of that one because it's fairly obscure. Her response made my eyes widen. She told me she'd read it on a viral blog post on a blog about mythology. Turns out that it was my blog.
3. Perfect Fencer
While I was in high school, I was the reigning city fencing champion in both the youth and adult tournaments. My high school decided to do a school-wide fencing unit for Phys. Ed. and the coach they brought in to teach all of the students was my actual coach. During my classes, my coach naturally brought me up to help demonstrate the various moves.
However, for some reason one of my classmates didn't understand that I wasn't chosen at random. He started talking about how I looked like I didn't know what I was doing, and how he could probably completely cream me in a duel. Now, he actually was pretty good for a guy who'd never fenced before, and at the first opportunity, he decided to have a go at me. It was about to go down.
I picked him apart, not giving up a single touch, and used the opportunity to practice my parry and ripostes. I admit I took a bit of sadistic pleasure in thoroughly beating him. Afterward, my coach made a point of congratulating the other guy for doing so well against the city champ, which changed his attitude considerably.
4. Unexpected Baller
I'm a very unassuming-looking guy. 5'8", 150 pounds, and not a tattoo to be found. But back in the day, I was pretty athletic and I could hang in games with fringe D1 or semi-pro guys. I can't emphasize how much I didn't look like it at all. Anyway, in college, while hanging out in someone's room, it came up that I played basketball a bit.
Out of nowhere, some dude I didn't know started running his mouth about how he could destroy me. He just wouldn't stop talking. I gave him every out until it basically became personally offensive. The other guys were a bit tired of this guy hanging around and they knew I could play, so we all trooped over to the gym, late in the winter, so we could settle things.
Here's a spoiler alert: I ended up winning 11-0. I'm not sure if we played after that, but I remember it was 11-0 because I made sure to not let the guy score. And I'm a pretty mellow guy—I would have laid off and let him score a couple when it was clear that I was better, but this guy was a real jerk, so I just clamped down on him start to finish. I blocked a ton of his shots.
He stopped hanging around nearly as much after that, so I was kind of a hero to the rest of the guys. I totally drove that snake out of our nation.
5. A Tricky Pool Player
While I'd never claim I was an expert, I used to be pretty good at pool. My aunt and uncle had a pool table in their basement and my parents, for a variety of reasons, would go over regularly and spend all day there. There was nothing else for me and my brother to do, so we just played pool all day for years. Eventually, we got bored and saw that they had a book on trick shots, so we started doing that for fun.
I never really mastered the tricks, but they made for really good practice in understanding how to get the ball to do what you wanted. So anyway, for my buddy’s 20th birthday, he wanted to go to a pool hall and he invited a ton of people. Then he told me it was going to be a tournament, with drinks for individual games and a 50/50 type of deal for the winner.
He would get half regardless because it was his birthday, and he insisted I attend. We got there, started the first game, and they broke, That would end up being the only shot they got. At the end of it, I just looked at him and said, "I told you not to invite me..." I found out afterward that a bunch of them had never even played pool before and I felt pretty bad, so I took the money and bought everyone drinks with it.
6. You're Fired
I was 19 shopping with a friend. She was (still is) a smaller person than myself. She was trying on a shirt and needed a size up so i took it back out to find a bigger size. I couldn't locate it so I ask a sales girl if she could help me find a bigger size. She takes the shirt in a gruff way. I ignore it. She comes back with a hat and hands it to me. I say, "Um what's this?"
She said, "This is the only thing in this store that will fit you", contempt dripping from her lips. I'm like, oh I see. I go to the dressing room, tell my friend we need to leave now. She gets dressed. Tries to clean her mess I tell her leave it. We walk out, I go to the register with the hat, it's busy. My friend asks what's up with the hat. I say loudly, "
According to that girl this is the only thing in the store that fits me." My friend, shocked, lost her mind. Because her parents owned the store. That's how I got a girl fired because I was feeling petty. Saw that girl later that week where I worked. I smiled and showed her what customer service should be.
7. No, I’m Closed for Business
When I worked at McDonald's, I found out we didn't get paid for closing. We got paid until the store closed, so if it took us an extra hour or two to close, that was unpaid. I wish I knew what I know now, because that is an open and shut case, but at the time, I was young and dumb. My first paycheck, I noticed I had a ton of missing hours.
So, when I asked my boss about it, she told me we only get paid until the store closed. So that night, I walked out when the store closed. They tried to guilt me into staying, because "the other team members need me.” Screw that. I don't work for free, sorry. Especially when I'm already making minimum wage.
8. I Walk the Line
I was 18 years old and working at a movie theater concession stand on an extra busy day. My coworkers made themselves busy doing things that didn’t need to be done (like checking toilet paper or organizing candy) instead of helping me with a long line of customers that wrapped itself around the entire stand. One lady got extremely nasty with me because I didn’t butter the middle of her popcorn the way she had wanted me to. She was literally screaming at me for it.
I looked around and saw one of my coworkers just watching me and laughing as they pretended to clean the ticket booth window. That was the final straw. I logged out of the computer system, closed the cash register, walked out of the concession stand, slammed the door behind me, told the customer she was a jerk who didn’t need more butter, told my coworker to go screw himself, and walked right out of the theater—leaving the long and very confused line of customers completely unattended.
I never went back despite the fact that they were apparently willing to forgive me because this “wasn’t my usual behavior.”
9. Pizza Bake-Off!
A neighbor on my block in Brooklyn challenged me to a pizza bake-off. I recently catered pizza for my daughter’s school and word got around the neighborhood my pizza was pretty darn good. My first thought was, "This guy is a Brooklyn native; my pizza will be terrible compared to his!" But there was something about him bragging that made challenging him irresistible.
He talked about how pizza was in his blood, and how his dad ran the pizza place around the corner years ago. I remained silent and let my skills answer for themselves. I got a buddy to let us use one of Baker's Pride ovens at his restaurant. We even had total strangers try our pizzas. Every last person chose my pizza over his.
I never mentioned to him that I'd worked in pizza places almost every day for the last thirty years. I never mentioned that when I'm not working at a pizza place, I'm making pizzas at home at least once every two days. I never mentioned that at nine years old, I knew that I wanted to be a pizza man. Here I am at 45, getting ready to start my own pizza business.
10. Silver Strikers
My brother and his best friend were in Baltimore for a baseball weekend in 2009. They were hanging out at a bar across from Camden Yards and there was a Silver Strike bowling video game at the venue. In our local bar back in Boston, we had one as well. I’m decent at the gam,e but my brother and his buddy were really amazing at this game. They were bowling 300 games and whatnot.
So these two random dudes were playing the game while drinking. We asked them if we could play once they were done, and they asked us if we wanted to play against them instead. We said sure and the rest was history. My brother and his buddy absolutely destroyed them. Like, it wasn’t even close. The dudes said it was a fluke and they wanted a rematch, but this time for a round of drinks. Again, annihilation city.
Even after that, they kept wanting to play, hoping to eventually win a game. After thirteen whole rounds, they finally gave up. They were great guys. We saw them the next day at the same bar and they walked up to us with drinks in hand, asking for yet another rematch. To this day we still hang out with them whenever we go to Baltimore. And to this day, they have never won.
Wikimedia Commons, Daniel Benavides
11. With Just One Letter
I dated a guy in college who was incredibly book smart. He was working on his master’s with the intention to pursue a Ph.D. I was doing the good old five-year plan for college and I was quite content with my level of brainpower compared to his. What he underestimated was my fondness for word games, especially Scrabble. I like to think I'm quite good.
Well, in the three years we dated, we only played Scrabble once, and I beat the Scrabble tiles out of him. But the icing on the cake was the epic way in which I had secured my victory—I got a 50+ word score for playing just one letter. He literally wiped all the letters off the board and had a small hissy fit, claiming that I cheated. I got out my trusty Scrabble dictionary and proved his loss.
12. No Holds Barred
Stated dating a girl a few months back and her ex was being just a huge jerk to her, threatening to fight me if he saw me, trying to start rumors, etc...Went out for drinks with the girlfriend and, of course, he shows up. Starts to get in my face at the bar and gets kicked out. Rushes the door guy to get back in and is carried out and banned from that bar for life.
Then I had another genius thought...what if I could do this at the bar next door..? (It's a smallish town. There are really only two bars worth going to for nightlife, and they're right next door to each other). So, we go next door. He's waiting outside for me but there's the usual "don't do it bro!" friends around him so I make it next door without having to fight. Of course, he comes in, starts his act and actually tries to fight me this time.
He gets pulled off by a few people and is also kicked out of that bar for at least a while. Fight with your brain, not your fists.
13. Not a Good Place to Lie About Your Priors
My sister got T-boned by a car, causing a concussion, when I was younger. Long story short, we were in court with the judge, who asked the driver if he had ever sped before. “No, your honor, I never speed” was his reply. The judge asked him a couple more times if he was sure, if he never sped. Ever? The driver was adamant that he never sped and never had before.
A few minutes later, my sister's lawyer gave the judge some paperwork. She read it, and said to the driver, “It seems that you have some past driving violations. Can you tell me what they are for?” He looked down, "............ speeding." The driver had to pay medical bills for my sister.
14. Too Little, Too Late
I was working as a general manager at a struggling restaurant—struggling despite excellent business, because the owners would do stupid things like take trips to Italy on the company dime to source the "perfect" panini press. They also wouldn't staff properly; I was the only waiter ever there, open to close, six days a week, on top of handling phone orders, inventory, and other managerial duties. I was wildly overworked, but I sucked it up because the base pay was good, plus tips.
However, to fund their lavish "business" trips, costs had to be cut at the store. They decided to do this by bumping me down to minimum wage for tipped employees—effectively cutting my salary to 1/10 of its previous level. They were also too chicken to tell me until I got my new teeny paycheck and questioned the mistake. "Oh yeah haha, forgot to mention that blah blah cost-cutting blah valued team member please work with us through this difficult time."
I had worked for two weeks at this new lower rate without my knowledge. Pretty sure that's illegal, but hey, a lot of illegal things go on in the restaurant industry. That's not when I rage quit, though....a couple of hours later, I'm fuming and have decided that I can't work for the lower rate, so now I’m just waiting for the perfect chance to give my notice.
They called in a delivery guy who was fired a few weeks before, and they talk about hiring him to start doing our Facebook posts and handing out flyers around town. Whatever. Then I hear them offer him close to my old salary as "Promotions Manager"! What??? I was basically running the place for $2.13/hr and you're offering this dude almost $20/hr to walk up and down the street saying "Eat at (Name)"?
And yet, it gets worse. They bring up our negative Yelp reviews and this guy suggests asking friends to post positive ones. The boss starts laughing and says "Better not ask our waitress to post one, it'll be all boohoo don't eat there, I can't pay my rent this month because they cut my pay without telling wahhhh!" I don’t think I was supposed to hear that, but I was five feet away, so of course I did.
I RAGED! I quit on the spot, told them to screw their job, and wished them good luck keeping the place open without me. They quickly realized I was right, as neither of them knew how to do more than pick up the takings once a week. They begged me not to quit. They were so desperate that they sat there for half an hour and allowed me to bluntly tell them exactly what kind of huge idiots I thought they were in excruciating detail.
I went on and on as my rage burned, and they just quietly listened, nodding and apologizing. Once I had cursed myself back into calmness, I walked out, 30 minutes before the dinner rush began, leaving them with an unstaffed floor and no clue how to even open the cash register. God, they were morons. I loved that they actually listened to me telling them exactly how stupid they were. No repercussions on my side, as the restaurant industry isn't known for checking references.
The place closed down about 18 months later, and I was surprised it even made it that long.
15. Never a Bright Idea to Assume
I'm a lawyer. Opposing counsel decided that I had coached my witness, gave him lines to repeat, and that he was lying. Short version is that he asked the witness if he spoke to me before he testified. Witness said he had. Attorney looked like he thought he had me. Attorney asked the witness what I told him, what instructions I gave him.
Witness looked him dead in the eye and said, “First thing he told me was to tell the truth no matter what. He said the lawyer is never the one who goes to jail, that he isn’t going to jail for me, and if I lie, I’m on my own.” Attorney looked like someone took the air out of him. Everyone in the courtroom simultaneously looked at me.
Only time I’ve smirked or laughed in court. I wanted to put my feet up on the table like I was Vincent LaGuardia Gambini, hands behind my head, and say, “I’m done with this guy.”
16. Kart Battles!
I was visiting Kyoto a couple of years ago. My wife and I walked into a tiny bar that had five people in suits laughing and talking in Japanese. We instantly knew that this was not a tourist bar and felt pretty out of place. The bartender spoke the most English, so I asked him what his favorite Shochu was. Things got a little more comfortable as we drank and eventually, the whole bar tried to talk to us.
Someone mentioned Mario Kart and I said, “Yeah, yeah,” so the bartender pointed to an old Super Famicom in the corner, and apparently, I had accepted the challenge. I smiled to myself and my wife thought it was funny because I used to have some skill at the game. I had no idea what to expect, but when the bartender selected Battle Mode...I was floored.
I hadn’t played in a few years, and he buried me in less than a minute. The whole bar was laughing and I was a little stunned. But then got to the second and third rounds. I destroy him. Three balloons to zero. Everyone cheered except for the bartender. Two shots were put in front of me, and I threw one down. Round 3. We were down to one balloon each and I swear it was the longest battle round of all time.
I was sweating. Shell, dodge, shell, dodge. I had him in my sights and I fired. It missed. The shell bounced off the wall and I self-KO'd. The crowd went wild. So that’s the story of how a self-proclaimed Mario Kart expert embarrassed himself and his country in a small bar in Kyoto. We drank a lot and made a lot of great friends that night that we’ll never see again.
17. The Best Shot
For reference, this is clay pigeon shooting, known as ‘trap’ in the south. Well, I'm from a rural area and not exactly super "southern," so when I'd go to other trap fields to practice in different conditions, there's always a person or two who place bets with me. This is definitely an old money sport with some of the bets going upwards of 5,000 dollars.
I had an old BT-100 that I got in a trade for a lead shot and some cash on the side. While the shot was not cheap, it was still much lower than other people’s shots and some folks would take that and assume I was a newbie. But they'd end up learning their lesson pretty quickly—the team I was on went to the Nationals almost every year from 2011 to 2018.
It was always funny because some would be good sports, but others would throw an absolute fit. One time, I saw one guy damage a 10,000 Perazzi because someone else had beat him. There was a guy from the county next to us who could blow us out of the water, and he always shot with an 870 pump...from Walmart.
18. Fight Night
In college, my buddies and I always got the new fighting game whenever it came out, and we would put in a few hundred hours or so on it, just goofing around with the various modes before dropping it. During that time, we'd have fight nights a couple of times a week where we'd all get together at someone's place and duke it out.
It's not like I never won, but I was always just middle of the pack. After two years of this, no one would ever consider me to be some sort of fighting game wizard...until one fateful day when my luck changed for the better. For the first time ever, the group decided to pick up a 3D fighter instead of a 2D one: Soul Calibur 3 I think. Unknown to anyone in our playgroup, I had previously been obsessed with Soul Calibur 3, playing for 10 hours a day.
I had done this every day, for three to four years, playing against five other people who were doing the same and were just as good as me. It honestly wasn't even that fun. After the first half-hour, they were playing with 200% health while I was playing with 50%, picking random character select, and I still hadn't passed the controller once. After that, it was agreed that we would all play only 2D fighters from then on.
19. A Professional Lesson
I just graduated from teacher's college and I’ve been working as a casual relief in the meantime. I play lacrosse is generally a small sport and even smaller here in Australia. I tried out for the last World Cup team and made it to the final cut. I was working with another teacher who was also stationed at the school. Before the period he spoke to me and said, “Hey mate, we are doing lacrosse today.”
He continued, “It’s a bit of an odd sport that's hard to teach, so just wait over there and then you can just help with supervision,” and walked off. Being a CRT from an agency, I wasn’t sure how I should speak to him. I tried to tell him that I used to play competitively but he didn’t give me a second, so I just listened and did my thing.
After a few minutes, I had enough. I just grabbed a stick and ball and started to work my way around the class, giving them pointers and hints. The way he was teaching was completely incorrect and I didn’t want to say anything, so when the kids broke off into groups, I kind of just taught them the correct way. He pulled me over at a drinks break and asked how I knew so much about lacrosse.
I told him about my playing history and his jaw dropped. He asked why I didn’t speak up and say anything and I said I tried to tell him. Anyway, I ended up running the rest of the class and even ended up teaching him and the correct way to teach the game.
Wikimedia Commons, Henning Schlottmann
20. Surprise Ping Pong
I was hanging out with a girl who I was seeing at the time, and they had a ping pong table near the bar. Two guys were playing, and they were making a big show about how good they thought they were. They were showing off with grunting, rolled sleeves, the works. When I handed them back a wayward shot, I made a comment about how it looked fun to play.
They said that I could get the next game after one guy who was waiting, but their “rule” was any challenger they added in the queue to play would have to buy drinks for everyone else if that challenger lost. Little did they know what they were getting themselves into. I played competitive ping pong in a league back in med school and had placed highly in some New York City championships.
I still play every so often in my current city and I have won a few tournaments here as well. I ended up destroying the two guys. I didn’t have to pay for a drink or give up my spot until my date was ready to go. No one even made it out of the single digits.
21. Can’t Keep Up
During an insanely busy weekend before Christmas, a Karen was complaining to every associate about how messy our store was. The manager had relieved the girl at the fitting room and was helping to hang up the clothes. Karen pulled her stunt and was trying to make a point that we were messy and a horrible place to shop.
The manager’s response was legendary. She told her, "Ma'am, we're messy at the moment because we're a popular store. And the biggest reason is because of women like you who can't be bothered to pick up after themselves. It's not the associates making the mess. Your type has us outnumbered." That’s when I witnessed someone deflate.
Unsplash
22. Beware The Water
I was a competitive swimmer for 14 years, including four years of NCAA, but I'm on the shorter side, so people don't assume I was any good. I was at a friend’s house on a lake one summer, and a macho guy challenged me to race to a buoy in the middle of the lake, to prove... something, I guess. The lake is deceptively large, about a half-mile across, so I warned him that if he wasn't a strong swimmer, it could be dangerous.
He was running out of gas after about two minutes, so I offered to let him off the hook. He still insisted he would finish. After I went to the buoy and started swimming back, I looked over at him and just sighed. I found him floundering, so I lifeguard swam him back to the house. His ego took a deserved hit that day. Don't get overconfident around water, even if you think you're a strong swimmer.
23. Forty-Eight!
In primary school, I'd say grade three or four, we had a head-to-head times tables tournament. The teacher would ask a random multiplication question to a pair of students at a time, and the winner progressed. I wasn't exactly an expert at times tables, but I was an expert at 6 x 8. For whatever reason, 6 x 8 just wouldn't stick in my head when I was younger, so I had to spend additional time to bring the answer to the forefront of my mind.
I was decently prepared for any other multiplication problem, so while waiting my turn I was constantly repeating in my mind: "six times eight equals 48, six times eight equals 48, six times eight equals 48" over and over again. That strategy would end up working in my favor. Lo and behold, when it was finally my turn to be quizzed, the teacher casually selected 6 x 8.
Not an iota of time had elapsed from the teacher finishing her sentence when I yelled "48!" The astonishment spread as I became a human-computer in the eyes of my peers. Even the teacher was taken back. I went on to win the tournament, having already won in the minds of my would-be opponents. It was more than victory; it was complete annihilation.
24. Hustling On The Table
While in undergrad, I brought a new college buddy over to an old high school friend's house to hang out. There were a couple of other friends there, just hanging around, drinking, and playing pool. My new buddy was a pretty low-key guy; a wallflower, if you will. When he first meets people, he can be pretty quiet and he tends to seem a little out of place.
But after he gets to know people, he opens up and is a blast to be around. My old buddies, for some reason, decided to hustle my new buddy in pool. I mean, super textbook shark moves. "Let's play a friendly game, and if you think you're any good at it, we can play for money," etc. Well, I knew something that they all didn't, and it would come to shock them—my new buddy played on the circuits for a while, winning pool tournaments across Texas.
He lived and breathed pool, and, of course, he saw these guys coming from a mile away. I just watched it all go down. I figured, if they are going to treat someone that I bring over in a snobby way, they deserve what they get. He roped 'em in as only he could. He missed some super easy shots to keep the game interesting and then pulled out the "lucky" win...
Soon after, they played for money. I can't even remember how much per ball, but he played two or three games, slowly playing better or "lucking out" just enough to keep them engaged while still taking their money. Then, the last game happened, and I'd never seen someone come alive more quickly. He sank shot after shot after shot.
These were shots I couldn't make if I practiced for a year straight. The entire time, he kept taunting them and updating how much money they owed them. I don't think my old friend had a chance to take a shot at all. Afterward, they were all furious: "How could you bring this guy over here and let him hustle us like that??"
"How could you try to hustle a new friend of mine just minutes after I bring him over and introduce him to you?" I snarled back. "You earned this one, man." It ended happily, though. They all became good friends and they are still in contact with each other two decades later.
25. Whose Paper Is This Again?
There was a story about an old geotechnical engineer who used to work for the company that I work for. Several senior staff had to attend a meeting with the client, and some government regulatory staff were being awkward and not approving the design. The geotech guy was pretty much quiet the whole meeting. Throughout the discussion, the government guy kept referencing this one research document and rejecting any other suggestions.
Near the end of the meeting, the geotech guy asked the government guy if he had the research paper with him. He said yes and placed it on the table. The geotech guy then pointed to the author of the paper while simultaneously sliding over a business card. That's when he executed his "gotcha" moment. Turned out, it was the geotech guy’s own paper that the government guy had been referencing to defend his argument. The government guy went bright red and apparently approved the design the same day.
26. Climbing For Money
A local mall had a portable climbing wall. "Make it to the top and win $100," a sign read. The route was actually pretty challenging. As I walked by, the guy asked me if I’d like to try. He told me, “Nobody has made it to the top, so do you think you can do it, buddy?” At that time, I hadn't disclosed my big secret—I was a top 12-ranked climber in my age group and I kind of laughed to myself.
After taking my $100, I then proceeded to call the rest of my climbing team, and one by one they went to the mall and claimed their $100. After the fourth person, they got suspicious and took the sign down. We later told him we were all nationally ranked competitive climbers, and he got a good laugh. The company that owned the rentals was the one who lost the money—he just worked the booth and wasn’t the one who lost the prize money.
Shutterstock
27. Tetris, Attacked!
There is this old SNES game called Tetris Attack that I played religiously when I was growing up. I got pretty good at it. I'm actually still half-decent, but I only play every few months when I visit my family. Anyhow, I was kinda-sorta seeing this guy and I have NO idea how the topic came up, but he challenged me a game of Tetris Attack.
He was NOT ready for what was coming to him. I had sincere doubts that he had ever played before despite his posturing, and it turned out...I was right. I trounced him and he actually said, "How are you so good at this stupid game?" Practice, my dude. Years of practice.
28. Submarine Cruise
My wife and I were taking an evening cruise for adults in Portsmouth Bay. The ship drove around the shipyard, where my submarine and several others were stationed. My wife and I were having a quiet drink when a really loud know-it-all started spouting misinformation about each submarine. He was calling them all the wrong classes, the wrong names, etc.
He literally pointed to my submarine and said, "...and that is a 637 class." My wife finally spoke up and said, "Actually, it's a 688." The guy got all gruff and scoffed: "Well how would you know?" My wife smiled and hugged my arm. She dropped the bombshell in the sweetest way ever: "That's my husband’s submarine, it is the Minneapolis St Paul, SNN-708." His faceturned beat red while his date laughed.
29. Clocked on the Dock
I was waiting to put in at a boat ramp in Florida one day. It was a single ramp, the guy trying to take his boat out of the water was having a tough time backing his trailer down. His wife (I assume) and two kids were waiting on the dock. Some jerk waiting to get out of the water starts screaming at him and heckling him. The first guy finally gets his trailer down the ramp, meanwhile, raging jerk had docked his boat and started up the dock towards the poor boating newbie family guy screaming and yelling.
Then the raging jerk finally just loses it. He punches family guy and knocks him off the dock into the water. Two burly dudes who nobody was really paying attention to walk up, literally grab raging jerk as family guy was falling in the water, throw him on the dock and handcuff him, then flashed their FL DNR badges. They were undercover watching the boat ramp. There was applause and cheering from the folks waiting to put in and take out.
Family guy just wants to get out there and go home, so he declines to press charges. The DNR guys apparently thought "aw heck no," proceed to tear the guy's boat and car apart and ended charging him with a BUI and every single nitpicky thing they could find wrong his boat. It was a good day.
30. Penny for Your Thoughts
I used to deliver pizza for Dominos. It was my last shift and there was this house that was always rude. For example, I called to asked what the house looked like and they said "I gave you the address" and hung up on me. They also never tipped. Well, I got to their house and they gave me a check for one cent less than what the total was.
I said, "I am going to need the extra penny.” They grumbled off and took their time, hoping I would give up, but I just sat there holding the pizza. They finally came back all ticked off and gave me the penny. No tip. This time I came up with an ingenious plan. When they gave me the penny, I chucked it out into the street and left. They saw me do it. It was SATISFYING.
31. Silence Speaks Volumes
In high school bio, we had to get in groups and create a Bill Nye style informative video. My group was done recording and I just had to do the editing with all the transitions, effects, titles, etc. And anyone who has ever done any type of movie or trailer knows that post-production is twice the time and effort as shooting.
There I am just finished and submitted onto YouTube and this guy who's been calling me names all year comes up to me and asks, "Hey man can you do my video editing because I don’t how to do it?" I told him no and then he proceeded to offer me $5 for a week's worth of headaches and work. I just walked off with saying anything. A satisfying silence ensued.
32. Cheaters Never Prosper
I knew a crazy kid in elementary school. Kid jumped across the table and tried to choke me out. I instigated it by saying he was "cuckoo for cocoa puffs" since that was the only thing that kid ever talked about and he was wearing a cocoa puffs shirt that day. Senior year of high school, turns out that kid was in my Design class.
I needed to get a C or better on the final. Over the year, I found out the kid was taking my work off my share drive and copying it. For the final, I purposely screwed up the drawing in my folder, but the kid didn't double-check it. He turned it in and failed and had to go back and be a super senior.
33. Lifting Weights
I am a government auditor. One of the programs I oversee is a sort of boarding school for teens with delinquency history and it’s very athletics heavy. I’ve put on like 30 pounds of body fat since getting this mostly sedentary job and drifting into bad nutrition habits. Basically, I’m meaty underneath with above-average strength.
Prior to this job, I had a side gig as a personal trainer and posing coach. At the program one day, I needed to interview a student who didn’t want to leave his weightlifting class. He told me he’d talk to me if I could deadlift the bar he was working with, like 90 kg. He would soon regret making that wager with me. The staff was visibly annoyed that this guy was giving me a hard time, but I was wearing stretchy pants, so I gave it a quick set-up and pull.
The interview followed and now it’s an ongoing joke at the program that when I ask for interviews, they ask if I need chalk or anything for the mandatory deadlift.
34. Through Fire And Flames
My college has a dedicated gaming room in its central building. There are TVs for people to plug in whatever they want. I went in one day and saw someone playing Guitar Hero. He was playing on Expert, so he was decently good, but he was not perfect. I sat down, chatted him up, and eventually, he challenged me. It was a Pro-Face-Off on Through the Fire and Flames.
I'm not perfect at Through The Fire And Flames, but I figured what the heck, it'll be fun. Well, our fearless protagonist got a little too big for his boots on that one—he couldn't even hit the intro. The higher your combo in Guitar Hero, the more your score is multiplied, all the way up to 4x. If you don't hit the intro and can't keep your 4x through the fast strumming at the beginning, you're immediately behind somewhere in the echelon of 30k to 60k points.
The solos didn't fare him much better. He blamed his gear.
35. Forwards And Backwards
I have studied memorization techniques and mnemonics. I decided to have a bit of fun with my teacher. He wanted us to write down a list of 20 items. He was the type of guy to quickly call you out for not paying attention in class. I sat there memorizing the list in my head knowing full well he would see me not writing anything down.
He chewed me out for not taking notes, as predicted. He took the bait. I said, "I have it all in my head." I knew he would call me out and have me recite the list. The next day, he turned to me in the middle of his lecture and had the biggest smug smile. "So, what were those items from yesterday?" I immediately proceeded to list them in order without hesitation. Then listed them backward. His smile grew bigger and bigger, and the rest of the class was cracking up!
36. The Google Boys
Astronomer here! If we were to just meet on the street, you probably wouldn't guess I was a scientist since I am a woman who enjoys dresses when the weather is nice. This was doubly true when I was a few years younger in my 20s and single. At the end of college, I was doing a summer internship in Mountain View, California where if you went out there'd be a lot of Google boys.
They would literally sometimes wear "Google" shirts so you'd know. I remember getting stuck chatting with one, and when he asked my major, he sneered at me saying, "D you really know the subject?" He asked me if I knew what the Heisenberg Uncertainty principle was, and I explained it in great detail. When I later explained his 20 other questions, he said "it's probably not so hard because they go easy on women because they don't want to scare them off."
Oh, but it gets better—he then he proceeded to tell me at length about a lecture he attended in Mountain View that he'd been lucky enough to visit, as a Google employee, by Jill Tarter who runs the SETI Institute. He even went as far as to tell me about the Allen Telescope Array they were building in northern California because I "might not know about it."
I gave him a minute for his spiel, then proceeded to drop the mic—I actually was working for Jill that summer at the SETI Institute, on interference mitigation for the Allen Telescope Array. And did he want to hear what she was really like, or see some pictures from the ATA site? I'd also just met Frank Drake, and he was really nice! Oh man, was that guy not happy! But at least he stopped talking to me like right after.
37. Yes, I Do Know, Really
I’m a female mechanical engineer and I often get people working at Lowe’s, car shops, and dealerships talk down to me or say that I don’t understand basic concepts. For instance, a guy at Lowe’s swore up and down that bolt threading and pipe threading was the same thing. Another guy swore there were no diamond-tipped hole saws and tried to sell me a Dremel for the same job. I then found one in the tile section.
I’ve had mechanics swear up and down that my air filter in my car needed to be changed when I had just changed it weeks before, and my filter is circular and not square like the one they brought out to me. The best is the car salesmen though—they don’t seem to really care about my opinion, especially if my husband is there.
I’m usually the car buying decision-maker, but my husband also knows a ton about cars, and so they try to sell to him. It’s always hilarious. I usually just let them talk and clarify later with my husband because I’m not out to embarrass anybody.
38. Teaching Him a Real Lesson
I know a big, popular high school mean kid who thought it would be funny to punch this male teacher in the back of the head when he was walking by in front of him. He picked the WRONG teacher. The teacher instinctively reacted and punched the guy back. The student went down hard. He got suspended and nothing else happened to him or the teacher. But this isn't the end of the story.
About eight years later, the student came back to the high school and asked to speak with that teacher. He actually THANKED the teacher for what happened that day. The guy said to the teacher that his punch completely changed the course of his life. He had been running with a rough crowd and thought he was big and bad.
He had thought nothing of beating people up. But after the incident and getting punched by the teacher, he realized that he underestimated how quickly things can change when you go up against the wrong guy. He completely changed how he approached the world, got out of trouble, got a good job, and was about to get married. And he credits that incident with changing the course of his life: punching the wrong person.
39. Tablet That Idea
I worked customer service for a big tech company. A pair of nightmares called Christmas week demanding we fly a pair of tablets to their home by private helicopter for Christmas morning. Their tone was abrasive, dismissive, and entitled. After much work on my end to calm them down, they demanded to speak to management.
I patched them over to senior advisors. The head advisor idiot-slapped them with logic and policy, “We see you placed your order after our Christmas cut-off date. No special deliveries can be made as all our couriers are working overtime to deliver to customers who had the foresight to order early.” Thus, they were banished.
40. Underling-ering
At my work, we had this HR lady who was extremely power-hungry. She was walking around with the president of the company who flew in from Japan, acting like she owned the place. She hurried him through the warehouse spitting out, “Oh, these are just the warehouse guys. We don’t have to stop and talk to them.” Well, what he did next made her fume.
He stopped, came over, and asked me about my last vacation. Then he asked about how my new house was, and so on. You could just see her stewing behind him as we talked for about 45 minutes. In the past, I’d actually had multiple meetings with him, and we knew each other really well. She had no clue. I don’t think he liked her and I suspect that he dragged it out on purpose. I was just thrilled to see her just standing there bored and angry.
41. Not High Enough
A co-worker of mine was flying back from a sales conference in Vegas and was able to upgrade to a first-class seat. Our dreadful sales VP was the snobby, entitled type with a full-time nanny and huge ugly McMansion in the suburbs, and she generally treated people who worked for her like servants. She was on the same flight.
She saw him in a first-class seat as she walked the path to coach and asked how he got there. As people were settling in, she made her way back to the first-class cabin and asked to speak with the lead flight attendant. She told him that one of her subordinates was sitting in first class and she needed to switch seats.
She told him it was because she was higher on the corporate ladder. The guy couldn't believe what he was hearing, but she would not take no for an answer. Finally, he said to her that she had to go back to her seat or she would be escorted from the plane. She made a complete fool of herself in front of all of first-class.
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42. Spoke Too Soon
I worked for eight years servicing communications equipment on-site with five employees under me as the department manager. When oil was found in our area, we got so busy that we could barely even think. Most of my team were pulling 12+ hour days, six days a week, and we were struggling to hire people quickly enough to help get all the work done.
Once, the CEO texted and said he hired an assistant manager for me, which was something I desperately needed. I was super dirty from my working at the site, and swung by the store to get him and bring him to one of our sites where he would be doing paperwork. As soon as he got in the truck, he immediately started bad-mouthing.
Every time he would say something wrong, I would try to politely correct him. He’d either backtrack or insist that I was wrong. When we got to the site in the desert, he complained about the layer of dust on everything and "ordered me" to clean up. I sat down and, the guy kept talking my ear off about everything wrong.
He chastised me for sitting at my desk when he had told me to clean up. That’s when I couldn’t take it anymore. I called a taxi, filled out a notice of termination, and gave it to him. He was shocked, and defiantly protested that only the manager could fire him. I asked, “[my name], right?” He sheepishly nodded. So, I stuck my hand out and introduced myself.
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43. Satellite Reminder
I had a hard childhood with an addict father. My mom struggled to make ends meet, and my first job paid for the mortgage. After several months, I finally had some money to spend on a computer and a decent internet connection. At the time, the best internet I could buy was part of a dish combo package, and I bought one.
I brought the dish home to install on the house. My dad was still living at home with us, but he was barely home, and my parents had all but separated. My dad asked me what I was doing putting a dish on his house. I let him know that I was paying the mortgage now and the one who would make the decisions on what we did.
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44. Quit It
A new employee came from a competitor, and her former boss actually called to shout at me about "poaching" his consultants. However, a few weeks after she started, the dude came to our office. He had apparently been calling her to do an analysis for him. She’d ghosted him. I went to the lobby to see what he was doing.
He started in on me again, and she walked by. Then he literally "demanded" she do this analysis. She just said, "or what?" and waited a few beats before turning on her heels and walking away. I pointed to the door to signal him to "leave or a large security man will make you leave," and never heard from him after that.
45. On My Own Time
This old boss of mine was a complete and total jerk, and he was actually my boss’ boss and wasn’t supposed to interact with us unless it was through our boss. But he just loved trying to make everybody under him squirm. The company had already forced him to go to training twice because of how he was speaking to people.
One day, I got a call at home from him, and he started unloading, cursing, name-calling, insulting me over some technical issue he had just found out about. After a couple of minutes, I just looked at my phone and hung up on him. I was called into a meeting the next day with his boss who basically needed clarification.
He wanted to know exactly who I thought I was hanging up on this dude. I calmly explained that no one gets to yell at me on my time, in my home, on my phone. You have to wait for me to be on the clock to pay me for that privilege, and I’ll gladly take that money. If I’m busy being yelled at, I’m not busy with any work.
46. Don’t Do Your Job!
When I was in high school, I worked at a popular warehouse club selling computers on weekends. The store manager hired me via a friend’s referral. I loved computers, and they thought I would make a good salesman. So, they gave me the job, which was to stay in the computer department and just sell computers. Nothing else.
One of the shift managers did not like that and started insisting that I needed to go fold clothes for a while, as in, half of my shift. I told him that the store manager had instructed me never to leave the technology department, but he insisted. This went on for several weeks. The store manager showed up one weekend.
The power-tripping shift manager and I were both working. The store manager who had hired me slapped a stack of green bar paper down and pointed to some highlighted numbers. He looked at the shift manager and said, "Do you see this? These are our average technology sales numbers. These are for the weeks you are on shift. And this one?”
“It’s for weeks that you are not. By now, it’d be more cost-effective for me to fire you. What do you think of that?" He stuttered, but wasn't fired. The store manager made clear that I was not to leave the technology department unless I was on break or there was a fire. That shift manager never said another word to me.
47. Rejected Left And Right
One of my jobs is in a hotel with a restaurant and bar. A guest walked into the bar after having been refused service at our sister hotel down the road. He was very intoxicated and had been rude and threatening to staff. He insisted we serve him as he was a guest, but our sister hotel had already called to let us know.
We refused but offered him some water and suggested he go up to his room. He then went on about how he had nearly bought our hotel and that he was practically our boss so we should serve him or he’d have us fired. We refused. He told us he was a very rich man and would tip us hundreds of dollars if we’d just serve him.
He was getting intolerable at this point and went on about how his brother was the mayor. We told him to go to his room yet again. He then said he was going to the other pub. But the street had a barred from one barred from them all policy. We had already informed them of the situation. Eventually, he went to his room.
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48. The Punching Challenge
When I was in the army, we had a gut-punch challenge. I chose not to participate since I have very heavy hands, but there was one guy who kept egging me on. I just kept saying no, until he started talking too much trash and I couldn't take it anymore. So, I let him go first. He reared back and I just absorbed the hit. Honestly wasn’t a bad punch.
But then it was my turn. I sized him up a couple of times with practice line-up swings. He mocked me while I did this. I gave him one more warning, and he laughed it off. So, I pulled back and blasted him. Square on the belly button. He doubled over and his face went pale white. Lips blue. Air out of his system. He spent a couple of minutes struggling to catch air.
49. Caught In The Crossfire
There was this game called Crossfire. It’s an FPS game that’s still around I think. Back in high school, this one kid wanted to play me one on one because he heard I was good at it. He talked a big game and had a pretty good rank from his public games, so he seemed like a formidable opponent. I accepted his challenge.
What he didn’t know was just how good I was at the game. He probably thought I just got good from playing it a lot, but in reality, I was on the #1 team in Canada at the time. I was playing against top teams all over the world at that time and would regularly play pick-up games with top players daily. Needless to say, he got absolutely wrecked.
50. Oh, You Don’t Speak English?
I live in Northern Vermont, so we have a ton of tourism from French-speaking Canadians coming down from various parts of Quebec. I am a bilingual American and I hold two degrees in French, the master’s being in Quebecois language and literature. While bartending one day, a customer from Quebec tried to pay her bill in Canadian money, which is about .73 cents to the American dollar.
The Canadian bills didn't even add up to the bill total if the two currencies were on par. So, I politely explained all of this in English, but she replied in French, saying that she doesn't speak English. That was my cue to hit her with the surprise of her life. To the delight of my entire bar crowd, I then politely but forcibly explain all of this in perfect Quebecois French. Her face at that moment is almost worth the pain I feel every month paying back my student loans.
51. Don’t Look Like A Gamer, Do I?
When I was a freshman in undergrad, our floor had one of those big icebreaker meet-ups. One of my fun facts was that I really loved video games, which at the time was an understatement. I was bordering on obsessed. I was a girl, pretty athletic, and decent looking, so most of the guys kind of thought that was funny...and they probably thought I was just saying it to be quirky.
I didn’t bring my consoles to school because I was worried that my grades would be in serious trouble if I did. One of the guys on my floor invited me over to his dorm to play Xbox with him. When I get there, he asked me if Halo 3 was cool. I thought we’d maybe just go through the campaign together, but I noticed he was setting it up for a one-on-one. Big mistake on his part.
He says something along the lines of: “If I win, will you go on a date with me?” I ended up kicking his butt several matches in a row, with him really trying to win. Finally, I just told him we could hang out and play co-op together.
52. The Kids Section
I was working at a bookstore after school. since I was too shy to talk to coworkers, and no one wanted to get stuck in the kids’ section where I was often placed, I would spend a lot of my downtime reading. It was great as kids’ books are quick and easy, and you can catch up on ten new books in an hour.
On slower days, I could finish some of the kids’ chapter books in one go. Some series I would read from start to finish in a week. I quickly learned a LOT about the books in the children's department. Over time, I made friends with a lot of the local teachers and would try to get recommendations from them.
It was really helpful with summer reading and holiday chaos. I knew just about every book in that department, and a solid amount of the teen section, which was still sort of a 'new' reading section. However, as I was still in high school and it was very apparent that I was just a teenager helping them, some people wouldn't want to ask me for help.
They must’ve thought I was too young. Perhaps they thought a particular series was for little kids, so they needed to ask a parent instead. Whatever the reason, apparently I looked too young to be able to offer the help they wanted. Of course, every situation always ended in the same way—my co-workers would bring them right back to me. I loved proving them wrong and there were a lot of times where someone would assume I wouldn't know what was up
They’d be super vague and frustrated, and then amazed when I would just hand what they asked for within the next 30 seconds, or describe the cover in detail, with some plot points and my favorite part of the story. Some would even come back and ask for my help with their lesson plans.
53. A Really Long Game
A friend of mine is really good at hockey. He played in the OHL here in Canada and was invited to a few NHL training camps, but he never made the cut. Anyway, he ultimately quit pursuing professional hockey after college since it didn’t seem like he’d ever make it. One time I invited him to a drop-in league game where anybody could play.
Maybe two minutes into the game, this one guy on the opposing team (who was kind of good but definitely never played at the level of my friend) scored a goal and immediately came over to our bench to taunt us. “How you boys like that? It’s gonna be a long game for you.” That lit a fire inside my friend. We ended up winning 21-3, my friend scoring 18 goals and never saying a single word back to the other team.
54. Pitch Perfect
I have a perfect pitch. It's not a thing I can turn off; notes simply are a pitch clear as day, much like how red is clearly distinct from green. Anyhow, it was music class in junior high. My teacher explained that Mozart had perfect pitch and he walked over to the piano, played a note, and said: "And just by hearing it, he'd be able to tell you what now that was... now can any of YOU do that?"
At the time, I honestly had no idea this was rare. I raised my hand, and the teacher, with a smug look, pointed at me and he was absolutely gobsmacked when I answered. I hit the note right on the money, octave and all. He figured it was pure luck, so he did it again and asked me to face the other way. I answered correctly again. He also tried it with chords, sequences, and two hands worth of notes.
Still right every time. That day, I learned that perfect pitch is actually kind of rare.
55. It’s All About Who You Know
I work for an anime convention. There is an incredible amount of drama that goes around; it is insane. A couple of years ago, I happen to be waiting for an elevator with two girls who are talking about my convention's future. It's Sunday; it could be a ten- or fifteen-minute wait. And one of them says, "Oh my god, I am soooo glad [convention] is moving back to the Hyatt next year!" We weren't. It wasn't big enough to hold us anymore. And it's always better to quash rumors before they have a chance to circulate too much.
I politely say, "Actually, it's going to be here again." I get these obnoxious, know-it-all looks from both of them. One of them goes, "No, it's not; I heard it from my friend on Security." Now it's a "I know someone!" game. But my boss is the owner of the convention - I know where it will be held. But I don't want to pull the "I know someone higher up than you" card; that's petty.
Instead I say, "Why don't you email in and settle this for us?" We've got the time, so she pulls out her phone, goes to our website, finds the contact page, and starts typing out an email. She hits send. A few seconds later, my phone beeps. I've got a new email! I open it, it's clearly from her. It says, "[Convention] is moving back to the Hyatt next year, right?"
I type back, "No," and hit send. Most satisfying 'No' by a long shot.
56. Nothing Like the New Year for a New You
There was this guy who was part of our group in college. He was a jerk, but he was my friend’s brother, so he hung out with us a lot. Whenever he would get drink, he would try to pick fights. We would just shake it off and ignore him. One of the guys hosted a pretty big NYE party. As it goes, this dude got drunk and tried to pick fights again.
People were getting uncomfortable. There was one guy at the party who was about 6'4” tall and built like a tank who was just not having it. He waited to be confronted and then immediately carried the guy outside and threw him down on a stair and broke his leg. He stopped picking fights after that.
57. To the Drum of the Beating
There was this guy who played drums all the time in Hawaii on the city strip. Nice guy; never chatted much except for a wave and to throw him a few dollars. Some drunk tourist decided it would be fun to mess with his drums. Guy gave him so many chances to walk away. Drunk tourist winds up for a punch, and the dude just knocked him out in one punch.
I just stood there, and my buddy had the presence of mind to tell the guy to pack his stuff and leave before the cops come. Guy was pretty messed up, and we helped him till the ambulance came. I’m pretty sure with the way that his jaw looked, it wouldn’t be a short recovery.
58. Be Courteous to Everyone
I used to work in an air traffic control tower. We would fairly often have new pilots visit and see the airport and what happens from the air traffic control side of things. I was on a break when a particular pilot was visiting, and I was the only female air traffic controller in that workplace. The visiting pilot finishes his cup of coffee, hands me his mug and says, “Wash that would you, love.”
By the time he’d returned to his aircraft, my break was over. He, unfortunately, found himself at the back of a rather long departure queue. I wanted him to have some time listening to the frequency and absorbing the fact that if a woman is in a professional environment, she’s probably not the freaking tea lady.
59. Alpha Running
I know a guy who tries to be a major alpha at any interaction with another male. One time, he challenged me to a distance race, saying they could run longer than I could. I knew he wasn't a runner at all, but he did not know I ran ultramarathons and had recently set the course record in a 50-mile race. Well, I said sure, and we set out the next morning at 6 am around a track with three of our mutual friends watching.
I just trailed behind him by like 20 feet at a casual pace. That way, he'd always be expending energy trying to put distance in between us. Surprisingly, he kept that up for like four miles, which is a lot for a non-runner. I eventually ran up to him and stuck with him for another mile talking about my running accomplishments.
Eventually, our friends wanted to leave, so I told him, "If you want, we can run in together." He agreed. But then, during the very last lap, he hit me with a curveball. He said, "Sorry but I'm gonna win" and tried to speed up to pass me. I was like, "Okay," and I dropped my pace. I still came in like 150 meters ahead of him.
He was full of excuses and challenged me to a sprint a few days later. I also completely wrecked him at that. Just give it up dude, you don't have to be "alpha" all the time.
60. Five Minute Mile
When I was a junior in high school, I was in a PE class of pretty much all freshmen. We were required to take two years of PE and I decided to do it my last two years instead of the first two like everyone else. There was one kid in the class—your typical freshman football player who thought he was gonna be the lead quarterback or something.
Anyway, in the first week or so, I didn't really say anything or talk to anyone because I didn't know any of the freshmen and I was a pretty quiet guy anyway. Soon after, our coach told us we were going to do the mile, and, of course, Mr. Quarterback started talking it up, thinking he was going to win. People like that really annoy me.
What he didn't know is that I had been keeping a secret the entire time—I've been running track and cross country for the last 2.5 years and had a mile PR at that time of about 5 minutes. To make it even better, I was kind of a bigger guy, 5'11", 180lbs; not fat, but you definitely wouldn't guess I could run a 5-minute mile or really anywhere close. Anyway, back to the mile—we lined up and of course, this kid went out like a bullet, so I just trailed a few paces behind him for the first lap and made my move in lap two, just barely overtaking him.
I could've just totally pulled away and won by a long shot, but I decided that I would just stay a few paces right in front of him the whole time to just drag him along. I won just a couple of seconds in front of him with a 6:15 time. He was totally exhausted right afterward while I had barely broken a sweat. He shut his mouth a bit more after that.
61. See What You’re Doing
A few years ago, I interviewed for a job that was labeled as a senior-level position, which is my level of experience. I went through two phone interviews and a stellar in-person interview. Shortly after the in-person interview, they called to say they absolutely loved me and that I would be a great fit at the company.
But they implied I was inexperienced and offered a junior-level position with a salary decrease. I kindly told them I had applied to their post was because it was senior-level and trying to trick someone by stringing them along with interviews and a job offer was deceptive and unethical. There was silence for a moment.
The interviewer said offensively, "We've all had to make sacrifices!” I said, "You may have had to, but I don't make sacrifices for anyone." After a pause, he stammered, “Well…maybe you can think about it, and I'll call you tomorrow to check in..." I said, "No thank you, and please don't call me," and hung up the phone.
62. Get Toasted
I used to work at a few different Subway locations. The owner inherited them when she already had a busy and lucrative career elsewhere. She mainly kept them to employ immigrant family members. One time, she was in the back and heard me interact with an angry customer. She came out, and what she said basically changed my life.
She told me, “You know you don’t have to put up with that.” Everyone who has ever worked in customer service dreams of hearing those words. She followed up by saying: “I trust you. You can use your judgment and just toss anybody out who talks to you like that.” After that, I would not take any nonsense from anybody. The slightest hint of backtalk to your Sandwich Artist, and you were out on your behind, still hungry.
It was so much fun. “I want to speak to your manager.” “No. Get out.” Customers would tell me: “I’m going to call and complain.” I would make a shocked expression and say, “OoOoOoOoOh, I’m terrified. Go nuts, but you can’t call from in here because you’re trespassing now.” The sheer indignance of an entitled customer when you don’t bow and scrape before them is really something to behold.
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63. Toad Me What To Do
I have a job, but I will still do interviews every few years, but they have to convince me to work there. I stopped at a bakery in my uniform to get something to eat. The woman went to grab it, and this squat toad of a woman came in and yelled at me to get her order. Then she yelled again for not getting up right away to serve her.
I said that I didn’t work there, and she went off about her importance. After, I went to the interview. The head of IT and the toad woman entered. She wore an evil grin. I pointed at her and said, "I’ve seen how your management treats people, and have no interest in working for you." The look on her face was priceless.
64. Hot Spot
I work at a hotel. It’s pretty high end, so we usually just appease guests no matter what. We have a very desirable parking lot. When people poach it, we boot them. I love enforcing this because I don't have to apologize since they aren't guests. Once, this girl parked and walked away. My general manager happened to be there.
He told her she couldn’t park there, and she cussed at him, flipped him off, and walked over to the neighbor hotel. So, he called me. With great joy, I grabbed the boot and slapped it on her car. She came back screaming and ranting. I said it’d cost $200. She called the authorities. They asked, "Is this a private lot?"
We confirmed, and they told her to pay us. She refused to pay us and left. I got a call for the manager. It was her mom. She said, "My daughter didn't know. It was actually for a job interview." I let her go on, and when she was done, I told her what her daughter had done to the general manager. There was no other way.
I said the boot was only coming off with her payment—but I didn’t stop there. Then I told her when she paid, she had better not come in swearing or shouting or else the price would go up to $300. She hung up. The daughter came back and silently handed me $200 with a look of intense rage on her face. I've never been so internally giddy before.
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65. The Preview Experience
I was in management at a theater for a while. If the concession counter was slammed and I was able, I’d leave my post and help them with popcorn. One night while helping out, a particularly belligerent man started cussing out a 16-year-old girl on a cash register for being too slow, even suggesting that she should quit.
He said it was since “She clearly couldn’t handle pushing buttons or scooping popcorn.” It was pretty disgusting, and I felt so bad for her. I stepped in and said that our employees have the right to refuse service to customers who harass them as a part of our policy. I empathized that the lines were longer than usual.
So, I suggested he apologize and leave. He was seething, left half his order on the counter, and started fuming. Anticipating his next move, I went back to my original post that night as manager of the customer service kiosk. Oh boy, the look on his face when he saw me. I assume he watched the movie without popcorn.
66. If You Say So
I was about 12 years old and often had been forced to stay with my mother’s friends when she would go out of town. The father was an insufferable jerk. He'd do stuff like make tomatoes every night for a week for dinner knowing I absolutely hated them. He threw me in a pool when I was small knowing that I couldn't swim.
He was a classic 70s "macho man" and tormented me every chance he'd get. My mom and I and her friends and their kids went out to dinner one time. We were leaving the restaurant. I don't remember what preceded it, but he said, "go ahead, tough guy. Hit me as hard as you can right in the gut," thinking I wouldn't do it.
He thought that I was scared of him—but this was my moment, and I knew it. He was a small man, about 5'6" tall. I was at least as tall as him already. And as he gave me his stupid smile, I pulled my fist back and belted him in the gut with every ounce of strength that I could muster. He immediately doubled over and was so angry.
He tried to turn it around on me, but his wife shut him up instantly. "You told him to do it. If you ‘weren't ready,’ it's your fault, not his." It was one of the most satisfying moments of my life. And one of the last times that I had to endure Mr. Tough Guy.
67. Those Are The Numbers
I worked in a cellphone store selling devices and service contracts in the UK. Some 19-year-old came in with a much shorter man, his dad. He wanted to cancel a current contract. I could already tell from how he explained it in exasperated terms that he knew he couldn't cancel, but his dad wasn't taking his word for it.
So, he dragged him in to try and “sort it out” for him. I explained to his father about the contract stipulations and how he needed to pay it off to cancel. He just went full Boomer Rage-mode on me—spitting, frothing, hurling vitriol—this guy clearly thought this was how you got things done. I just stared him down.
I waited for him to finish and repeated the contractual terms. He hit me back with, “I'll report you for violating the Sale of Goods act!” Sucks for him, because I had that memorized. I made a point of memorizing it, in fact, after the first few customers in my earlier days had tried to bring it up to get their own way.
I looked at him and replied, “Sure. Go ahead. You can even use our phone,” and pointed at the store phone next to him. I knew he didn't have a leg to stand on, and any trade commissioner listening to his claim would laugh him off the line. He clearly didn’t know what to do and stormed out with his son rolling his eyes.
Unsplash
68. On Top Of The Scrabble Board
I got really good at Scrabble after playing for years. Now, lots of people think they are good at Scrabble, but there are those who are ‘pretty good at a casual game’ and those who have the tw0- and three-letter words memorized, think about rack management, open vs. closed board, etc. Unless you regularly play against other competition-level players with timers and the Scrabble Dictionary, you are probably not the second kind of good.
So, I was meeting my significant other's mother and she thought of herself as a great Scrabble player. Not good, great. I tried my best not to play against her, saying I don't play casually, but she got a little aggressive with her insistence and I relented. We drew tiles and I drew high. The first word I played on the open board made her jaw drop.
It scored me 111 points. She and my significant other never got closer than the end of that first round. I was calm, polite, and good-spirited throughout as I demonstrated the difference between casual and competitive play (a few hundred points). There was no big blow-up, but I don't think either ever fully forgave me.
69. Do You Play?
I was hanging out with this girl I liked. We were just reading in a classroom that had a piano in it. At one point, I went over to the piano and she said, "Oh, do you play?" Now, I grew up with a piano, and I've learned like three songs from YouTube, but I only know them in a "what to hit in what order" kind of way. However, it is enough to impress most people.
So, I say "Of course," thinking that I would charm the heck out of her. With the most "get ready for your pants to hit the floor" attitude, I sat down and played that song from Amelie. After I was finished, she said "That's pretty good. Can I try?" When she started playing, I knew I'd screwed up. Apparently, she'd been playing piano her whole life.
She even studied classical music at university at some point. So yeah, she was not impressed.
70. Dressing Contest
I was a firefighter in college with a bunch of other college kids. We spent nearly every shift challenging each other to these types of competitions, debating how to shave off time, and I usually was the top finisher. After college, I went on to some small-town, part-time departments. As the new guy, I didn’t want to be a know-it-all, so I never really talked about my experience unless I was asked.
One day, the full-time professional firefighters dropped into one of our training sessions and challenged the new hires to a race to put on all our gear. The standard for this is 90 seconds from wearing street clothes to all clothing with mask, helmet, gloves, and the air tank. I did it around 40 seconds in my prime.
The laughter started to settle down as I tucked my pant legs into my socks and carefully arranged all my gear on the floor...but things got really quiet during my last sequence. I both-foot jumped into my boots while putting the flame hood on mid-air and one handing the mask while putting on the air pack. We didn’t time it, but I was dressed and “on-air” before some full-timers had their coats zippered up.
It then became a regular thing for the full-timers to come up with some new competition to challenge me on and there were rumors they would practice on their shifts. But years of practice meant I’d never been defeated...
71. A Real Distance Runner
I was a competitive distance runner for a while in my early 20s. Not a top professional or anything, but I’m talking 5k in the 14:15 to 14:30 range and 10k at around 30:00 even. Not fast enough to go to the Olympics, but fast enough for local sponsorship and pretty much a guaranteed win at any local road race, usually by a pretty big margin.
I was running a 5k or 10k nearly every weekend for the prize money, which for the record, was never a lot—only $100-$200 or so in value. But it was enough to pay for running gear, travel to races, and other things. Every week, I would search online for whatever race had the most prize money that weekend and I would drive up to race it.
I was going places where people didn’t recognize me. Every so often, the local town hotshot with a big ego who was used to winning their small church's 5ks would “challenge” me or talk hot stuff before the race. It never worked out for them. Normally, I would show up, not really talk to anyone, humbly run my race, and go home.
I wasn’t there to prove anything to anyone; I just wanted the $200 gift card or whatever they were offering. But when this happened, I had fun with it. I’d let them talk, which would always include them bragging about their personal record or recent race times. “Yeah, I won this race last year...I ran a 17:45 and won by a minute”...things like that.
I’d respond with, “Wow that’s impressive!” I mean, an 18:00 for 5k is a good time, but if you know 5k times, you'd know 14:30 for 5k is a different world. For reference, around this time, I ran the marathon in under two hours and 30 minutes. I averaged 17:45 per 5k in my marathon. So, it was not really going to be a “competition,” but I wanted them to think it would be. If they asked me about myself, I’d just brush it off and just say, “Oh, I’m just out here to have fun and support the local charity” or something like that.
When the race came, the real fun began. They'd take off like a bat, trying to prove a point. They’d try to put distance on me, but I’d just stay on their shoulder, letting them dictate their pace. This was almost always a pace they couldn’t actually sustain the whole race. Remember, at this point, they’d told me what they ran, so in my head, I knew what pace they should be able to sustain. I’d let them lead for the first mile, just running right behind them and never letting up.
Then, I’d slowly come parallel with them and take over. I’d constantly read their pace and run just fast enough to let them think they still had a chance, so they wouldn’t let up. They’d push themselves harder as a result, and you could see it on their face—the grit, the struggle to hold on, and their ego preventing them from slowing down to a realistic pace. They'd got lost in the moment and wouldn't realize what was happening.
That's when I'd slowly start creeping up my pace ever so slightly, but progressively until they started to hit their limit. At about two miles in, it'd be game over for them. They'd reach their lactate threshold, the point in which their muscles are producing more lactic acid than their body can remove and reconvert into energy. This is the physiological breaking point that forces a runner to slow down significantly.
When a runner hits this point, their body literally no longer has the strength to continue at that pace. That’s when I’d kick it into overdrive. I'd leave them in the dust, quite literally taking off nearly twice as fast as they'd slowed down to. By the time they’d reach the finish line, I’d been done for five minutes or more, despite them having been with me for two-thirds of the race. I stay and watch them stumble across the line, slowly, huffing and puffing, defeated.
72. I Didn’t Get The Email!
The property management company for my homeowner's association insisted that I had received emails that I never received. So, I asked them to prove that I had received them. I'm a software engineer and at the time I had just finished an enterprise email delivery system; like an in-house, constant contact. I knew the rules of the CAN-SPAM Act by heart. I KNEW exactly how their system worked.
So, this property manager said, "I know how email works. You wouldn't understand." At that very moment, I couldn't help it—I had to put the guy in his place. I started to explain very methodically how email delivery works and how they'd track various actions. I spent about five minutes detailing my credentials and why I was absolutely certain they had never sent me the emails they alleged I received. When I was finished, the HOA board just agreed to waive the fines.
73. The Fake Expert
I worked with a guy who was supposed to be an expert in what we do. He would blast through jobs and hound our supervisor for more work. He would get through tasks a lot faster than I could and I didn't understand how...until I had to support him one day and found out he was faking everything. He didn't really do good work—anything he submitted was never up to our standards. When I confronted him about it, he got annoyed at me and insisted I had no idea what I was doing.
He thought he had the upper hand...until my supervisor swooped in. When he checked his product, he was reprimanded for doing a poor job. Then, I had to work with him to get him up to speed. After six months, he was still failing, and I was working on his projects as much as I was working on my own. I checked on some of his work, gave him a list of problems I saw, and he completely lost it and didn’t listen to me.
So I left him on his own. I told my bosses that I'd no longer be carrying him. They were getting ready to fire him, but he beat them to it and quit. He found another job where he could be a project supervisor for more money and better benefits. He failed there, too. We sent his new company a basket of muffins and a thank you note. I ended up getting the company car, a $5 an hour raise, and a bunch of other benefits.
74. Impromptu Band Member
A buddy of mine was at a concert in bad seats and he started complaining about it via Twitter. All of a sudden, the band started reading some tweets and called my friend up to sit on stage for a couple of songs. They sat him at the piano and during the next song, they jokingly said, "Okay, piano solo!" The crowd laughed, but my buddy's next move shut them up real quick—he just started jamming out, as he plays the piano in his own band. Talk about dream moment getting to play with your favorite band.
75. This Lady's Common Sense Went AWOL
A woman at a snooty scholarship dinner was telling me how she was doing the “boot camp”-type workouts and how they are EXACTLY like what they do in the US army and just as difficult. I was fine with her thinking that, but I mentioned it’s easy to workout hard for one hour and then go home to a warm house.
She asked, “What do you even know about it, did you get second-hand info from your boyfriend?” I asked her to open her event program. When she flipped to the first page, her mouth dropped open. I was actually the key speaker on female veteran experiences, and my topic was “lack of visibility of the female veteran.”
Wikimedia Commons, Arlington National Cemetery
76. You Can't Hide Your Lying Eyes
I work at a daycare. If a child is sick they will be sent home cause we don’t want to risk infecting the whole class. A lot parents don’t agree with this policy, which leads to parents arguing with us that their kid isn’t sick when they obviously are. So one time this happened was when a mother dropped her little boy off in an eye patch.
Yep, the toddler was wearing a darn eye patch. I ask what happened and she says he hit his eye or something. Which I didn’t really believe. She says whatever I do, don’t take off his eye patch. So I knew what I had to do. I pick him up and immediately lift up his eye patch. When I saw his face, I almost dropped him in horror. The worst case of pink eye I've ever seen.
She was sooooo mad at me for doing that. And she was shocked I did it. That kid did NOT go to daycare that day.
77. Buzz Off
I was working as a flight instructor at a small airport on a Saturday afternoon. We had one plane that had an issue and veered off the runway. It totaled the airplane, but fortunately, the pilot had not been seriously injured. I had a student who was next in line for takeoff when it happened. He called me as it happened.
I hopped in the airport car with a ramper and drove over to the plane with a radio to inform inbound planes to use the other runway since we didn’t have a control tower. On the way to the runway, I called the airport manager who was already coming. On his way there, he made a phone call to officially closed the runway.
About 30 minutes later, a metric ton of Department of Public Safety people showed up and immediately tried to close the whole airport like it was a giant investigation scene. They were carelessly driving around like they owned the place, ignoring the planes that were moving, and crossing our only open runway without regard to inbound traffic.
A mechanic and I tried to tell them to be careful, and they got mad at us. One of them told me they were "locking it down" a couple of times with it being the entire airport. I was a broke flight instructor, and I had a flight that afternoon that was going to pay for my food that week. The airport manager was former Navy.
He was a short stereotypical country guy and not intimidated at all by the DPS. When he showed up, I was about to leave with a student who was pre-flighting for a cross-country. There were about five guys in the lobby, me holding my flight bag, the airport manager, and a mechanic. One of the guys spotted my flight bag.
He said, "I don't know why you have that or why he's out of the plane. You aren't going anywhere." The moment he finished his sentence, the airport manager said, "it's one runway that's closed. The airport is still open.” This upset them. I was heading to the door, and one guy said he was driving to the disabled plane.
Except the pilot had been gone for about an hour. The mechanic told him, "you need to be careful." The guy quickly and loudly retorted, "and why is that?” He said, "Because this is still an airport, and the first thing that hits you is going to be a propeller." A few seconds later, a plane took off as a car approached.
I walked out, and as I was hopping in the plane with my student, the same guy came up to me to yell, "You aren't going anywhere. We're locking this down!" I looked at the airport manager who’d followed us to the ramp, who said, "Have a nice flight!" You could see them all just fuming that they didn't have any authority.
Flickr
78. Stature Of Liberty
My dad is 6'3" tall, and I'm 6'10" tall. Sometime in my early teens, I grew up way past him. Dad was a yeller. Not doing what he thought I should be? No discussion, just yell. But I realized at some point that he would not yell at me if he had to look up while he was doing it. I was in my room in front of the computer one night.
When Dad came in and yelled at me, I eventually stood up and started yelling back. Dad made an excuse to leave. He was back about a half-hour later, but by then, it's all I could do to not just laugh. I knew that the instant I stood up; the argument will end. It actually wound up being really good for our relationship.
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79. Last Stop
I had gone on a couple of dates with a guy who’d introduced me to his parents. Things went well…or so I thought. He drove me home, and we talked and drank together. I didn't want him on the road with anything in his system. I enjoyed his company, so we ended up hanging out until 3 AM. His mom started blowing up his phone.
She was demanding that he came home. So, he drove home to find that he'd been locked out of his house. His mom said that he could sleep outside, he shouldn't be spending time with somebody like me, and that I was, "just another stop on the hussy train." He told her not to talk about me like that. She responded angrily: "When you're under my roof, I'll say whatever I want about whoever I want!"
So, he picked up his phone and asked if he could stay at my place for a little while. It's been seven years. We're engaged, have a dog, a cat, and a happy life. I also plan on throwing some subtle train themes into our wedding when it happens.
80. Dr. Stat
I was working a lab assistant shift, but I'm a tech. I was receiving specimens and such when a doctor phoned the lab. He was very upset that a test he needed was taking far too long in his opinion. I said I would look at the test and asked what it was. It was a fungal culture that would take at least two weeks to grow.
The patient was in the ER. I politely told him the test was a send out, which generally takes about two weeks or longer depending on the fungus. He got all huffy and asked why and if there was a way to rush it since he wanted to discharge the patient. I chuckled a little because this was a common problem with cultures.
We're literally waiting for stuff to grow. We can't just make them go faster. I told him we don't have magical wands to make it grow. He asked for a lab tech because I was just a lab assistant, and then I let him know I was in fact a lab tech with firsthand experience in microbiology with experience in fungal cultures.
I knew that fungal cultures are some of the slowest cultures right up there was AFBs and assured him that if anything comes of it, we would let ER know. He didn't really like that, but said fine and hung up.
81. Getting A Foot Up
I was responding to a call with our volunteer fire department a few years ago. I was west of town, and a vehicle rolled halfway between where I was and the fire hall. So, I called the responding people and said I’d meet them. It was a one-vehicle, and passengers were all immigrants from the Pakistan/Afghanistan region.
A doctor from the area had stopped to lend a hand before I had gotten there. She was from a similar region as those involved in the crash, and I had assumed she was the eighth person in the van. She started to try to order me around and tell me I only needed to know certain information about the patient she was with.
“She has midline neck pain and sore ribs.” I said, “Okay, and crepitus or deformity to the…,” the doctor loudly yelled, “That’s all you need to know!” I was confused. She told me, “I’m a doctor, and that’s all you need to know!” That’s when I figured I should ask what kind of doctor she was, in case she was a whackadoo.
She said she’s a podiatrist. I gave her my best look of trying to be nice, but their feet were fine. Doctors or nurses can show up and trump EMS but need to sign off as having taken patient control. When I told her to sign and ride with us to the hospital, she realized she was out of her knowledge area and disappeared.
82. It’s My Spray Or The Highway
Due to the bad economy and poor money management, my parents have moved into the home that my husband and I had bought a year ago. The other evening, I was out gardening, and I thought I had gotten the hose twisted as it kept getting stuck. This went on for a while when I realized that it wasn’t stuck but being pulled.
I looked into the dim area just past the illumination of the street light and spied my father crouched over and tugging the hose. Well, I did the only reasonable thing to do, and I sprayed him. He yelled and ran inside with me chasing. Once he got inside, he made a face and went, “You can’t get me now that I’m inside!”
He said it in that father-to-daughter-don’t-you-make-a-mess tone of voice. He had no idea what I had in store for him. I readied my hose, looked him in the eye, and said, “It’s my house,” and just let loose with the hose. He was soaked. It was worth cleaning up the mess for that moment of true fear in his eyes.
83. Time Tables Have Turned
I wasn’t good at returning library books when I was a kid. The school librarian would lecture me about it a lot. Twenty years later, I’m a supervisor at the local public library where my former school librarian goes. One time, I saw her sneaking around the front desk instead of coming to say hi to me. Something was up.
I went up to say hi to her, and she was acting exasperated and told me that she was really trying to avoid me because she had overdue books. So, I put on my reading glasses, pulled them down over my nose, and delivered the same lecture she’d given me countless times about being responsible and turning in books on time.
84. Need A Grown Up
In college, I worked for a small catering company that a guy who was in his 30s had started by himself. The entire team was college-aged or just a little over, so we looked like a college boy crew in general. One day, we’re working an outdoor black-tie wedding reception for over 300 people, and it was a scorcher outside.
Not only was it hot out and we were all in tuxes serving a lot of people, the family of the bride funding this affair were the rudest and most-demanding people imaginable. So, it wasn’t our most fun gig. One of the bride’s aunts was the rudest and playing the, “I’m related to the bride so give me give me give me,” act.
She wasn’t even in the wedding party! She was just making life for all who came in contact with her even more excruciating than what we’d already been experiencing including the owner of the company, who was the lead bartender. The nightmare aunt was in his line loudly complaining the entire time about how long it’s taking.
She was saying she shouldn’t even have to be waiting because she’s whatever-the-bride’s name’s aunt, blah-blah-blah, just making a huge stink. As she was placing her order, she was saying how slow and ineffectual he was. To which he responded, “We’re going as fast as we can. Here’s your drink. Have a nice evening.”
This led her into the following diatribe, “That’s because you’re nothing but a bunch of dumb kids. Don’t you have any adults back there working at this wedding? I want to talk to your manager or the owner or someone who’s an adult who can get you out of here and get the job done right.” This huge grin washed over his face.
He replied, “Hi! I’m Steve, the owner of this catering company. Please note that if you’d like for me to go, then this reception will have no food or beverages or bar service.” I swear you could almost hear a hype crew descending from the heavens shouting “OOOHH!!” after he said it. The rude aunt didn’t bother us again.
85. Dishonorably Discharged
My dad and I went to Lowes once, and the guy helping us wore a veteran hat and a few pins. He kept insinuating that we didn’t know anything and that we didn’t need what we were there for trying to argue about everything. So, my dad asked what service he was in trying to break the ice. He said he was in team 6, 1970-1974, in Vietnam.
That was the wrong answer. My dad asked if he meant seal team 1 or 2. The man recognizing my dad’s service ring immediately buffed up on my dad and became tomato-faced red and tried to assert dominance as a superior. So, my dad immediately called the guy on his lies for taking valor and explained why he was full of it.
86. Splash Of Barter
A few years ago, a guy stopped me in the hardware store and asked if I was a painter. I looked at my painter’s whites and said I do historical restoration work. He asked how much I charged per hour, and when I told him, he immediately told me I was too expensive and dropped my rate by 25%. I had already given him my number.
But he kept belittling me and saying I wasn't worth it. I just told him that I already had a full-time job, and this would be in my off-hours, so it needed to be worth my while. He finally let me leave the store then called me three or four times with every time hemming and hawing over if he wanted to actually hire me or not.
He's got a bunch of properties. It’d be a sweet gig, but not at my prices. I just kept saying that's fine, don't use me if you don't want to. Eventually, I recognized his number and stopped picking up. He really thought he had some sort of power over me, and I'd jump at the opportunity. Luckily, I did not need the work.
I was making good enough money as it was. He would have nitpicked absolutely everything and probably not paid me at the end anyway. But he was so certain he'd have power in the situation and that he didn't seem able to comprehend me not wanting to barter with him.
87. Technically Incorrect
A client paid for me to come to their office and address an IT problem. It was an 8-hour minimum job. The issue was resolved in about 45 minutes because they had set up something incorrectly, and it was pretty obvious once I got into the system. I was packing up to leave and the client stopped me. "What are you doing?"
"The system is fixed, so I'm leaving," I said. "No, I paid for 8 hours. You'll do the 8 hours. If I tell you to wash my car for 8 hours, that's what you'll be doing." I responded, "Right…so anyway, I'm leaving. You’ll get the invoice, and we'll no longer be working with you and withdrawing your lease on our equipment."
88. Impossible To Work With
I started working for a welding company as an engineering manager. We were selling an extremely complex weldment for $4.9K, and our costs were $9.3K. The owner got the bid "to get in with this big company." He actually said, "We'll make it up in volume." We weren't. On top of that, the buyer for the larger company was a terrible woman.
She was the type who’d regularly yell on phone calls. We sent a letter that said we’d honor the last five tanks on the current PO at the same price, even though I didn't even want to do that. After they’d go up to $10K per. She came with her boss the next day, demanded an explanation, and threatened to pull the business.
I replied that we were losing $5K per tank and couldn't do it anymore. She demanded evidence, which I’d already pulled up and simply turned on the projector. I said, “As you can see, we cannot continue at such a big loss, and no one can make it for the original price, so if you have to pull the business we understand."
Her boss tripped over himself cutting her off and said they weren't pulling out and actually thanked us for honoring the current PO. I didn't have many run-ins with her after that.
89. Sounds Wrong
My uncle is a deputy sheriff, and one time, he was at an airport speaking to my aunt over the phone in Spanish. Once he was done with his call, some nearby Karen who overheard him went up to him and started demanding to see his green card. Huge mistake. My uncle decided to mess with her and said he didn't know what a green card was.
He told her he had never even heard of it. She became more upset and kept demanding to see it. He messed with her more and then eventually went, "Well, I don't have a green card, but I have this," then brought out his wallet and showed her his badge. She immediately walked away while my uncle just kept laughing at her.
90. High Up There
I have a co-worker friend in a hospitality company that was giant. My co-worker had great experience and skills, and as a result, many executives wanted him for their department projects. When it was time for a raise, our manager, director, and executive director rejected him and low-balled him with an insultingly low counter offer.
So, he began looking for jobs outside of the company. The CFO and other senior VPs heard about said move, and reached out to him to get him to stay, and they worked it out amongst each other so they could share him in their special projects along with a hefty compensation package. Respectfully, he put in a transfer request.
The current manager, director, and executive director had to sign it, but they promptly refused. To make matters worse, they went ahead and wrote him up for "attendance" problems from months before. We're all salary and for the most part, project-based. Throughout it all, I was a fly on the wall as we shared an office.
Here I was laughing with him while he was in phone calls with the literal people who ran the company. He was told to ignore all that. They apologized to him and got the VP of Human Relations in on the meeting and explained the situation, which then launched an internal investigation unbeknownst to the three dumb jerks.
The ensuing storm that came down onto the three clowns is more than enough to make this story awesome, but the cherry on top? He is now their boss.
91. Causing McTrouble
I used to work for a super awful manager when I was working at McDonald's. This dude was horrible to us. He was constantly rude to us, bad-mouthing us to customers, and doing everything in his power to make us miserable. Well, so many people complained about him that he ended up getting fired. The new manager was great.
He was chill and understanding. A couple of weeks after he took over, the old manager came in and started going off about how terrible the store looked, how our service was worse than ever, and how much the store needed him. The new manager looked at him and said, "If you do not leave, then somebody is going to make you."
When he didn't move, the new awesome manager stuck to his word and called the authorities. The jerk is no longer allowed on any Mcdonald's property in the city and has a restraining order against him.
92. Elite Existence
I was waiting for a friend to finish work. She worked at a restaurant so fancy that they had someone vetting guests at a podium outside. The place was glitzy, and the folks were glam, so the great and good would descend in droves. Those with a reservation were sent in; prospective walk-ins had to queue. A car drove up.
The driver jumped out and held the door open to unleash a hat and dress. The woman accompanying said finery was a C-list actress from a regional daytime TV show, looked through everyone present, and moved to enter. She froze, appalled when the guest-vetter intercepted asking, "Did you have a reservation?" No response.
She mustn't have heard the question, but instead, drew herself up to the full height of her couture and demanded, "Do you know who I am?!" The maître d' replied: "Yes…back of the queue."
93. Money Doesn’t Buy Healthiness
I work in an NHS hospital where no one pays out of pocket for treatment. It is all paid for through taxation. A patient was added to our clinic who had paid one of our doctors for surgery privately at another hospital, but she was getting her follow-ups free on the NHS. Technically, this should not happen, but it does.
Patients like these can be a bit…difficult. This lady's appointment was at 8:55, before we even started at 9:00. She had her work up done when we actually clocked in and was all snooty about waiting the five whole minutes. Then one of the nurses from the ward called, and an actual NHS patient needed to be seen urgently.
That patient went up ahead of this "private" patient. This woman started shouting and bawling that she'd paid all this money and demanded service. Our charge nurse went out and demanded to know who had taken money off her really drilling the patient to point to the person who had dared take money off of an NHS patient.
The woman went beetroot and stuttered that she had paid the other hospital. The charge said, "Exactly, your money is no good here, and the doctor is being paid by the taxpayer to see this emergency patient first, so kindly sit down, and be quiet or leave my department until you can be civil."
94. Out Of Service
I was bartending one night, and these three guys were absolutely hammered, so I cut them off. One of the guys then tried to argue with me saying he had all this money and would tell me when he was done drinking and he wasn’t even done. At that point, I was done trying to be polite and just said that I was done arguing.
I told him that I would not be serving him and his buddies and he could leave. He looked at me and said, “Now excuse me, who are you to tell me how much I can and cannot drink?” I looked him straight in the eye and said, “the freaking bartender. Now, it’s time for you guys to leave.” The look on his face was priceless.
95. Call Your Bluff
My friend was the school president. He was in charge of things and had quite some power and responsibility. He had to organize a seminar this one time which was very important especially because he was hosting. As he was going around making sure everything was running smoothly, he noticed a few students messing around.
They were not rehearsing the speech. He questioned each of them about the speech and, as expected, none of them knew it well enough. So, he asked them to start rehearsing, but like typical reckless freshman, they ignored the order. Being fed up with them, my friend simply took their presentation and told them to leave.
That's when one of them snapped back, "You can't do that! You don't even know me. I know the president of the department!" showing off illusions of the amount of power a third-grader has on a Thursday morning after a bowl of cereal. Naturally, my friend asked this schmuck to use their wild card and to call the president.
They took out their phone and dialed. Guess what happened next; his phone started ringing.
I have no idea how my friend kept a straight face seeing the sheer horror in this kid's eyes, the shame on their face, the cringe, and regret for the rest of their life.
96. Getting Stubbed
A while back, I got a job as a popcorn monkey at the local cinema. There was a supervisor who worked there since the site had opened, about five years, and was a total pain with numerous complaints about her from countless staff. In the first week, I nearly quit because of her attitude. One night, I was working a closing.
I had basically cleaned the entirety of the front of house on my own. I stopped to get a drink of water, and she marched up to me yelling, "We don’t pay you to stand around drinking you, know!” I calmly responded that I was thirsty, and if she wanted to tell me I wasn't allowed to have a glass of water, then good luck.
I told her health and safety would have something to say about that. She huffed about not having had a break all day, which I ignored because not my problem, but internally I was put out about it because it was totally pointless to be such a twit about things. Around my first two weeks, I was promoted to be supervisor.
She also got promoted to Floor Manager, so she continued her little power trips and lorded over everyone. And four weeks after, I got another promotion to Floor Manager. We were equals, and she could not boss me around anymore. Instead, she tried a different tactic, which was to use her superior knowledge of processes. I knew exactly what to say to crush her.
My response was: "Oh thanks! That's so helpful. I mean you know how things work so much better than me, because you've been here five years, and I've only been here six weeks..." She had the saddest face. It was delightful.
97. Could Ask You The Same
I was the food production supervisor when a guy came to the production floor with no facemask on. I approached and gave him an extra one I always carried. He got all huffy and refused to put it on, and he asked, "Do you know who I am?" I just said, "The guy who will be escorted out by security if you don't follow Good Manufacturing Practice."
I then radioed for security. He was the new operations manager, who I had never met. He stormed away, and I followed. He went straight to the plant manager’s office and ranted about me being out of line. The plant manager informed him that I was only doing my job and that everybody had to follow GMP on the production floor.
He wasn't satisfied and wanted me to be written up, but the plant manager said no. The operations manager said he would write it and did. I submitted a request for review with the HR director and regional manager. That was when he learned that the regional manager was my father-in-law, who mandated what constituted GMP. Sorry not sorry!
98. Nothing Personal
I was a property manager, and the owner was an absolute jerk. He was heartless and rude, and I loathed him. I hated going to the job every day, but I needed the money. I was applying daily to my dream company in hopes that eventually I’d get it. In the meantime, my supervisor would tell me to shut up when I complained.
If I mentioned anything to my supervisor, he’d tell me to shut up and to just get on with it because, “he was paying me too much to have opinions.” Three years after, we were a small office, and the receptionist and assistant managers had quit. My dream company finally hired me, and I happily put in my two-week notice.
In desperation, he offered more money, a higher position, and better benefits, which were laughable. When I said no, he asked why. I have never felt happier than that moment when I replied to him. I said, “I don’t know. I’m not paid to have opinions here.” That was a year ago, and even now, the look on his dumb old face gives me joy.
99. Cheaters Never Prosper
I knew my ex-wife was cheating but didn’t tell her that I knew. Took her out for a dinner date and I casually asked questions about who she had been spending time with while I was at sea, she barely worked so she had to spend her time doing something. She failed to mention the guy that had been staying at my house for nearly two months.
The same guy she had to call the cops on just to get to leave because I was coming home in two days, by the way...Soooo I slid her a copy of the police report that was filed for the incident and watched as she crumbled over the fact she had been caught, and I didn’t have to say a word.
100. The Spanish Inquisition
Spanish teacher gave me zeroes on a bunch of homework that I knew I'd done and turned in like everyone else. My father refused to believe me and punished me in accordance with the rules about my "bad grade." I swore to him that I had turned in the work, so the next morning he went with me to the teacher's "office hours" or whatever you want to call it.
She showed up 30 minutes after the posted start time, so he was already mad because he was missing work. She unlocks the door and proceeds to tell my father that I'm a bad student, didn't do my work, and was disruptive in class. But I knew what I had to do. I shove past her into the room, go to her desk, and pull the four missing papers from her "turn it in tray."
My father watches all this, looks at my teacher (who has turned bright red), and tells me to go to class without breaking eye contact with her. She started failing all of my assignments from that point forward until my dad complained to the principal, superintendent, and school board. She retired the next year.
101. Peer Pressure
During an exit interview with my last job, HR asked me where I was going to next. HR: So, what’s the name of the company you are moving to next? Me: I'm not really comfortable disclosing that. HR: Are you sure? It would really help us out. Me: I'd rather not say. HR: It’s company policy. You need to tell us. This is where I snapped.
Me: I said NO, and if you continue further you'll be hearing from my lawyer. I told my old boss this after I left and he was absolutely shocked. HR has no right to know anything about the next place you are moving to. It’s literally none of their business but they tried to press it out of me anyway, more than likely to call them up and talk bad about me.
102. Back off My Buns
There was an elementary school next to my high school, and some of the kids who went there were really messed up. They were like eight or 10, standing outside and being rude little jerks to everyone who walked past them. We were actually shocked with their vocabulary. Anyway, one day I was walking by, alone, eating some buns.
This one kid comes up to me with a smug look on his face and yells, "GIVE ME A BUN, YOU IDIOT!" The look on my face was must have been something like shock or disbelief as I replied, "No! Screw Off!" to him before I turned my back on the kid and started walking away to get to my next class on time. Big. Mistake.
I suddenly feel a slight push and weight added to my back. The kid was hanging on my back, pulling my hair and screaming "GIVE ME A BUN!" I felt like I had been attacked by an angry leper gnome. In my panic, the only thought I had in my head was "OH MY GOD! GET THIS OFF OF ME!” In some weird move worthy of WWE, I spun around quickly while straightening my back and loosened my backpack, which caused this little jerk to fly off me.
He spun around in the air and landed face-first on the concrete. He immediately started crying like the kid he was. I proceeded to walk over to him. His teary, fear-filled eyes stared up at me as I picked up my backpack. I turned my back on him again, picked up a new bun, and enjoyed the fading sound of that brat's crying as I walked away, eating my sweet bun.
103. Don’t Stop Believing
My dad is out of state on business driving through some no-name town when he goes through an intersection. Suddenly, a cop pulls him over and tickets him—stating that he ran a stop sign. My dad insisted that there was not any stop sign, but the cop did not listen. Angry, he went back to the intersection and saw that there was indeed a stop sign hidden behind a tree.
More that that, it was twisted in the wrong direction! Even more angry, he went into a convenience store and bought a disposable camera. The clerk laughed because he saw what happened and knew what was up. Luckily, my dad had to be back there in a few weeks for work. The cop assumed that someone with out of state plates would just pay the ticket.
So he was shocked when my dad turned up in court, calmly presented his evidence to the judge, and strolled out in five minutes scot-free.
104. Sold out of Love
Wife was pilfering money from the marriage, to the tune of about $1,000 per month. It had gone on for a few years before I figured it out. (I thought she was saving the money, she was really stashing it in her dad's accounts.) Not satisfied to simply stash away her own salary, she began to buy stuff on the joint charge card, then sell it on eBay.
I paid the card. I started the divorce without telling her. During this time, I took my name off the joint card without telling her and began using my own credit card. When the bills came in for that month, I informed her that I would not pay the credit card bills anymore, that she had her own job and her own money and she could pay her own bills.
There was the expected ruckus about that, but I stuck to my guns. A week or so later, she had a screaming foot stomping tantrum about how it wasn't worth her time to work her eBay business. (Because she now had to actually buy her own inventory instead of just selling stuff I bought). Yeah, I cracked a smile.
The story ends thusly: I later traded the money—and my silence about the felonies she committed while transferring the money—for shared custody, zero payments to her, and zero claims on real estate, etc. She walked away with less than she'd have gotten if she was honest. I even got the house. Our divorce was final four months ago.
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