16. An Interesting Turn Of Events
This was too funny not to share with people. I haven't been this embarrassed in years. YEARS I tell you. Grab your drinks and popcorn guys, cause it's a heck of a show.
It's about four in the afternoon. My family is out, I'm home alone, it's a beautiful day and I'm tuckered out from being out previously. It was nigh time to take a relaxing shower and get lost in my lo-fi music and the steam. And maybe have a mini concert. What? I like Disney songs. Though I'm nowhere as magical sounding as Pocahontas. Not the point though.
I shower, do my routine, and go to grab a towel—except for the fact that my hand hits nothing but metal hanging knobs. Shoot. I look around the bathroom for even a smaller towel, but we've been so busy in the last week or so that we hadn't done much of the laundry. So I peeped my head out the bathroom and make a run for the utility pantry.
Nope. To my chagrin, there are no towels in there either. You see where this is going. I shimmy to the back door, literally dripping through the kitchen and living room, my dogs looking at me like I'm some damp water creature with their beady eyes. I look through the back door window and huzzah, towels! There were some after all, I just had to look better.
Thrilled and relieved, I peeked through the dirty glass to make sure none of my neighbors were outside. The last thing Mrs Charlotte or Miss Patsy needs to see is my full moon out at nearly five o'clock in the evening. After a couple moments of careful scouting, I decide to make a run for it. Yes, towels! Thank God! I just gotta do this really quickly, run and grab it and skedaddle back to the house quicker than a cat can get mad on a hot tin roof in the middle of Georgia—
A resounding sound clicks through the air. Horror settles in. My mouth gapes open as I hurriedly wrap the towel around me. I don't want to turn around. I don't even want to THINK of the possibility. Slowly, though, I turn and to my absolute would-be-luck...the door is closed. And what's worse? No key. No phone. Nothing but the literal towel on my back.
As I stand there and try to convince myself not to panic, I tell myself that I just need to stay calm. Maybe I can jimmy the door lock. It's an 80-year-old house, they have to give way at some point....right? Wrong. Absolutely, terrifyingly wrong. Thirty minutes pass by and I finally dropped the screwdriver.
I wasn't going to break the window to get back in—my momma would have had my name and number. I'm talking whooped my butt plumb off, polished it, hung it up on the wall for everyone to see, all of it. I was in a sticky situation but not enough to make my momma mad. That's a whole other can I’m not willing to open.
So what now? Plan B. Except, Plan B was that there was no Plan B. The only thing I had left to do was to borrow a neighbor’s phone. So now I had to make the awful decision of "Which contestant am I going to traumatize today?" Behind door number one was my conservative neighbor, Mrs Charlotte.
She's sweeter than the flowers she plants and cares for every day, but I haven't spoken enough with her to be comfortable enough to show up in a towel, much less ANY of my neighbors. I hid behind one of our cars in the driveway and do my best to spy on my neighbor’s yard. And wouldn't you have it; Charlotte’s husband Charles is outside tending to the yard.
Nope. That was out of the question. I'm not about to be known as the neighborhood triflin' husband stealer. Now all I had was door number two, which was Miss Patsy's. She's a spitfire southern woman who would surely have a good laugh at this over some lemonade.
I could go for lemonade. I've gotten pretty acquainted with her plenty of times, and she had no men living with her. So I made the final decision. All that was left to do was to hype myself up for the run. It's just a couple feet, you can do it. Just knock on her door in the carport, she should be awake. Make a run for it and run like there's no manyana. Okay. It was time to go.
Clutching the towel as tight as I could over my body, I jogged to my neighbor’s yard, pitter-pattered my bare feet up the absolutely scorching blacktop driveway (it was a hot one, let me tell you), and rang her doorbell. The look on her face was priceless. PRICELESS. I WISH I could have been a fly on the wall.
With a mug in one hand and her dog in the other, her beady blue eyes widened as big as dollars, she opened the door and said, "Girl what you doing out here in that! Where's your clothes?" I swallowed thickly. "Um. They're kinda. Inside the house”. "Well can't ya' get in?! What in god's name…” "I promise I'll repay you for it, weed your garden or anything, I just need to call my mother and tell her I’m locked out”.
Without another word my neighbor let me in, threw me in an old t-shirt and sweatpants, no doubt grabbed her famous lemonade, and we had our chuckle. 15 minutes later my mother came home, unlocked the door, and asked, "Where'd you get the new clo—" and mid-sentence realized what she had asked. I had never seen my family laugh so hard.
At that point I was just thankful no one else had seen me, so I couldn't help but to laugh right along with everyone.
17. Mom Of The Year
My husband and I have been working on a backyard project for a few weeks and finally finished yesterday. We had some cocktails to celebrate and I had a Zoom call at 7 pm for my daughter’s preschool. I continued to cocktail while on the call and didn’t eat dinner. I woke up this morning to a few text messages from other parents asking if everything was ok and if I was alright.
I was very confused as I couldn’t remember the end of the call. I called a girlfriend whose daughter is at the same school and who was also on the call. She informed me that I started puking in the middle of the Zoom call for two minutes straight before my line went off. Thankfully my video was off but the sound was not.
She said every time I would start retching, my box would light up and people would stop talking so it was very obvious it was me. I must have finally realized the meeting was still going and hung up after a couple of minutes, but at that point the damage was done. Ladies and gentlemen, mom of the year.
18. Sideline Sally
I'm the manager of the boys’ basketball team at school, so I video all their games. Well…I didn't realize something crucial. The recording had audio and I talk to myself A LOT. So during the recording that the team uses to study during practice, they now have a bunch of comments from me. And it's really weird stuff like, "I don't know anything about basketball, yet I'm the team manager" and "Oh shoot—the ball is over there now. Oops" and "WEEE" every time someone would try to shoot a basket from far away.
So coach came up to me after the game and told me "You do realize the video has sound right?" and I expired right then and there. Then he said, "But I think you're pretty funny so if you can't find a way to mute it that's perfectly fine". My soul has left my body. I can't decide whether I should be laughing or crying right now.
19. Not Who I Thought You Were
My girlfriend and I work together and whenever I walk past her, I either smack or grab a deep handful of her delicious booty. Well, I was walking by and did my usual…only to look up and see my girl on the other side of the restaurant. The person didn't even react until I realized and apologized about a hundred times.
Freepik, 8photo
20. Personal Space Is Important
This was super embarrassing and I almost quit out of shame. The restroom in my office has a row of urinals and a row of stalls. I was at a urinal and just started going when someone walked in the door. It was my boss with his young son (like four years old I think).
My boss had to take his kid to the bathroom and they're walking into a stall behind me. Well, the kid was holding a baseball and he threw it, hitting me in the head. It hurt more than it should have and I panicked and turned around, still peeing, and literally peed on my boss's leg and shoes.
I'm in shock. He's like what the heck? The kid is cracking up. My head is throbbing. I quickly turn back to the urinal to finish. Oh my god. My boss and I didn't make eye contact for a week.
Freepik, stockking
21. Too Close For Comfort
I was visiting my dad across the country after not seeing him for a while. He invited his friends over for some introducing, and we were all gathered around the kitchen with me being center stage. My dad requested I show everyone my moonwalk because I excel at it. I spun my butt around and proceeded to walk on the moon so well Michael Jackson gave a "Cha Mon!" from his grave.
But my dad being a dad, he decided to put his foot out and trip me midway. It all went so wrong. On my way down out of instinct I grabbed for anything close...the closest thing unfortunately was my dad's crotch. Yep, I grabbed my dad’s crotch in front of everyone.
22. Let Us Never Speak Of This Again
A couple of years ago I was sitting in my college dorm talking to my dad on the phone. At this point I hadn’t seen or talked to my family in weeks and was spending the majority of my time with my boyfriend, whom I call “babe”. As my dad and I were wrapping up the phone call, I said “Okay talk to you later. Love you babe”.
AHHHHHHHHHH. In that moment I just FROZE. My face got so hot and I was absolutely mortified. My dad and I have a good relationship but we’re not close enough for us to laugh it off. Right after I said it, I didn’t know whether to laugh, apologize, or say nothing. I ended up pretending like it never happened and stayed silent.
I could hear my dad pause on the phone for a bit and he went “....... love you too” and I hung up. My dad and I have never discussed it. Sometimes when I lay in bed I think about it and cringe so hard.
23. Worship And Praise For The Masses
During a Zoom class one day, the teacher was calling on students to talk. He calls on me and I unmute myself, but then my dad’s Christian music that he recorded starts playing EXTREMELY LOUDLY and I could not figure out how to turn it off. I muted myself and wrote in the chat that my mic wasn’t working. I can still hear my dad singing, “Christ the lord is risen today.....”
24. This Embarrassment Is Larger Than Life
I am a very awkward human being at the best of times, but this just takes the cake. I had just been on the phone to my boss, finished the call, and dropped my phone in my lap. All is well. I turn my car on and “Larger than Life” by the Backstreet Boys is playing on the radio. I belted out a few lines because it's just what you do in these circumstances.
That was when I heard the unforgivable click of a call ending on my phone. Unbeknownst to me, boss lady hadn't hung up for a good minute and had still been on the line during my impromptu performance. Gonna have to move states now.
25. There Is Such Thing As A Free Meal
I wanted to have some Italian food on a Friday night once but had no one to go with so I went by myself. I was just scrolling social media and I have a tendency to look around a lot, I don’t know why, I just do.
Anyways, when it was time to pay the bill, it all went upside down. The manager comes out and says it’s on the house because I got stood up. I was so mortified that they thought that and I told them repeatedly that I just came to enjoy dinner by myself. They insisted I kept looking up from my phone to the door, so I obviously got stood up and was now lying to save my dignity.
I told them it was just because I’m nosy and I wanted to pay, but they insisted...and gave me a dessert to go. I mean very embarrassing, but I would be a liar if I said it didn’t cross my mind to do it again for some free food.
26. Snack SNAFU
So this just happened. I grabbed a snack from the kitchen, walking beside my dog towards the stairs. I am a 29-year-old adult. As I got to the stairs, my snack slips out of hands, falling down the stairs. I instantly yell out “Noooo my peanut butter square! Thank god for Saran Wrap!”…Well turns out my dad was on a big Canada-wide company meeting.
They so heard and BURST out in laughter. Oops. As I walked downstairs, he’s laughing saying, “Yes that’s my daughter having a snack SNAFU”. There was another member laughing saying, “I can’t wait to see this all written into the meeting minutes, and brought up in the next meeting’s recaps”.
Well I guess snack SNAFU is officially going on a government document. I later found out it was not only written in the minutes, but it has and AUDIO and VIDEO record. To make it even more ridiculous, when I walked by, my hair was in a messy bun but what I was wearing is where this gets good.
I was wearing a red plaid onesie with a butt flap that’s held up by three big black buttons. On the flap, there are two bears that are like you’re looking at them from behind. Basically a good view of their bums and tails. With BIG BOLD letters reading… “BEAR CHEEKS!” I found out today someone screenshotted this from the meeting and added it to the notes. My dad officially labeled it.
27. Fake Out
Oh my God. This is probably the worst moment of my life. I was with a co-worker who I hadn’t seen in a long time. Now, I’ve always been nervous about greetings and handshakes, so I was already on edge and I couldn’t anticipate which greeting I was supposed to use. My co-worker moves towards me—and we were like an inch apart because it was a small space— and I panic, thinking he’s going for a hug, and just THROW MYSELF INTO THE HUG WHOLEHEARTEDLY.
Once I let go, he threw his trash into the garbage can right behind me….I could expire from the embarrassment. I had to hold myself back from quitting the rest of the shift. I am so mortified.
Flickr, DHORA S.R.L. IMPRESA SOCIALE
28. Crush Crushed
When I was still in high school, I went through a phase where I dyed my hair bright, firetruck red. I also was in an emo/goth phase, so I ended up looking like a bad punk edit of Ariel. Well, there was a guy at my lunch table who I had a HUGE crush on at the time. I was super shy, but my friend helped me muster the courage to talk to him.
I asked him “How does my hair look?” I was expecting like a “It’s pretty” or “It looks fine”. It got so much worse. This boy looks straight at me and says “you look like a used tampon”. The entire lunch table laughed. I wanted to cry. I never asked him how I looked again. It was a bad day.
29. Not So Free And Easy
Me and my friend are very weird. For example, we once tried Benadryl just to see how tired we got. Well, I had this similar genius idea where me and my friend could try laxatives. We couldn’t get our hands on any, so I started researching natural laxatives. One of them was rhubarb. This was perfect because my mom grew rhubarb stocks.
She would cut them and turn the rhubarb into cakes, muffins, and cupcakes. I waited until June and then requested to my teacher that our class should do an end-of-year potluck. She thought that was a good idea, so she started organizing it and messaging the parents about it. I asked my mom to bake three of her famous rhubarb cakes for the potluck.
She had to cut a lot of the stocks off since it was early summer, and they hadn’t really grown. On the day of the potluck, I kept two cakes in my backpack and then gave the other cake to my teacher. After school, I asked my mom if I could go to my friend’s house and she said yes. I decided to push it more and ask for a sleepover, and she said yes.
My plan was working perfectly. That night, I ate Chinese food with my friend and his family, and then we started setting up our beds in the basement. After that, I busted out the rhubarb cakes and we each ate one. We stayed up until midnight waiting for the rhubarb to kick in, but we fell asleep.
I woke up later that night to the sudden feeling of diarrhea pounding down the walls of my intestines. It felt like the FBI was busting down the door of my butt, and a tidal wave was going to come with it. It was pitch black, but I could see the light of the bathroom from across the basement.
I ran to it, but my friend had beaten me there. I really wish I had cheeks of steel back then because this rhubarb was doing a number on 12-year-old me. I was going to try to make it to the bathroom upstairs, but I was better off just squatting down right then and there. The diarrhea finally broke free.
My friend came out of the bathroom to the sight of me sobbing in the middle of the stinkiest liquid I had ever created. I don’t think he appreciated the fact that I re-created Shrek’s swamp in the middle of his basement, but he was supportive about it. We got it cleaned up without anyone knowing, but there’s still a strange rhubarb smell in that basement that reminds me of what happened that night. Never try laxatives, kids.
Flickr, Marco Verch Professional Photographer
30. Let It All Hang Out
So I'm a 20-year-old girl and I got a male tutor three years older than me for physics and maths. Yesterday I wore an old pair of pajamas that was just hanging by the door because my room is really messy and I can't ever find clothes. So while we were studying, my sister's cat started yelling at my cat, and their fights get pretty bad sometimes.
I asked for permission and ran upstairs to get my cat. I went and got my cat and while sitting back down, I felt my PJs were feeling a little weird. I tried to fix it, only to find out that…it was ripped. Yes. A pretty big rip. I wanted to be decomposed by a billion bacteria in that instant. I do not know if he saw it. I tried to read his face, but I am bad at reading faces.
I pretended the cats scratched me and I'm hurt to make him leave early. I ran to my mirror. Saw one whole butt cheek full-on bare. I am embarrassed beyond infinity. I could not sleep last night. I cannot stop thinking about it.
Freepik, 8photo
31. Whatever Floats Your Boat…But Not That
I was in a play with my good friend. The two of us played characters that were extremely close friends and co-workers. As the play progresses, the characters become more heated with each other. One scene in particular, my character reveals to his that he has been working against him the whole time.
They have an emotional blow-up that involves screaming and crying and a lot of emotion. During the scene, our faces get extremely close and we look each other in the eye, and then I walk away and he stays there in disbelief. Here’s where it got creepy and weird.
My other friend told me that she thought the two characters were more like lovers than friends, and she THEN proceeds to tell me that she actually wrote a fanfiction of the scene that ends with us sleeping together. I had no idea what to say. What do you say to a friend who tells you "Hey I wrote a dirty fanfiction about you?" I still can't look her in the eye.
32. A Thorough Resume
I applied to work at a Staples during high school and brought to the interview a "resume" of sorts, certificates of awards I had earned, etc. Plus…an MRI of my brain from when I had gone to Boston Children's Hospital for some research study. What exactly compelled me to do this? I have no clue. I can only begin to imagine the confusion of the store manager as he flipped through the papers. I got the job, though.
33. Thanks And Screw You
This happened a few weeks ago. I was going outside a mall and saw a man heading to the door. I thought, “How about I do a good thing?” and held the door and the man thanked me. I was about to say “You're welcome” or “Not a Problem,” but my brain just shut down and I instead told him: "You're a problem”.
34. Alone Time
I just finished my first day at a new job—it’s my first full-time job, actually. I aced the interview, did great, and finally, I had my first day. They had a nice little virtual meet-and-greet, so all the team could welcome me. They decided that everyone was going to ask me a question to help get to know me better.
Someone asked what my favorite vacation I had been on was? My idiot self says, “One time my parents left me at the Georgia Aquarium by accident when I was 12”. The second I close my mouth, I want to crawl in a hole. I have no idea what compelled me to say this. I tried to laugh it off but I could tell they were really confused and concerned.
Darn it, I can ace an interview but ask me a simple question about my personal life and I’m a total idiot. I don’t think I’m personally ever going to let myself live that down.
35. Always Wear Underwear, Folks
I’m a guy. Back in 11th grade, my best friend who I’d known for a long time was also my crush. She’s really nice, and is my current girlfriend. So, it was the day that the town carnival came. I was shirtless and was wearing nice jeans. I forgot to wear underwear, though, and the jeans were pretty loose on me. It wasn’t that bad, I just pulled them up from time to time. You can see where this is going…but it’s probably much worse than you think.
All of my school classmates were there, hanging out, and we decided to go on that ride that shoots you up in the air vertically. We went on that ride, and as I shot up, I noticed my pants were a little loose again. I couldn’t pull them up this time because of the seatbelt. Then, we kept going up and down faster—and my pants slipped down right to my ankles.
I was very high in the air at this point and tried keeping the jeans on my feet, so I could easily pull them up when the ride was over. Instead, they FELL ALL THE WAY DOWN. Probably 100 feet down. I was completely pantsed by this ride, with no underwear. Meanwhile, I was sitting next to my crush, and she hadn’t noticed anything…yet.
When the ride was over, everybody saw what happened, which was the most embarrassing moment of my life. I didn’t stick around. I ran across the town fair to the parking lot where I had my car. The worst part was that when I got to my car, I didn’t have a change of clothes, and I had given my best friend/crush a ride.
The fair was 20 minutes away, so I couldn’t call her or text her because she had my phone. I had thankfully left the car unlocked, so I could wait in it. After a few minutes, she came and sat in the car. It was pretty awkward, and she said she understood what happened.
She said I could cover myself with her sweater, so we drove back, nobody talking. We got to my house and I asked if she wanted to hang out, and she said yes, so I got some clothes on and we spent the rest of the night talking as I cried on her shoulder about how embarrassing it was.
36. Sneak Attack
When I was about nine years old, my year went on a school ski trip. One night while I was in my pajamas after coming back from the showers, I thought it would be a good idea to give my friend a fright while she was walking back to our dorm. Wet towel in hand, I waited for footsteps coming round the corner. My other friend who was on watch for me gave me a raised eyebrows look of caution and walked back to our dorm.
Me—the idiot who assumed this meant my friend was coming—screamed “RAWRR” and whacked the towel at the person walking around the corner. That person was the head teacher. I whacked the head teacher with a wet towel. She then yelled at me and the whole year probably heard. I didn’t talk to my friends for the rest of the night.
37. Whatever Works
I just picked up my contraceptive pill prescription from my doctor (I live in Australia) and was filling it at the pharmacy. There were a few people waiting but my name was called fairly quickly to pick it up. I paid and was given a pen to sign for the script. This is where I messed up. The pen I was given started to run out of ink and I was struggling to sign.
The pharmacist looks at me and says, "Oh, is it working for you?" Me, thinking she was talking about my CONTRACEPTIVE PILL, decided to pat myself on the stomach and go, "Well yeah I hope so". The other man there waiting for his script could NOT stop laughing and the color drained from my face.
Then I realize. The pharmacist then said, "I meant the pen..." I made a hasty retreat and cried when I got home.
38. Innocent Fun
Today my younger brother, who is 10, was giving me a feet and leg massage because he wanted to play Uno with me and I was not in the mood. He was being very sweet, so I made a video of him doing it to send to my mother. But what I did instead was send it to my school group.
Five minutes later, I received a call from my teacher informing me about that video and another teacher saying not to send these videos in the group. I quickly deleted it and typed an apology message. The worst part is that the video contained some sound of him trying to get me to play and me refusing. I was also wearing shorts and the video was made from an angle that makes it look like my legs were bare. UGH.
39. Less Money, More Problems
My co-worker gave me a lift to the supermarket today, as I needed to stockpile some food for the upcoming week. I loaded my cart up with the essentials. I’m legitimately negative in my bank account right now, and went to pay using my credit card in the self-checkout section. It declined. A really hot worker came over and asked if everything was okay.
Me (sweating buckets out of pure shame) had to tell her that my card declined. The look of disdain she gave me made me want to jump out of a window. My friend covered the cost of the food (around $60) and I promised to pay him back this coming week.
But darn, I can’t help but feel so weak. He has the same job I do, yet is doing SO MUCH better than me. He’s married to a beautiful woman, has a nice car, owns a LITERAL HOUSE at 23. Yet here I am, needing to be taken care of like a child. I feel ashamed of the fact that I’m not fiscally responsible enough to take care of my own problems and get my life together. Everyone else can. Why can’t I?
40. Here’s Looking At You, Kid
The subway train was pretty crowded, every seat was taken, and every pole was occupied too, so I was holding onto one of those overhead handles with one hand while doing stuff on my phone with the other hand. As we were stopping at a train station, I decided to let go of the handlebar and rest my arm a bit.
Unfortunately, I didn't notice there was a kid behind me and I hit him with my hand right into his face. Kid started crying, his mother got really upset, and everybody on the train was staring at me...I've never felt so embarrassed in my whole life!
41. Oh, Boys
I’m going to keep this short and simple because this whole night has been embarrassing. I’m a female, and I have an IUD for birth control. The IUD has stopped my period but all of a sudden I found myself bleeding down there. It’s late at night so I told my roommate what was going on and headed to the hospital.
Now, let me tell you, this is already an embarrassing situation for me. Then I (a hetero girl) was greeted at the desk by a very attractive male receptionist. My nurse is also a very attractive male and so was my doctor. They finish up with my ultrasound and say they have to give me a pelvic exam to see why I’m bleeding.
He finishes up with the exam and I go to sit up from the table that I’m on…when I fall off the table and the sheet that is currently covering my bare lower half falls off of me. The doctor makes sure I’m okay. I cover myself back up with the sheet and then he says I can change and go back to my room. Good news nothing is wrong…except the fact I am embarrassed as heck.
42. A Target On Her Back
I went to Target and they had a bunch of bras in my size, which is kind of a weird size. I'm super tall with a proportionately wide rib cage, but pretty lean so I have a small chest. So, they never have my size, but today they did. I decided to get some and of course I need panties to go with them.
I dress pretty conservatively and in earth tones in public, partially because of my job and partially because I don't want to be noticed most of the time. I like to blend in and be left alone. That said, I like to have fun with my underwear. I'll do lace and pink and floral and all that in undies. It's my little fun thing I wear. My little secret.
So, I was super excited. I found a week’s worth plus a couple of days (for laundry) of matching sets. I was so stoked to have cute prints and colors in matching sets. Yay for me. I get in the line to check out. It was morning, right after opening time and there weren't a ton of people there that day and I was next in line.
I figured I'd be out of there with my intimates in no time. But of course, it can't be that easy. Not when you have a cart full of cute panties and bras. Now that I'm closer to the check-out, I notice that the lady in front of me is with her kids. Some are in the cart, some are on the cart, some are trying to be on the thing under the cart where you put cases of La Croix (remember, this is Target).
They're getting toys, tons of em. How fun for them! Some of them are even using their allowance to pay. Cute, but obviously this is going to take a while. I think to myself "That's OK. I'm next. And I'm not in a hurry and nobody is even around to see what I'm getting. It'll be just me and the checker’s little secret”. Nope, wrong again. Then this unfriendly old man walks up behind me, holding a full-sized area rug and like a floor mat.
I guess he didn't get a cart because he didn't think he'd need one and that the line would be quick? But it wasn't moving quick. Super mom was still up there at the register with her kids, area rug guy was scooted up behind me, and I was in between, with my cart full of panties. I was not in a rush, but I also didn't want someone staring me and my items down.
Well, screw me because area rug guy already looked uncomfortable and annoyed. I guess he's realizing that he can't just zip his boat-shoes-wearing self out of there. I mean, true, this line was not ideal, but I can hang. However, Mr Area Rug is giving off strong vibes of "I’m used to things being expedited" and he's about to have to wait for me to buy like 10 bra and panty sets.
I figure I’m going to try to make this as smooth as possible when it’s my turn. I go into my cart (remember, this is Target) and start taking everything off the throw-away plastic hangers (remember, this is Target) so the checker won't have to do that. And while I'm doing that, area rug guy is just staring. I could feel the heat crawling up the sides of my neck. The heat of embarrassment.
Even when I was done removing the items from the hangers, we were still standing in the same place. The line was just not moving. Area rug guy is mumbling stuff under his breath and shifting the rug around. Four or five other people are now behind area rug. The manager calls on her walkie for "all available associates to check out" or whatever they say.
Phew. Help is on the way. I'm scanning the area for anyone in a red shirt, hoping this extra checker will be here soon and that I can just get the darn bra and panties and get out of area rug guy's field of vision. A young (18-20ish) Target worker guy walks over, opens up a register, and calls me over because I'm next. Phew! I'm next!
I'm almost out of here! I not thrilled that it was a young guy but I can handle it. I tell myself that I'll just put on my big girl panties (literally), put my stuff up there on the belt (remember, this is Target), pay, and go. Almost done. I can do this. Mild discomfort. But nothing I can't handle. I still had no idea what I was getting into.
I start putting the stuff on the belt and feeling the embarrassment I had anticipated but that I knew I could take. There are the hot pink ones, and the gray ones with the flowers, and the lacy mint green ones, and the white ones. I figure a little embarrassment that will end momentarily is worth it to get these cute sets at an awesome Target price.
When the checkout kid sees my items and the people in line behind me, he totally gets it and says "I'll get you out of here just as soon as this computer comes on". Cool. Cool. We're in this together. Thank goodness he's cool. This could have been pretty awkward, right? So, we're waiting. We're waiting some more. Mr Area Rug is inching closer like the line is moving. It isn't.
We're waiting for the computer to come on. We're just standing there with nothing to look at but the matching bra and panty sets I was so excited about 10 minutes ago. Normally people at Starbucks and Target and Whole Foods attempt to make small talk when there's down-time during the check-out experience, and I'm here for it. But we (me and checkout kid) both knew better than to try to do that right then.
What was he going to say? “Oh, these are cute!" Ha, no. So we just stood there and tried to act normal. Finally, checkout kid says "Um, we're just going to have to move over to this next register if that's not too much of a hassle". I think to myself "Yeah it actually is," but what can I do? I just say "OK" and start putting the stuff back into my cart.
When Mr Area Rug sees me putting the panty sets back in the cart, he says, “Oh you're coming back out" accusingly, like as if this is somehow my fault. I think "Yep, you're right, sir. You got me. I decided to buy a whole bunch of underwear on a day I knew you would be here and get stuck behind me because I wanted to make you wait and also embarrass myself. How did you know? "
But I don't say any of that. I just say "Yeah, he says this register doesn't work and we have to move". Mr Area Rug rolls his eyes at me and then I just put my face in my hands, look down at my feet, and say aloud, "Most embarrassing shopping trip ever". Nobody laughs. I don't know if it was funny.
After I put all the stuff back in the cart, I move over to the next lane with checkout kid. Mr Area Rug follows, not leaving any more distance than he had in the other lane. I start putting the stuff back up onto the belt, but this time I just plop everything up there because screw it, pretty much everyone knows what my underwear looks like now.
And then of course stuff is dropping to the floor. Why? Because it's panties and bras all in a pile and I'm flustered and darn near giving up and that's what happens. So I'm bending down picking this stuff up and Mr Area Rug is just staring. I'm sure when I bend over he can imagine how the panties will fit. Ugh.
The check-out guy is ringing me up as fast as he can. He gets it. All I can do is gaze into the distance like I'm not there. I'm sure the vibe was cringetastic. When he's finally done ringing me up and putting a bunch of bras and panties in a bag, he hands me the receipt and his hands were shaking.
Poor buddy. He did his best. I'm sure that was awkward for him. Poor me. And screw you, Mr area rug! I hope a million cats pee on your rug and you never get the smell out.
43. Silence Is Golden
I’ve been cringing all day after my experience in my Zoom class. So I’m an undergrad student and I am in a Zoom class with about 20 people. We were all put into breakout rooms and there were three of us in the breakout room. I was the only one with the camera on and I immediately felt super awkward.
I start talking about the discussion questions and made a joke…and NO ONE laughed. I felt so awkward but I kept talking. I was just hoping someone would say something once I finished. Well, one of them said “that’s cool” LIKE GIRLRRRLLLLLL. We ended up just sitting there in silence for 15 minutes until we were all put back into the Zoom class.
We then got to go around and talk about what we talked about in our breakout session. When it got to me…Y’all, I panicked. We ain’t talk about nothing. I didn’t read the text that we were supposed to talk about, so I start blabbing some garbage. I could just tell everyone was like “What is she talking about?” The professor just ignored everything I said.
44. The Land Of Lost Earbuds
So thankfully I was alone and this embarrassment was only mine and no one else saw this. But I will share it with you because it needs to be shared. I am an over-the-road trucker. It was a long day and I was very tired, so I stopped for the night. I had my earbuds in and was watching some YouTube videos in bed and must have fallen asleep.
I woke up at 1:00 in the morning and noticed that my earbuds were no longer in my ears. I went to the app and turned on "find my earbuds," but the app said that I was wearing my earbuds. I figured they must be under some blanket because they use a light sensor to determine if they're in your ear or not.
Suddenly one of the earbuds started making a chirping noise and I found it on the bed next to me. But the app said that the other earbud was still in my ear. I started tearing the bed apart, looking for my earbud. I could not find it, and the app kept telling me that it was still in my ear. I got frustrated and sat down on the bed and suddenly noticed the volume control on my phone going down without me touching it.
I figured oh I must be sitting on it, it must be under the mattress. Then a thought occurred to me…and I reached behind me and plucked my earbud right out of my butt. I'm still laughing about it and I can't wait for my wife to wake up so I can tell her the story.
45. Don’t Take Me To Church
I am a Black girl. I did a low sleek bun but realized when I left the house for church that my hair was all flaky. The gel turned white on my hair. I was so embarrassed. My church has two services, and I was there with my flaky hair. I’m pretty sure everyone thought I had horrible dandruff or something. I actually want to disappear because of this.
46. Putting On A Show
I have a small bladder, which means that when I have to go, I HAVE TO GO. I was just mowing the lawn, and sitting on the tractor I didn't notice how bad I had to pee before getting up. I tried to make it indoors, but halfway there I realized there's no way I'll be able to find my keys, open the door, and get past a happy dog in time.
Panicking, I decided to run behind our shed so that at least I'd be hidden from passers-by on the street that goes in front of our house. Spoiler: I didn't make it. But that was not even the worst part. I'm female, so I had to pull my pants down and squat. When I finally got the sweet, sweet relief, I got up and saw my phone lying on the ground. Splattered in pee.
It had fallen from my back pocket, but I didn't hear it landing on the soft grass. When I got up, I also realized I was 10 feet from our neighbor's bedroom window.
47. Return Of The Repressed
I’m not sure who this embarrassed more. This memory randomly came to me today and I wanted to bury my face in a pillow forever. When I was about 16, I was standing in my parents’ room waiting for my mom to get her clothes out of the basket so I could take mine to my room.
My dad walked in and picked up a thong and said to my mom, “Oooh, why don’t you ever wear these? They’re sexy”. She replied, “Because they’re your daughter’s”. He threw them down and left the room quickly. I wanted the ground to swallow me in that moment. I hope this memory leaves and never comes back again, thanks.
48. Rain On Me
I tried to wave at someone in the grocery store while I had a 12-pack of soda in my hand. The slot you carry the box by ripped, causing me to toss the 12-pack into the air. It came down and several of the cans exploded, causing an impressive display of raining soda. I felt like the whole store stopped to look at me.
Then I clapped and said, “Yaaaaaay!” like a little kid in a sprinkler. The person I tried to wave at pretended not to see me and kept walking.
Freepik, benzoix
49. Meet The Neighbors
This literally just happened to me an hour ago. I drive home from band practice. It was a good practice and I was in a really good mood. I get home and start changing clothes to go to bed when Hank, my dog, needs to go out to pee.
So I open the back door and let him out. Then I decide I’ll step out there with him for two minutes. Keep in mind I’m in my underwear at this point. But all the lights were off so no one can see me. As soon as I shut the door to wait with Hank…a chill ran down my spine. I realized the doorknob was locked.
Now, here I am, standing in my backyard in the dark at 11:30 at night, in nothing but my underwear and I’m locked out of my house. No keys no phone no watch no way to contact anybody. And Hank is stuck out there with me. I had a hop an eight-foot fence to get to the front yard. First of all, that hurt.
Then I went to my truck, hoping I left it unlocked so that I could get into the garage. Truck was locked. Figures. So I had to take an LSU flag and cover myself like a crazy person and walk across the street quite literally in my drawers and go knock on my neighbor’s door for help. I have never met this neighbor before.
His first interaction with me ever was tonight and it was of me standing on his porch in my underwear. Thankfully a locksmith came out rather quickly and was able to get me back in my house. It’s sucked that I had to pay money to unlock a door, but it could’ve been a lot worse. I’m such a dummy sometimes. My neighbor probably thinks I’m mental.
50. You’ve Gotta Be Kitten Me
I teach freshman English at a public university, and one semester I had the delight of having a young man we'll call George on my roster. I don't spend a lot of time talking about myself in class but even my least-aware students pick up on my love for my cats and Harry Potter. One day early in the semester, George waits after class to talk to me and proceeds to tell me that he just adopted a stray cat who had been chilling outside his house.
He says to me "I never really thought I'd like cats, but if Miss thinks they're alright, I'll give it a chance”. He then tells me how his grandmother, with whom he lives, has fallen in love with the cat and that she sits on her lap "doing that thing that they do …You know…What's it called?... When they vibrate?"
I inform George that the word he's looking for is "purr". It should be noted here that while George is a native speaker, I later learned that keeping cats as pets is extremely rare in his culture. As the semester progresses, I check in with George from time to time when I'm giving the students time to write in class and consult with me one-on-one.
I always ask how his little cat is and if she's still vibrating. So it’s the end of our last class before Spring Break rolls around, and the students are packing up and shuffling for the door. I see George in the queue and he gives me a little wave. Now what you have to understand is that I really like George. He's smart, he's funny, he's attentive, and he's every teacher's dream. I make a huge mistake.
I want him to feel seen, to feel acknowledged. No little wave back will do him justice. No, instead, I boldly and cheerfully shout "Bye, George! Have a good break! Have fun with your vibrator!" The open-mouthed stares still haunt me to this day.
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