15. An Old Grudge
I’m a lawyer in a small town. I mostly do estate planning, probate, old people stuff, etc. I have a client who sued his ex-wife for not selling the house after the divorce as she was supposed to. Judge held her in contempt, and asked what my client wanted to do about it. His revenge was brutal. He had his ex-wife thrown in the slammer. They are both nearly 80 years old.
The client also has something valuable buried on his property for his grandchildren after he passes. I have a sealed letter in my desk that he pays me a goodly sum each month to hold and give to his grandson when he’s gone.
16. Don’t Stop ‘Til You Drop
My parents and brother went out of town the weekend of my 18th birthday (hockey tournament). Naturally, I decide to throw a (small) party since it’s my birthday. I told my parents I would stay at a friend’s house, but actually invited over about 20 people, most of whom would be spending the night.
Things are going fine, everyone’s drinking, and I was enjoying my birthday. A friend there said she’s never drank, but decides tonight is the night it’s happening. So, a bunch of us are sitting at a table playing Cards Against Humanity, and this friend, UNPROVOKED, opens and chugs an entire mickey (375 ml bottle). We know already that things are not going to end well—but it was still worse than we ever imagined.
Pretty soon she’s so messed up and everyone else was a pretty good level. No one’s sober enough to be the responsible one so everyone’s just messing around. My friends just start getting too rowdy and making a bit of a mess of my house and the friend who chugged the bottle clogged the toilet and puked in the sink, etc.
Another friend’s boyfriend came over (he hadn’t been drinking) and a few people leave with him in his car to go get pizza to bring back and when they come back, they say, “Oh ya, by the way, a cop is parked at the top of your street” (which I don’t even know if that’s true but they weren’t even there because of us so it didn’t really matter)—I start getting panicky because my house is a disaster, everyone’s too messed up, I’m convinced the authorities are here, so I decide whatever, I’m going to bed, this is a problem for future me.
Meanwhile, the driveway full of cars and lots of noise made my neighbor think that my dad was having a viewing party for the big hockey game on that night, texts my dad, and asks if he’s watching the game. My dad says, “Uh, nope, no one’s home. Shouldn’t be any cars there". The neighbor sends a picture of the driveway and my dad instantly recognized all my friends’ cars and my parents decide to get my grandparents to come over in the morning.
So I wake up to my grandma walking in the door yelling my name, a bunch of my friends are sleeping in the living room, my grandparents won’t let any of my friends leave until they help clean the house, I’m upstairs with a couple friends having a panic attack, everything’s hitting the fan at this point because I know I’m done for.
THEN my grandma goes into the downstairs bathroom, sees the sink full of puke and the clogged toilet which has now leaked through the floor into the basement. I’m REALLY done for. There wasn’t any permanent damage, but I was terrified, of course. All my friends go home, I got in a bunch of trouble from my parents obviously, but at the time I honestly feared for my life.
Just seemed like one thing after another kept making the situation worse and worse, and it was pretty much karma because I was stupid enough to throw a party, and it wasn’t the best birthday ever, but now it’s a funny story between my friends and I!
17. Happy To Be Alive
My mom comes from a pretty large family. She is an identical twin, so they have been the family “favorites” for some time now; everyone being so mystified by twins and all. At some point, my mom and her twin gave birth to me and my cousin respectively by only six weeks apart. They have several other siblings, but for simplicity's sake, they are the second youngest of seven children.
The youngest of the seven is the aunt I want to discuss. We will call her Aunt Anne. Aunt Anne is a lot younger than my mom and she was probably 18 at the time of this story. When my cousin and I were both little, only a year or so out of diapers, my mom's twin became pregnant again. Whilst out on a doctor's trip for a routine checkup, my cousin and me were left in the care of Aunt Anne. The next events I remember WAY too clearly.
Aunt Anne had approached from the kitchen and had asked if we wanted cookies. We both said yes, so she left and came back moments later with her hands behind her back. She then grabbed my cousin and pulled him down on the ground, covering his head with a plastic grocery bag, and began to choke him. I was super afraid and I began smacking her with my hands.
She let my cousin go and grabbed me, doing the same to me. I remember kicking at her, unable to see anything other than that bag as she squeezed. I couldn’t breathe and I was extremely terrified, not fully understanding what was happening to me, until...I wet myself. And I’m thankful I did because it’s what caused her to let me go.
She got upset that I had gotten her pants wet and so she dragged us into the bathroom and locked us inside. Thankfully, shortly after this, my mother and her twin came home. Aunt Anne had said my cousin and I locked ourselves into the bathroom and been playing in the sink all day. No one ever knew the truth. My cousin and I never discussed what happened to anyone but each other.
We were never left alone with Aunt Anne again after that, thankfully. We moved to another state entirely. We don’t know why she did that to us, but it’s left a bad taste in my mouth even now as an adult. I’m just happy I’m alive today.
18. Tears Of Joy
I work at an insurance company. A woman came in after her mother's funeral with some correspondence from the company I work for. She was worried there was a bill she needed to pay and was coming to tell us that her mom had passed. She just looked SO tired, and we got to talking while I looked up the policy to close it out.
She shared that in the last few years her mom had slipped into dementia and she singlehandedly took care of her. She missed her terribly and was just run ragged. That's when I realized what was really in her hands. What she had was not a health policy; it was a life insurance policy naming the daughter as the beneficiary for about $50K.
I told her and she just started crying. It made me cry and I got up and hugged her and sort of just held her while she cried. She pulled away and said..." I have no idea what she left that for, everything's been paid for". I said, "This might be her telling you to go on that vacation and relax". It was so touching, and she had no idea that the policy existed.
19. Can This Day Get Even Worse? (It Can.)
I had the worst day ever even though nothing important happened. I was sick (had the flu, had spent the previous day unable to keep any food inside of me) and had a bunch of things to do. I had to go to the other side of town to pay for my college graduation (in Brazil, students organize the event) and I hate it because I couldn’t care less and my mom was making me do it.
After that, I had a job interview so I was all dressed up. It started raining on my way there. When I got to the place, there was construction work everywhere and a bunch of wet wooden pallets across the floor so you could get to the venue. I entered, I paid, and when I left, it was pouring rain. So, I slipped while crossing the pallets and fell on the muddy, muddy, muddy floor. My clothes were ruined and my knees hurt.
While still on the floor, I threw up. That’s ok, I thought, I have time. I'll go back home and change. But I got stuck on the worst traffic ever (rain) thinking to myself if I should call my interview and tell them I couldn’t make it. The traffic started moving faster, but there was a lot of water on the street and suddenly, the traffic stopped again, but my car didn’t and I hit the car in front of me.
I left the car in the middle of the rain to try to speak with the nice couple in front of me and exchange contacts. I already had mud and a bit of puke all over my clothes, what was a little rain going to do? When I finally went back to my car, my phone rang. It was the interviewer calling to tell me we would have to reschedule because of the rain (the city was flooding by then).
I thought my luck was starting to change when an officer stopped me over and gave me a ticket for talking on the phone while driving. That’s when I started crying. After an hour in traffic, I get home and the lights of my building are off. I go up to my apartment using the stairs too defeated to care. When I got there, I remembered my mother-in-law had made me an herbal bath (she was a crazy hippie lady) and even though I don’t believe in those things, I decide that’s the best day to have an herbal bath and cleanse my soul or whatever.
I prepare an amazing bath and get in. I have an amazing 30 seconds when suddenly, my whole body starts to itch. Desperately, I get out of the shower. My skin is getting all red. It is so unbearable that I put any clothes on and run to the hospital, in the rain, with traffic. I was allergic to some of the herbs and had a serious allergic reaction.
I’m sobbing by then. I go to the hospital, they give me substances, and I fall sleep. I wake up again around 11:50pm in the emergency room thanking God the day is ending. While I look to the side, the patient on the next bed is playing with himself while looking at me. The end.
20. Coming out Together
Parents split when I was little. Came out to my mom and stepdad when I was 13. Phoned my dad up when I was 16 because it was time I had to let him know. "Dad, I've got something to tell you". "Whatever it is, I love you". "I'm gay". "So am I". "Whatt"?
21. Did My Knife Hurt Your Back?
This was back in about the 7th grade and I had a very small friend group, about five people who I trusted, with whom I would involve myself. We had the teacher that was really just not a good teacher. She could not control her class and even one time made me empty my pockets out in front of everyone because somebody threw food around the class.
Anyway, fast-forward to the end of the year, my "friend" had made a Snapchat account using her name with the abbreviations of a gang around the area I live in. This account would post some stuff every once in a while, mostly just silly little jokes. So, in the summer there was a Facebook account made, not by the same person, but this person had added the same teacher under her name.
So, imagine an account having your name adding you on Facebook. So obviously she did something about it. Her child also had the Snapchat account added and at the time, there were two posts, one talking about a coworker of hers being super hot and the second was explicit pictures of some YouTube star.
So, in the morning, I’m fine and walking out of my 1st period when the text I get says, "Don't tell them it was me". I’m so confused because I don't know about any of this other than that this person owned the Snapchat account. At the time I didn't even know the Snapchat account had been found out nor that a Facebook account was created.
Due to this, a conversation sparked regarding the fact that they had been called by the administrator with an officer with a list of names, one being mine (this will be important later), and they had told him that he needs to spill the beans on who’s been doing this. He tells me that he saw my name but just said that he doesn't know anything about this and doesn't know why he got a friend request (the reason he got called to the admin office was because the Facebook account had added him).
So, we go about our day expecting me to get called in for questioning, I guess. I go about my day nervous because I have never even gotten a demerit for clothes violations and now, I’m being seen as a suspect for a case. To my surprise nothing happens, fine by me, problem solved right? Wrong. This is where it gets better.
So, I go into the car talking to my friend about how he’s lucky he didn't get caught when my mom tells me to put the phone away and that I won’t be on it for a while. Me being half unaware half aware of why, I act clueless as well even if it is the situation that I wasn't involved other than that I had befriended the cause of the issue.
My mom talks to me, saying that her and my father received a call from the sheriff’s department that day. For what? I don't know, maybe cause my name was on the list but I wasn't going to make myself look like I'm guilty when I don't know why so I tell her ok. She begins to explain how THEY TOLD MY PARENTS THAT THEY HAD SPOKEN TO ME AND THAT I HAD TOLD THEM I HAD MADE BOTH THE ACCOUNTS.
I get mad as I’m sitting there being accused of the stupidest things ever. Once she gets done explaining what I was being wrongly accused of, I told her none of this was true and she needs to stop acting like her own son is sad enough to do that. My parents and me called them back so that they could explain and apologize to me on how they wrongfully accused and informed my parents of everything.
Oh, and it gets better...
They tell me that the reason they accused me and told my parents is because my "friend" had thrown me under the bus. He had told them that I was the one that made both the accounts posted all the stuff and was doing all of this acting like my teacher. I, stupidly, went on a rant over Snapchat and blocked him off everything.
The sad part was that I was so close to this dude and his mom was really awesome. So, when people ask why I have trust issues or why I don't try to get girlfriends, I tell them it’s because I focus on school (which I do), but the real reason is because I am scared to open up and have a bond with people.
22. Great Pain to Great Pleasure
I was transferred to a new division, and within a few months, my new supervisor and I hated each other. She was incompetent and I spoke up when she screwed up. She made my life the worst and finally decided to give me a job that she thought would make me quit. I packed up my stuff in a box and asked for help moving to my new desk.
She said she didn't have anyone to spare. I was carrying my box and didn't see a spill on the floor, ironically, just outside her office. I slipped, fell, and broke my knee. I am on permanent disability, very legitimately, received a huge settlement, lifetime healthcare, retired early. She was demoted, then fired, partially due to the way she handled my case.
This all happened a few years ago. Recently when my husband and I were grocery shopping, I saw her in the store. I didn't want to see her, but my husband caught her eye. His response was hilarious. He gave her a big "thumbs up," and she looked absolutely furious. Honestly, I don't feel bad at all. Serves her right.
23. The Boulevard of Broken Dreams
I went to WrestleMania 21 (I think the one in Seattle) and left from British Columbia for about a 3-hour drive. Immediately, not even out of the country yet, we get a flat tire, but it's okay we got a spare (non-emergency spare). We call Mom to deliver it, change it, and away we go. We see the show and we are on our way home. Then a different tire blows outside of Seattle on the highway.
We pull over and my brother jacks the car up for no good reason as we don't have a tire to put on and then just spazzes out and goes off in one direction. He doesn't tell us where. Other two friends go the other way to find a phone and it starts raining. I don't go into the car because it's jacked up. So, I'm in the rain for at least a half-hour.
Everyone gets back to the car. Brother says Mom is coming with another tire but is hours away she will meet us a Denny's. That takes us an hour to get to. She gets there and for some reason brought our sister. We change the tire and follow them back when we are blinded by smoke. Mom's engine gave out. So, we leave it on the side of the road and, oh yeah, good time to point out my brother's car is a two-door sports car that already uncomfortable enough with 4 guys in it,
So, I sit in the passenger seat and my friends sit on each other's laps with one friend’s head is leaning over the passenger seat cause the roof is so low. We somehow don't get flak at border. We get everyone home just in time to see the sun come up. We never recovered the car we left in the States.
24. I’m Just Trying to Help You
EMT here. We got a call to transport a 97-year-old, Polish, Holocaust survivor...who didn’t like being touched...who was high on ketamine. Nurses tried to take out her IV, she pulled away, and said, “Take your hands off of me"!!! Nurses: “It’s time for you to go home, we can’t send you home with a needle in your arm". Patient: “This is my home. I want to stay here with you".
So, we got the IV out and got her moved to the ambulance. She keeps asking to go home. I tell her we are taking her home but she has the attention span of a goldfish so she’s asking me to open the back door while we are doing 60 down the highway. I tell her no I can’t do that so she starts taking the seatbelts off. I tell her to stop so she doesn’t get hurt and I’m putting the belts back on and she starts trying to bite me.
After some back and forth about the seat belts, I finally told her to knock it off and she starts smacking the cabinets with her hands. Then she forgets that I told her to stop and tries to take the belts off again and I grab her hand to stop her and she says, “I bite"! to which I said, “I’ll bite you back"! So, we get her home and as we start moving her inside, she tells me I’m a “Naughty Satan".
We get her inside and in her bed and she thanked me for helping her into bed.
25. Better Late Than Never
Since I was 13, I have had horrible foot pain whenever I walk more than an hour. When I worked at my church bookstore, I would often have to sit for the majority of the time I was there. My ankle would swell up, and if it was really bad, my knee would too. Every photo of me we have taken at Disney or Universal, I am in a wheelchair.
We never really got a conclusive diagnosis. I was diagnosed with juvenile arthritis, an unspecified autoimmune disorder, and even a ganglion cyst. After an MRI, the doctors finally revealed the disturbing answer. They found a partly fused bone in my ankle. A single surgery was all it would take to fix it, or at least lessen the pain. If only we had known that back then…
26. Plenty of Catfish in the Sea
When I was 21, I had never kissed a girl, never had anything resembling an adult dating relationship, and had zero confidence about any of it. I met a girl on a dating site and the connection was instant and beyond attraction (though I was, also, wildly attracted to her). We maintained a long-distance relationship for several months as I noticed and ignored red flag after red flag until, combined with frustration over her endless excuses for not having a cam or not finalizing plans to meet up, finally I knew I couldn't ignore what I knew anymore.
I confronted her. She confessed that she had been catfishing me (different name, someone else's pictures but that everything else was true.) She sent me real pictures of herself. I wasn't repulsed but I wasn't attracted. But I was lonely and sure I'd be that way forever, so I said we could work it out, but honesty was crucial. Turns out, I'd just made a huge mistake...
I found out she was still lying about traveling as a photographer. She had reasons. I let myself down and accepted them. But wait, it gets worse. On our second time together (I went to visit her), one of her friends joked about how cool it was that her boyfriend could get her booze for her birthday. At this point, I was under the impression she was 20 turning 21 (she was in college, so I knew she was over 18 and never questioned her age otherwise) but she was 19 turning 20.
She said she forgot she had told me otherwise. I knew she'd talked about her age, her false age, recently, but I stayed anyway, just this time...no more lies. But wait, it gets worse. Five months later I flew down and surprised her and proposed. Two and a half months later, I graduated and moved everything I have to her home state.
I burned through my savings as the economy was collapsing just as I moved and the rural south was hit exceptionally hard. After going broke, in debt, and still catching little lies, I knew I had to go home. A week after I got home, she came up to visit for the holidays. The relief I hadn't understood why I'd felt vanished the second her car pulled up.
Suddenly, I could hear clearly the voice in my head, "She's lying!... is she? She might be. You don't know, dummy," after anything she said. Finally, late one night, I told her this had no future. She left early in the morning and drove home. But wait, it gets worse. Her friends knew nothing of the catfishing she'd done or the lies she'd kept going.
They believed her when she said I'd been emotionally and physically abusive. I received threats by voicemail and text off and on for a few months. But wait, it gets worse. During that aftermath, I went back to online dating. Found a new electrified connection with someone who had a hundred excuses for not having a cam and also planned and canceled or bailed or went incommunicado on meetup plans.
And despite seeing every red flag and knowing that same voice was trying to warn me that had mocked me at the end of my previous relationship, I convinced myself she must have legitimate reasons. And while I didn't propose and we never met, I was catfished a second time and remained in a long-distance friendship/quasi-romantic relationship with catfish number two for over three years.
But wait, it gets worse.
When I caught Catfish 2 too clearly to hide from myself, I confronted her, when she didn't own up and didn't accept any responsibility and tried to frame it like it was only (and not just partly) my own fault, I said one of the worst things I have ever said to another human with every ounce of sincere and genuine malice.
"I have no comprehension of how much is wrong with you; what disorders or traumas have left you to see and interact with the world this way. But, I will say this, I hope you see the need to find help, I hope you find the courage to seek help, I hope you find the strength to work for that help and that you find an answer and a solution to all of your problems and find a way to be happy and whole in this life...and then I hope you mess every inch of it up and that every good thing rots or leaves and you are left without comfort or hope. Screw you".
It doesn't really get worse from there...but it's only gotten marginally better.
27. Heading to Norway
I was contacted in July to take a DNA test to see if I was the father of a two-year-old in Norway. I am in the US. 99.9996% match in August, best plot twist of my life.
28. Sorry, Very Wrong Number
My story gets better in the drama, but worse in its real-world implications. At this time, I'm about 25 years old and I volunteer at my church’s youth group. My best friend is the pastor and my brother who is in high school is the sound guy. Our youth group had about 100+ kids, 6th grade to 12th-grade, two nights a week.
We had a mentor program where male leaders mentored male students and girl leaders mentored girl students. This girl, Tiffany, started attending our church as a way to rebel against her parents. Our church was non-denominational and her parent’s church was very strict. For some reason, Tiffany who was 16 took a liking to me.
I don't know why, because I tried to avoid her in general—I thought she was annoying. Well, she wants me to be her mentor and I decline several times. She attended the same high school as my brother and started begging him for my number so, fed up, he finally gives it to her but changes the last two digits.
Months go by and she leaves me alone and even stops coming to our church. Cool, problem solved. Nope, this is where it gets worse. I show up to church one day and the authorities and the pastor want to have a chat. They show me text messages of "me" and Tiffany having very explicit conversations over text with inappropriate photos. The messages culminate with "me" convincing Tiffany to run away so we can be together.
See, Tiffany was planning on running away and her parents sensed she was acting weird so they went through her phone, saw the messages, and called 9-1-1. Tiffany told the authorities it was me texting her. Turns out, that number my brother gave her actually belonged to a man who traffics young girls to and from Ethiopia and he had been grooming her.
She didn’t know anything about me so this guy was able to pretend to be me until he finally told her the truth, but she "loved" him and forgave him. So, wanting to protect him she told them it was me who did this terrible stuff.
29. I Gotta Go: Level Apocalypse
About 2000, I've had issues with my urinary tract for a lot of my life. I wake up one morning and I can't pee. At all. I need to, but I can't. I try to catheter myself (I had one from a previous issue from a while back), but no dice. I decide I'm going to just pound water and push it out, figuring it’s a blockage. Fast forward to around midnight that night, I haven't peed in like about 24 hours, and have had around 2 gals of water. I got to go.
I call my girlfriend (now my wife) and she takes me to the ER. They take me back and try for about three hours to get a catheter in. But wait, it gets worse. I'm a 25-year-old man being worked on by 2 female doctors and a female nurse. I'm delirious with need and they finally decide to wake up the on-call specialist. He takes an hour to get there. He tries for about a half-hour.
But wait....at about 4:30 in the morning, they decide the only option is to cut a hole and poke a catheter in there. At this point, I'm ready to let them cut my head off if it would relieve the need. No anesthesia, just cut, poke, and KABOOM! A geyser of urine about 4 feet tall shoots up and soaks the general area.
I had to wear that catheter for 4 months until I had the surgery to correct it where they took a piece of skin from my cheek and fashioned a new chunk of urethra. Recovery was a nightmare. They cut me from stern to stem to access the stuff and my sack blew up like a watermelon for about 10 days. I also spent a year and a half sitting on a pillow.
30. Nip Trip
For 17 years, I thought I had two birthmarks on my torso. That is, until my girlfriend was curious about them and took a very close look at them. Turns out I have an extra set of nipples. Tiny but fully formed with areolas and all.
31. Not Every Sardine Was Meant to Swim, Son.
Oh, buckle up! This happened when I was around 15 years old. So, me and my brother liked to fish during summers until pretty late fall. So, we decided to go for one of the last fishing trips fall. The location we selected was one of the local rivers around 10 miles away. So, we packed our fishing gear on our bikes and rode to the location.
The spot we selected to start casting our lures was a place where we had caught pretty good haul previous times. It was a fork in the river with pretty steep rocks. We started to set our gear in order when I realized that I had forgot to pack my lures. Luckily, my brother had extra. So, we started fishing. After around 15 minutes, I slipped during one of my tosses.
And, of course, I fell into the river, during which I let go of my rod, which fell to the river. The water was so murky that there was no way to recover it. And when I climbed up from the river, I realized I had my phone in my pocket which was now busted even though it was an older Nokia. So, we decided to start heading home as we had no extra rods.
We packed our things and started to head back home when my brother noticed that my bike had a flat tire. So, I had to walk my bike home for 10 miles, soaked to the bone.
32. Tattoo Removal Near Me
Went traveling with my girlfriend of four years, we met an amazing person, all became best friends and traveled with each other for four months, got matching tattoos as a souvenir of our amazing time. Plot twist: girlfriend cheated on me with that person we had become best friends with every night in the last week...whilst I was in the same room, asleep. Found out through fixing her broken phone for her and the messages coming through.
33. I Now Flower Crown Yee, My New Friend
I was browsing my university’s subreddit and saw that there was going to be an artist alley on Saturday. I message the poster and asked if they were going to have a booth and they say they are and the booth number there’ll be at. They seem like a cool bean so I figured I’d hit up their table after buying some merch at the alley.
Saturday arrives, I go around browsing a few tables, and stop at this one table in the corner. He seems pretty cool and was wearing a rad flower crown and my friend looks at one of the stickers and goes “GardenLeaves! Look it’s an octopus"! (sticker is a hot dog octopus and octopus is her fave animal). The dude at the booth tells us about the story behind why he made the sticker (childhood memories like, bruh, my heart) and it was really sweet and I really wanted to be friends with him but not going to lie, I’m socially anxious and don’t know how to make friends outside of class.
I chickened out and stepped out of the room with my friend to get my psyche up lol and I notice some pamphlets on a table. My friend and I take one and it’s actually the layout of the room with artists booths by number. I offhandedly mention to her, “Oh yeah, I was talking to someone on Reddit and they told me they were at booth 22,” She looks for booth 22... "YO IT’S THE FLOWER CROWN DUDE. OKAY SO NOW I REALLY GOTTA BE FRIENDS WITH THIS GUY". Except how do you make friends???????
So, like, my friend pushes me to go over and talk to him again, and I’m like, “uh random question are you [reddit username]"? and like of course it’s him and I say (like really fast because my social anxiety has spiked up to god-tier levels but I really wanted to make a new friend and said, “You seem like a really cool person and I wanted to ask if we could be friends but I’m awkward and that’s probably a weird question but like I have no other idea how to actually become friends with people so like asdfghjkl [insert more garble along these lines]”
I don’t remember what happened next but he basically accepts and then says, “I now declare us friends” and bro let me tell how mentally exhausting that was BUT IM SO HAPPY TO HAVE A NEW FRIEND.
34. Played Yourself
1991, I'm 19, just signed the lease for my first (solo) apartment, and just got the first paycheck from my new job. I deposit the paycheck at an ATM, another first! I'd always gone into the bank to do it. Two weeks later, I get my bank statement in the mail, and see with horror I have only $1.87 in my account. Way wrong, I should have at least $200, I'd been very careful with my spending.
I'm freaked, I came within $2 of bouncing my first rent check. I'm literally reaching for the phone to call the bank when the phone rings. It's the authorities, asking if my ATM card was taken. I check my wallet and the card is missing; my job at a theater pub came with cash tips so I didn't use the card often. I then tell them I was going to call them anyway because I was missing $200 from my account.
"Well, we've got your card, and your $200, so come down to the station," they tell me. I can't figure out how they have my card AND the cash. Doesn't make sense. I drive down there. Detective says someone (let's call him Bob) pulled in to use an ATM and saw a man acting suspiciously while he was using it, moving back and forth as if trying to dodge the camera.
Bob says the man then left the ATM, got into a car, and drove away at high speeds as if fleeing. Bob then went to the ATM and put his card in, which popped out. Bob then withdrew $200, and then another ATM card popped out. My card. Bob's card had popped out because the crook had left my card in the ATM before speeding away.
Bob realized he had withdrawn the money from my account and not his, so he brought my card and the cash to the authorities and reported the attempted theft. The detective gives me the description of the crook. It made my blood run cold. According to Bob, it was a man, 5'7", brown hair, round gold-rimmed glasses. I say out loud "So, about my height, my color hair, and glasses like mine," before realizing Bob was describing me.
I'd never deposited a check in an ATM before, so I was moving back and forth, following the instructions on the screen, filling out the envelope with my account number, punching the amount in, etc. I then forgot to take my card out and just left because I'm a frigging idiot. I drove away at high speeds because I was 19 and that's how I drove everywhere.
Worried the detective might be annoyed, I didn't tell him I was the crook, I just thanked him and left with the money I took from myself. Somewhere in a box in my closet, I still have the report where I'm both the victim and the perp.
35. The BMX Gon’ Give It To Ya
One day, riding my BMX, I stopped at a shop for 30 seconds to change some money into notes. I walked outside and found my bike had been stolen. My friends rode around for an hour and eventually found the 8-year-old kid who took it and got the bike back for me. A day or so later, I was riding home on my BMX at midnight, stoned, doing top speed down a hill and see a group of teenagers quickly cross the road in front of me.
One punched me in the face as I rode past, I fell off, and they surrounded me. One of them started riding my bike around and they were going to kick the living daylights out of me. I didn't register what was going on, but they thought I'd stolen the bike from earlier in the day so I start rattling off the bike’s specs to prove it's mine.
When they heard my voice, one said, "Oh no, it's a chick" and they gave it back and yelled "SORRY"! from up the road. Riding home, I got my favorite pants caught in the crank. But wait, my week gets worse...One morning a few days after (I still had the fat lip), I rode onto a footpath to avoid some cars. There were schools on either side of the road and as I got right under a "beware of pedestrian" sign, a car comes flying out of a long driveway and collects me on their car.
My BMX was actually jammed in their grill and my front wheel was folded in half. I had rolled up the hood, landed on my head, destroying my helmet, and munched up my finger badly. My bike was messed up. The driver said, "Be careful" and drove off.
36. Special Delivery
A guy I knew in high school English class was talking one winter day about how he was late to school because someone hit his mailbox. His folks made him fix it up before he went to school, he missed his ride, and had to walk instead, but the school staff was cool about it and didn't punish him. He didn't have to wait long to get clarity.
A few minutes later, another girl comes into class and she's talking about how her morning sucked, she lost control going down a hill and hit someone's mailbox. She freaked out and drove off before anyone witnessed it and described a few details of the house. Mailbox guy puts two and two together and blurts out, "You hit MY mailbox"!
He wasn't super mad about it and she turned beet red; it was hilarious at the time the way they both reacted.
Piqsels
37. Wish I Just Stayed Home
When I was 20, my roommate dragged me to a party. We both lived in the city and had to take a bus back to our hometown to attend the party. We were there for a couple of hours when this girl my roommate had been trying to hook up with shows up. After 30 minutes or so, she decided the party was lame and wanted to go to a bar. My roommate decided to go with her and dragged me along for moral support.
We call a cab and get to the bar. Despite my best efforts to wingman him, he starts failing miserably. So, I just sort of leave him to his own devices. Just as I’m about to call a cab and go back to the party, my high school English teacher walks in with some of her friends. I begin to chat with her, when all of a sudden, one of the women who was in her group (who was twice my age) begins flirting with me. After a while, my teacher and the rest of her friends call it a night, but the one friend that had been flirting decides to stay with me at the bar.
Eventually, I go out and have a smoke with her and we start making out in the parking lot. We call a cab and I woozily made the mistake of telling the cabbie my father’s address (I only moved out on my own two months earlier. Force of habit + being messed up). We show up at the house and I tell her that this is not a suitable place for, you know, because I knew my father was hosting his sisters and mother that weekend and asked her if we could go back to her house instead. She told me her husband wouldn’t very much appreciate it.
Stunned that she was married (I never noticed a ring), I got out of the cab and tell her to have a nice night. Now I’m standing in front of my old home, wondering what to do next. I decide to head to a pizza joint around the corner, get a slice, and call a cab from there back to the party. I go in, get a slice, and call the cab. As I’m waiting, the staff at the pizza place are laughing at how messed up I am.
The cab eventually arrived and I proceed to tell him the wrong address of the party house. I get out and wander around town for a bit until I got really tired. I decided to take a power nap in some wooded area then find the party afterward. I wake up five hours later by the sound of the alarm on my phone. Turns out I was only about five or six houses away from the party house and if I kept walking for literally another two minutes, I would have at least had a couch to crash on. Kind of annoyed by that, I find a bus stop, go back to the city where I lived, freshened up, and had to go to work.
38. Do-Nut Forget to Check Your Tires!
I’m driving six hours to my cousin's wedding with my partner. We leave early and have a great trip. Our arrival time is about three hours before the wedding starts so we have time to check in to the hotel and change. I get a call from my dad—his car broke down (he's terrible about maintenance) and he's half an hour behind us; can we please come rescue him?
We double-back and because he refuses to give us any cross-streets (his description was "by the trees in the pullout by an overpass"), it takes us nearly an hour to find him. We get his car to a safe location, back on the road, get to the hotel, throw on nice clothes. Dad says it'll take 15 minutes to get to the venue so he takes an extra ten minutes getting ready.
It's actually 15 miles/30 minutes; we get to the wedding five minutes late. We have to sneak in in front of everyone and I have to stand in four-inch heels on grass for half an hour because there aren't chairs outside the front row. Okay, fine, we made it. That's the important part. But wait, it gets worse.
In the middle of the appetizers, the DJ pages, "The person driving [my distinctive car]". The rear tire is flat. Okay, cool, better than finding out late at night. We find a small nail in it, swap it out for the donut, and go back to the party. The plan was to get the tire patched in the morning before driving back to deal with Dad's car.
But wait, it gets WORSE!
I get up after four hours of sleep and head to Walmart to get the tire patched because they're the only place nearby open on a Sunday. I don't get hotel free breakfast because they won't let you remove food from the serving area. I go into Walmart Auto fifteen minutes after they open...hour and a half wait already. Okay, cool. We wander the store and play on the WIFI. We finally get called in to deal with the fix.
But wait...it gets worse.
The tire wasn't flat because of a nail. Tire had two major slashes probably from hitting a piece of glass. $100 later, I now own a new tire. It's now 9:30 am so no hotel breakfast. I'm exhausted and hangry and we go grab something resembling breakfast and the largest coffee money can buy. We go get Dad, get his car to the only shop open on a Sunday and they say it will take at least a day to fix. We get him a hotel and drive the rest of the four hours home so my partner can work the next day.
It was a lovely wedding though.
39. Careful What You Joke
My boyfriend used to have a terrible run-down Mustang and would joke with his friends that he "liked his women like he liked his cars: can't run". After dating for a year and half, we got in a car crash that left me paralyzed from the waist down.
40. Like a Good Neighbor, Guitar is There
In 1970, when my father was in graduate school, he lived on a one-acre lot that had been subdivided into four apartments. One night, one of his neighbors invites him in for a drink. One drink becomes several and at the end of the night, they give him their guitar. He tries to decline but they're insistent. So, my father thinks, "Okay, I'll take it tonight, and return it tomorrow when they're sober". That night they move out skipping rent and their lease. Oh, and it gets better!
The end of the month comes and my father gets his bank statement and returned checks and there's one he doesn't recognize for $47.50 (about $100 today). On the back, it's been endorsed (signed over) four times. So, my father goes to his bank, shows them the check, and says, "Look, this is clearly not my signature," and the bank refunds the money (and promises to investigate why it cleared at all being obviously suspicious).
My father, being a statistician, puts two and two together, and decides that his ex-neighbors must have been visiting his apartment at some point, seen his checkbook, and taken one. And they, therefore, gave him the guitar because they felt guilty. Well, no harm done, and my father has a guitar. Oh, And It. Gets. Better!!
The next month, my father got a letter from the power company about an unpaid bill, at (surprise, surprise) his neighbor's address in his name. So, my father takes the letter, and his ID, and his lease, and goes down to the power company to discuss it. It doesn't take long for them to see that, yes, this is obviously messed up and my father wasn't liable for the bill. So, maybe the ex-neighbors were feeling a little more guilty, but no harm done, and my father has a guitar.
Oh, AND IT GETS BETTER!!!
My father didn't really play the guitar and in fact, I only remember him playing it, maybe, 2-3 times when I was a very young child. So, it basically lived in a closet for almost 50 years. Recently, I decided to learn the guitar and my father gave me his and told me the story. So, not that I would ever sell Daddy's Guitar, but I was curious what it was worth.
Remember that it gets better? It was an early 1950s vintage guitar worth about $600 on eBay! But it's still Daddy's Guitar, and I will not sell it, but I will laugh at my father's ex-neighbors.
41. Big Dog Barks His Last
I worked for a bank at their call center as a workforce administrator. We had a supervisor with a higher than normal personnel rotation. People would be doing okay, then suddenly their numbers would drop, and they’d quit. In one of those, the guy quitting made a big freaking scene, called him out, insulted him, pushed him around and ended up being restrained by other coworkers.
At the HR meeting, supervisor is going off on this guy, bringing up every single thing the guy did wrong. He was boasting a bit too about how he had to fix all of this dude’s mistakes. The entire time the guy sat silent, said nothing, just stared at whomever asked him something. When the HR rep asked if he had anything to add, he pulled out a tape recording. It contents were stunning.
He just...played recording after recording. Of what you ask? Of the supervisor literally threatening the guy. Harassing him, belittling him, and overall being a complete jerk. Apparently, this guy would target over-performing agents and make their working environment terrible, all just so he could protect his position.
I’m told the supervisor simply stared at his feet and nodded when they told him he was fired. The agent, as I understand it, was also let go, but very well compensated.
42. I Think It Can, I Think It Can, I Think It Can, (It Can’t)
My car blew a tire while I (single female) was on a road trip alone. In the middle of the night. In the middle of NOWHERE, Nebraska. No cell service. No one to hear me scream. (I get it fixed thanks to a kindly group of female bikers passing through who let me use their cell phone). But wait. The next day my car (only 3 years old, just over 30k miles) won't accelerate past a certain mph.
I am on I-80 when it's down to a two-lane road because of construction. I'm going slower and slower down to 30 mph. I think, well, maybe I can make it to the next exit (just 2 miles away), but I can't accelerate at all. There are MILES of trucks behind me laying on their horn. My car just DIES in the middle of this two-lane road, nowhere to swerve and no road to pull off of, for me or for anyone behind me. My catalytic converter or muffler or something just gave out.
It took 2 hours for a tow truck to haul me out of the way.
43. No Takebacks
Traded a beloved Subaru for a new Lexus SUV because my girlfriend and I needed something big for the dogs and I couldn’t afford two cars. Fast forward to when I was able to afford two cars and wanted to order a brand new Subaru. One day, I saw my old one driving around. The exact same one. I talked to the driver and he sold it to me.
44. Missed That Call
I placed my cell phone on the back of a forklift while I answered another phone being handed to me. Some random walks into the warehouse from outside and takes my cell phone (caught on surveillance). I get a call from my boss 20 minutes later. "Someone turned in your phone to the gas station up the road and called me from your contacts". (I didn't have a screen lock).
I get to the gas station only to find out someone who overheard the initial call pretended to be me and the employees handed them my phone. My theory is thief #1 was not impressed with my s2 with a randomly working side button so he ditched it. Then a Good Samaritan found it and left it in care of gas station employees who immediately handed it over to a person overhearing the whole phone call exchange with my boss.
I called the authorities and they hung up on me saying it was unlikely that it happened
45. You Are Not the Son
I found my adoption papers in the family strong box when I was 19, despite having been told my whole life that my parents were my biological parents. Turns out, my parents planted it for me to find. Specifically, I found the certificate stating that my dad was my adoptive guardian. My mom was my real mom, which is why I had pictures of her with me at the hospital when I was born, which is also why I never suspected a thing.
They had me via sperm donor. I always wondered why I didn't look at ALL like my Dad, but I look like a carbon copy of my mom. Apparently, this was a huge relief to her as I grew up because the ENTIRE FAMILY knew except me and the fear of having a huge, loud, Irish family letting something like that slip was pretty serious. I'm honestly shocked they managed.
They were never going to tell me but they decided that for an accurate medical history, I should know that I don't have my dad's predisposition to heart disease. My dad cried when he told me because he was so worried that I suddenly wouldn't love him anymore...as if my entire childhood was a lie or something.
I laughed and told him of course he was my dad and always would be. It brought us closer. But it also explained a lot of things in my childhood, like why I didn't look anything like him, why I didn't need glasses but my parents were both blind as anything, etc.
46. If You Can’t Fix It, You Gotta Stand It
I get pulled over for expired registration. Since I'm a first-time offender, they give me a fix-it ticket. A mile down the road I get pulled over for expired registration again. Cop laughs, has me wait a bit, then sends me off. I fix my registration as soon as possible and bring in proof to the courthouse. Courthouse won't accept it because the ticket isn't in their computer yet.
Months go by and I forget about the ticket. Eventually, I get a fine; now I have a late fee. My mistake, that sucks, whatever. I take paid time off to go to the courthouse to get all of this taken care of. Go out to my car in the morning and find it's been broken into. Everything has been cleared out—including the original ticket, which I need to show it was a fix-it ticket. Without it, I now have to pay the fine for an expired registration. Somebody TOOK MY TICKET for whatever reason.
Other things stolen: novelty sunglasses, a euphonium, a bag of trail mix, a gallon of water, my CD collection from high school, various other stuff I've probably forgotten, all of which wasn't really worth much with the exception of the euphonium. I go to the courthouse, wait an hour, explain the situation to the lady. Lady says I can go to DMV and get a reprint of the ticket so I don't have to pay for the fixiit ticket, which saves me $300. Why not?
I drive to DMV and wait an hour. Lady at DMV tells me they have no record of this ticket and that the courthouse should have the record. I drive back to courthouse, wait an hour, and talk to the same lady. She says she can't because it's just a digital record. At this point, I'm angry, so I just pay the darn thing off. $600 down the drain: $300 for registration, $300 for late fee. Screw it.
I go home and find out the robbers took the glass breakers out of the side compartments of my car. Uh oh. Over the following week there's a rash of car break-ins with all of them using a glass breaker. Luckily, my car was not broken into a second time.
47. The Ultimate Betrayal
For a semester in high school, my English teacher set up this game where one student was a secret killer. Every couple of days, the killer would sneak a note into a classmate’s locker, backpack, textbook, or whatever that says, "You've been defeated". My best friend and I were trying harder than anyone else in the class to play detective on this, especially near the end of the semester.
Near the end of school, there were about 6 students left alive, and it turns out my best friend was the killer the whole time.
48. Peeing Red
Okay, so last November I had kidney failure. I did a Marine CFT (combat fitness test) that day, working on getting my black belt in MCMAP (Marine Corps Martial Arts Program). I probably didn't hydrate enough, but I found out at the last minute about the CFT and it's required to get a good score to enroll for my black belt.
I get out there and it's a particularly cold day. It was November 13th. I'm by far the oldest guy out there (37, the rest are young'uns, about 21). So, I run, lift, crawl, etc., my butt off because I want that black belt. I get my first class CFT score, but holy moly, I'm winded. I can't focus my eyes and it's like I'm looking out of glasses with two different lenses in them. I take a nice breather before heading home in my car.
I get home and I feel like absolute garbage. I have to take my daughter to gymnastics though. I go early to get some Chik-fil-A on the way and eat at the restaurant. We get to gymnastics and my stomach does not feel good. I brush it off. It’s probably just a little cramping from the workout or my body doesn't like that I just ate after the CFT. I am pretty old these days after all.
There are some people at the community center playing some ping-pong and they offer to let me in on some games while I wait for my daughter and I play for a bit. They are far better than I am even on a good day for me and after a few games, I feel wasted. I get home, and shortly after getting home, I start throwing up. I realize that I probably really need to hydrate, so I try to drink water. I throw that up. I just keep trying and it's not happening. Thought it was maybe bad food or something, whatever, I'll sleep it out.
I try to go to sleep and I'm sweating like crazy. I didn't bother checking my temperature. I just try to sleep it out. I don't get much sleep, get up the next morning still super sick, but now super parched. I try to drink and throw it up. My wife decides I need to go to the Emergency Room. She gets the kids to school and we go there. I sit for a few hours in the waiting room and they finally see me.
I explain my symptoms and the situation and they take a urine sample. After a while, they tell me that it's probably a stomach bug and that they'll give me SIQ (sick in quarters, no work for the day), some anti-nausea pills, and some ibuprofen. So, I go home, take these pills, still try to drink something. I’m still throwing everything up but I'm not sweating out anymore.
I feel terrible all day, try to nap it off, but I just keep on waking up all dazed and whatnot. My wife brings me back to the ER and they repeat what they said before and without any tests or anything, they send me home. I call work and they tell me to not worry and just come back when I feel better.
Next day (Wednesday), same thing, I’m still throwing up everything I try to eat/drink. My wife tells me to make an appointment with my primary care doctor. I make it for the next morning. She gets the kids to school and drives me to the doctor. I get in and explain my symptoms. She says, "They took a urine sample at the ER? What were the results"? I explain that they didn't tell me. So, she says she's going to go check.
When she comes back, she verifies that my wife drove me there. She says, "Okay, let's go see your wife really quick". We get to the waiting room where my wife is waiting and the doctor says that my wife needs to drive me to the ER immediately or she will call an ambulance. There was blood and protein in that urine sample.
So, my wife drives me to the same ER and we sit there for a while. They finally see me a few hours later but my wife has to leave not to pick up the kids from school. So, they bring me in, I tell them what's up, and they decide it's probably a good idea to get me on an IV and they do a blood test. The doctor comes back with results from the blood test with a very interesting look on his face. Instantly, I can tell something is wrong.
He says that I'm in severe kidney failure and my kidneys are operating at about 6%. They start doing tests immediately. They do two ultrasounds and find that I have "sludge" around my something-or-other (I forget what internal organ). Maybe that's it. They don't know. They go to do a CT scan, but they can't pump the special fluid in me that helps them see because it's bad for the kidneys, they say and that's probably not a good idea for me right now.
Nothing. They don't know what's up. They decide to put me in for surgery to get the organ with the sludge removed, but then they decide not to. They arrange for me to have a biopsy on my kidney and a catheter in my chest so I can start dialysis. They're hoping that putting me on the IV and pumping lots of medication in me will stop me from throwing everything up and it works.
I still can't eat or drink, but at least I'm getting hydrated. My heart rate is stupid low and so is my blood pressure. They keep coming in every hour on the hour to make sure I'm still okay, checking my heart rate and blood pressure. Okay, so, so far, so good, not the worst pain ever, I know. Easy simple stuff, I've been through far worse, I just feel gross. But this is where everything hits the fan.
So, I go in to get the operation to put in the dialysis thing and do the biopsy on November 20th in the early morning. They roll me in and put me on some mild medication (I do fall asleep for a few seconds, but they wake me up because they're afraid I'm too much of a lightweight for such strong medicine, which I am).
They roll me out and tell me that I can't get up and I have to keep pressure on the pack that they've put over the biopsy site on my back, lower right side. So, I'm lying there, and suddenly I get this insane urge to pee. I tell the nurse and she brings me this special thing to pee into. I start peeing and it's straight. Freaking. Blood. Like, it's very red and as soon as it gets inside it's coagulating like a pudding. This is bad.
I call the nurse. Every time I feel like I've finished peeing, I can feel my bladder filling back up...in time with my heart beating. Man, this isn't good. Nurse comes in and sees what's going on. She calls out to the doctor (who is taking all his operation stuff off) and says that I'm peeing blood. He responds that it's okay and that it's pretty normal.
She gives me a fresh bottle, takes the one I have (that is about half full, maybe a little more at this point), and shows it to him on the other side of the curtain, says, "Uh, Sir, I think this is definitely a problem". "Oh. Uh. Get him prepped to go back in, quick". I can hear the urgency in his voice. By this time if feels like I have to keep peeing, but I can't. It’s like my bladder feels constipated.
They pull me back in and he explains that he's probably accidentally hit a large blood vessel, but it's okay because he's going to fix it. They can't put me under but they're going to give me some local anesthesia and told me that this is probably going to hurt. They tie down my wrists and he does stuff down on my crotch with the needle going in.
Holy moly, this hurt. He says he's going to put some sort of special foam stuff on the blood to stop it. But now my urinary tract is clotting shut, so they have to put in a urinary catheter. Again, it’s just local anesthesia (they put some stuff on what might have been a q-tip thing and shove it in my pee hole). “!!!@#$@&^%*".
It was a very good idea to tie down my wrists for this. It went deep. They then shove the urinary catheter in. This is a whole new type of pain. Welp, my urinary tract is definitely clotted. They roll me out after the surgery but now they have to figure out how to remove the blood. They decide to take a large syringe, fill it with saline solution, connect it to the catheter tube, pump the saline into my bladder, and then "pump it".
Oh dear, I can't tell you how much this hurt. So, they're doing this for a few hours. Clots are starting to come out and then a big one got stuck at the base of my thing. You ever seen what happens to a tube when a vacuum is applied to it? That's what's happening to this catheter tube on the inside of my pee hole with a clot hitting it on the inside.
This goes on well into the night. I'm still awake for all of this. The shifts have changed and new nurses come in. So, at about 2100 (9pm), they do another ultrasound to see what's going on. There are definitely still clots and they're huge. Nurse has some bad news. They need to take out my catheter and put in a bigger one. So, they do it. There are no words.
They continue to pump. And pump. And pump. I don't remember what time they stop (I only know the time they put in the bigger catheter because my wife texted me about an hour later). They eventually stop and I fall asleep. I wake up sometime in the morning, maybe 3 or 4am, and I have an excruciating headache. It feels like a headband around my head. They give me some sort of super-cocktail that knocks me out cold.
So that was the worst pain of my life. Not just for the level of pain, but for how long it lasted. I will never forget it. I ended up having to live with that bigger catheter until I was discharged the day before Thanksgiving. I still had clots coming out but they didn't have to suck them out anymore. It would still hurt every time it hit.
49. Never Lose Hope
This one is good. Literally one of the luckiest and the best things that happened to me. When I finished secondary school at 15 years old, I had such poor grades that I was not selected for any high school I applied to. I had no plan for my life. Then my parents saw that a local vocational school/college was starting to try out combining college and high school,
I got in just by signing the paper. It took four years, but after that I went to University of Applied Sciences and here I am now: product development engineer and working for big company, planning power plants.
50. That Was Unexpected
We were on a field trip to San Francisco in 5th grade, and on an intersection, there was this guy who was messed up who decided to keep throwing bottles out the window, get out, pick them up, and throw them back into the car over and over again. Of course, this was against the law, so the driver called the authorities, but what happened next was where it got better:
So, after doing this about 5 times, the guy decided that it was a good idea to pee in a half-full (I think) bottle just to see what happened. He did and probably forgot about it because then he picked it up to drink the pee-mixture. Me and my buddies braced ourselves for what was about to happen next.
So, the traffic was really slow and about 30 seconds and half a pee bottle later, the guy gets apprehended for driving while messed up but he did one last thing that would really set this in my mind forever. Right before the authorities caught him, he really needed to go again, so where'd he do it? In the bottle! By now the bottle was about 70% pee, so the guy actually realized what he did. But the officers arrest him and about 5 seconds later, we see a cop get blasted with a spray of pee-mixture.
We laughed so much that we didn't get to see the rest of it, but man, I still wonder what was going on then.
51. Breaking Ribs & Making Bonds
I'll share my grandma's story, which is one of my favorites. As a young woman, she worked at a humble bakery in a small town in Australia. American officers were stationed in her town as they readied for deployment. One day, an officer from NYC came in when she was working and tried to order something that wasn't on the menu.
His accent was very thick and she could not understand him. She was very embarrassed, but kept trying to assist him. After a couple minutes like this, the officer got very impatient and started cussing and insulting my grandmother, the bakery, the town, etc. Well, my grandmother, a proud woman of small stature but surprising strength, came around the counter and punched that man hard in the chest.
I'm told she broke one of his ribs, even. She definitely knocked him over. Fellow officers lifted the stunned officer off the ground and back to the base where they told their CO the story. The CO panicked about ruining relations with the town and pointed to the nearest man. He asked where he was from (Illinois), and hearing no accent, sent him back to the bakery to apologize on behalf of the army.
The man did a wonderful job and made a good impression. And he went back to that town after the conflict. And he married my grandma, and they lived happily ever after. They eventually moved back to the States, but she refused to ever visit NYC.
52. Attention, Everyone. There’s Been an Incident.
I was working at a coffee shop in a bookstore. We had these radios with little earpieces so the employees could talk to each other (all cafe staff was cross-trained for the bookstore). All of a sudden over the little earbud, I hear a crackle of static, a pause...static again and then my manager’s voice saying, "...somebody pooped in bargains".
I lifted my head in time to see about 3 or 4 other employees pop their heads up over bookshelves and then another manager speaks. "I'm sorry... what"? "You heard what I said. Somebody pooped in bargains...OH MY GOD, THERE’S MORE". After a brief (hah) investigation, we find a trail of liquid and semi-solid poop on a meandering trail throughout the entire carpeted store finally ending at the bathroom (which we assume the person had been too embarrassed to ask for and that's why they wandered around all over).
Inside is a 30-40yo woman in one of the stalls, sans pants or underwear (those are in the trash) and she is waiting for her friend to come back to the store with new clothes for her. We were in a mall lucky for her. It turned out she had one of those colonoscopy bags and it had ruptured. We had to close the store (since we serve food) and have a carpet cleaning company come in.
53. Before It Hits the Fan
Moving halfway across the country, only for my dad to tell me later we had to because my mom was getting into our church's cult.
54. Stormtrooper Are You?
So, it was on May 4th (May the fourth be with you) and one freshman at my high school dresses up as a stormtrooper. I see him and think, “Oh that’s cool,” and go on with my day. I had an exam first period so I go to class early to study. About 10 minutes before class starts, I get a text from my sister who also went to my school asking me if I was okay.
I laughed because I thought she meant for my exam, but no. She said a bunch of officers in armor and shields burst into the cafeteria yelling at everyone to get out due to an intruder. Right as I showed my friend in my class the teacher across the hall told us to get out but left before telling us why. My teacher came back from printing the exams and I showed her my sister’s text and she was confused, but then our principal came in and yelled at us to get out.
So, we evacuate and find out we were the last class in the entire school to evacuate. We then get ordered by the authorities to start heading toward our safe haven meeting place (a church up the road) and this gets everyone really worried. Everyone was texting their friends if they were safe and out of the school. I found out that my friend was locked in a closet and at this point there were rumors of shots being fired and a potential explosive device (all false, but words spread fast) so I am paralyzed with fear for my friend but I told my principal and they knew they were there, so that was okay at least.
It turns out this whole thing happened because a parent who was dropping their kid off didn’t know what a stormtrooper was and thought someone entered the school with armor and a duffle bag holding weapons (his lunch box). Oh, and it gets better...the kid was clueless that he caused all of this and evacuated with us and walked to the church just as scared as everyone else.
He was just a poor little freshman. We are now known as the school that evacuated because of a stormtrooper. People magazine covered it, TMZ covered it, all because of a clueless parent. Oh, and it gets better...my principal said it was a Darth Vader costume when talking to the press, so everyone reported it wrong because my principal also didn’t know his Star Wars references.
55. Number Two, Meet Number One
I met a girl on Plenty of Fish and dated her for a year. She lived six minutes up the street from me, so we saw each other quite often. Both of us were quite introverted, so we mainly only hung out with each other. We both considered the relationship to be serious and exclusive. Anyway, right from the start of the relationship, I noticed that she would text this one guy pretty frequently.
I asked her about him, and she told me that he was her tattoo artist. Just to be snoopy, I checked out the website of the place she gets her tattoos done. Sure enough, there was a tattoo artist there with the same first name as the guy in her phone, but the last name was different. I asked her about it, and she quickly called me out on being paranoid, and how it was ridiculous to think that she would lie to me.
I agreed, it was pretty paranoid of me. Maybe five months later into the relationship, I'm on Facebook and I decide to search the name of the guy in her phone. A profile comes up in the same small city we both live in, but there is no profile picture or anything. I decide to bring it up with her again, because now there are two Facebook profiles: one who is actually a tattoo artist, and one who has the same name that is in her phone.
She freaks out on me for bringing it up again, and tells me that I'm crazy. I agreed, but just wanted a straight answer. She told me that I had nothing to be worried about. I apologized, and we got over it. About a year into the relationship, I found her on Plenty of Fish. I would periodically go on there to see if she recreated her profile, as we both deleted our profiles.
I found a profile that I thought might be hers, but obviously no pictures. I catfished it, and it turned out to be her. She was back on Plenty of Fish and looking for guys. I had all the evidence I needed, and I was going to confront her with it the next day and break up with her...however, I knew I needed to do just one more thing.
I thought that if I was going to break up with her, I was going to message this Facebook profile I had found that matched the name in her phone, just out of curiosity...PLOT TWIST. I message the guy. He gets back to me immediately. We converse, and it turns out that he is her boyfriend. I had been her second boyfriend the entire time.
She met him two months before she met me. She bounced back between me and him for an entire year, neither me nor him knew about each other. He saw my name in her phone once, and she said that I was her tattoo artist. Every time I ever called her out, I was right. Every time she was gone mysteriously at night, she was with him.
Every time she said she was hanging out with a friend of hers, she was with him. She doesn't actually have any friends. It was always him. Anyway, we both broke up with her the next morning and met the next day to have a beer. Haven't spoken with him since.
56. This Was Not in My Job Description
I’m a hostess at a really fancy restaurant. There’s this one old couple who are kind of regulars. They’re super stinking rich. We’ll call them Mr. and Mrs. Green. Mrs. Green has, I assume, some kind of ALS because her hand is all shriveled and she can’t use it. Mr. Green is aware of his wife’s situation and does absolutely nothing to assist her. He makes her open doors, doesn’t pull out her chair for her, doesn’t cut her food, etc. It’s almost as if she’s one-handed because tasks are difficult for her.
One night they come in to eat. Usually, Mr. Green is very rude and demands a table that’s already been reserved and makes a huge hassle, but tonight, he was well-behaved. I seat them at their table, pull out the chair for Mrs. Green, and a huge smile appears on her face. She gives me the biggest THANK YOU ever. It’s as if that’s the nicest thing that’s ever been done for her. Her husband apparently doesn’t do it.
Work is busy as usual, there’s me and another hostess (let’s call her Lucy). Lucy is seating a party and I’m up at the front answering phone calls. All of sudden, Mrs. Green comes up WADDLING to me. She grabs my arm as if her life was in danger. She says to me, “HELP ME"!
“Is everything alright ma’am"? “I JUST POOPED MY PANTS"!...Why me? I honestly didn’t know what to do. What did she want from me? “Okay, the restrooms are right over here". “I NEED YOU TO HELP ME IN THERE"! “Oh...um". I was hoping she was pulling a prank on me. I was speechless. After what seemed like forever, I said, “Okay I’ll meet you in there after I seat this party".
She said ok and went to the bathroom. I grabbed Lucy and told her what happened. She had no idea what to do either. We thought about getting her husband but we knew he was useless. Lucy kept doing her job while I checked on Mrs. Green. I went to the bathroom and there is Mrs. Green in an open stall on the toilet. I looked away and asked, “Uhh...is there anything I can do for you"?
“Can you get me a plastic bag for my underwear"? Phew! I thought she was going to ask me to wipe her or something. I went and got her a plastic bag. After I handed it to her I asked, “Is there anything else I can do for you"? “YES! WATCH THE DOOR BECAUSE I’M GONNA COME OUT AND WASH MYSELF IN THE SINK"!
“It’s ok, ma’am, I can just hand you wet paper towels". “NO, I NEED THE SINK"! Jesus, Joseph and Mary. I go out and watch the door, thankfully, nobody came by. I went back into the bathroom and ask, “Are you going to be ok"? “NO! I NEED HELP PULLING UP MY PANTS"! I literally held my breath and braced for the worst. Everything seemed to be going fine until the very last second where I accidentally touched her butt.
I scalded my hand like there was no tomorrow. I helped her back to her table and pulled out her seat again. She leans over to her husband and says, “Honey, we have to go. I just pooped my pants". You know what Mr. Green said? “We’re not leaving! This is a nice restaurant and I want to finish my dinner"! My heart sank. I wanted to scream.
There was nothing else I could do though. I go back to my hostess duties and tell Lucy everything. After a little while later, the Greens are leaving. Mrs. Green is just mere steps from the door when she stops and says, “UH-oh"! Not again. SHE POOPED HER PANTS AGAIN! This time both me and Lucy help her to the bathroom. I am not doing this again!
This time Lucy helped her in the stall. If you recall, Mrs. Green already soiled her underpants so she was wearing just regular pants now and now EVERYTHING is ruined. There was literally nothing we could do. When Mrs. Green comes out of the stall, tears are streaming down her face from embarrassment. I felt awful.
We walk her out to the front of the restaurant where Mr. Green is waiting for her, not happy. He groans and opens the door so fast that he almost hits Mrs. Green. We decided to walk her to her car. That was the worst work experience of my life. WAIT, IT GETS WORSE. The Greens still come back every now and then. Mrs. Green doesn’t even remember me.
She came up to me another day and said, “I’m sorry dear but I need some help in the restroom". Yes. This is my life. I told management this problem and they didn’t seem to care.
57. One-Man Fight Club
The little town I grew up in had these two car dealerships on opposite sides of town, one Chevy, one Ford. The owners were bitter rivals. Attack ads, smack-talking salesmen, billboard wars, you name it. It took one of them dying to reveal the truth. When the owner of the Chevy dealership passed on, it came out he'd also owned the Ford dealership by way of a shell company.
No one saw that coming, including a lot of the higher ups who worked at the dealerships.
58. Geist of Saint Traft but in Real Life
For my 18th birthday, my oldest brother thought it would be a good idea to hire a female adult dancer as a gift for me even though all my friends were from a Christian school and my mom and people who knew me and watched me grow would be in attendance and all knew a stripper wouldn't be something I would want.
After what felt like forever being forced to sit through the mortifying lap dance and all that she finally left the party. I felt bad she had to actually go through with it knowing I was being forced to sit through it. But it gets better...I actually KNEW her. She was from a wholesome part of my childhood—also I'm gay but was in the closet at the time. She and my mum even recognized each other as she was leaving, we only realized after she left that we knew her.
That day an actual part of my childhood withered and would have much preferred the $500 it cost to hire her as a gift :/
59. Cat-ernity Test
I had two cats. Adopted them at different times, and they were the same age or close to each other. They both got sick and had to be taken to the vet. He took blood tests on both of them, said he noticed similarities and then ran them against each other. I don't understand what he did exactly, but it revealed that they were related.
Yep, like brother and sister. They were adopted years apart, one as a kitten and one at 2 years old. Honestly couldn't believe it.
60. Wife Tales
Many years ago, I started dating my current wife. We lived two hours apart and it was a difficult start. We'd go on a date and I'd spent one weekend at her house. She came to spend a weekend at mine. On Fridays, I would play Magic with friends and drink. She walked into this chaos...and she didn't play Magic. Apparently, I was drinking too much and way too fast.
I stumbled upstairs and puked all over the bathroom. She cleaned up and helped me into bed and told everyone I was done for the night. She then proceeded to climb in and sleep next to me. But, wait...so, at the time I was still living with my ex. This is important. We had separate bedrooms and were completely platonic. She was still there though.
She had gone to the local bar with a couple friends. At some point in the night, my phone started blowing up with messages from her. Finally, future wife, completely sober, couldn't sleep and answered the phone. Ex had been kicked out of the bar and needed immediate pickup. Apparently, ex was slamming drinks herself and just projectile vomited all over the bar.
Future wife grabbed my car and headed to the bar in this unfamiliar town. She made the pick-up for messed up ex and two messed up friends. She continued forth on the half-mile drive back to my house. And then she proceeded to turn left on a no left-turn intersection. Unfortunately, a cop was near and decided to pull her over. Typical, “Ma'am, do you know... blah blah,” and ex pulls open the door and proceeds to puke everywhere. Officer is all like looks like you've got your hands full and sends her on her way. Cool.
They make it to my house. I am still obliviously passed out. Ex stumbles out of the car, falls down in the yard and pukes a bit more. She totally pees herself. Future wife helps her inside, cleans her up, helps her change clothes, and gets her into bed. She then climbs back into bed with me. About a year later we got married. I don't know what she was thinking.
61. Hello, Real World
Grew up uber rich, my dad was a real estate mogul in the European country I grew up in. Seriously no worries in the world, life was absolutely perfect. Then, one day, a bunch of government officials, heavily armed, raid our home, take all the contents of my dad's office, take him away, and now he's in the clinker for money laundering.
Yeah, the money isn't there anymore, my family was torn apart and because I missed being a spoiled brat, I drank myself into oblivion for two years. Now I just function like anyone else: work full-time at a restaurant, internship, college classes. It is just interesting making the mental shift from KNOWING your life will be worry-free and extraordinary because of nothing I had accomplished to not knowing what my future will look like and working hard to earn a spot in this world.
62. We Don’t Talk About That Door
I went to my first rave at 19 with some friends in Chicago. Everything was going great, there was dancing, making friends until my friend pulls me over and says, "Yo...there’s a sink full of knives over here". The place was fairly small. It looked like some kind of abandoned bar and there was nothing in it except for a bathroom, the sink, part of a counter, and one separate room with a closed door.
I go over and look into the sink and it’s stacked full of kitchen knives—like large butcher knives. We looked at each other and decided it was probably time to head out anyway (it was about 3-4am). Just then, a fight breaks out between two guys. Through the strobe lights I watched one guy try to punch the other, miss, and faceplant right into one of the cinder blocks guarding the DJ table. He was knocked out cold.
Yep, it was definitely time to go, except one of our friends had to pee. So, as we waited for her by the entryway (close to the closed room), I started chatting with this cute guy and he seems chill so I suggested he come hang with us for a while since we're leaving, but instead of answering he picks me up and opens the door to said room and tries to drag me in.
I sprawled my hands and feet to grab the door frame while my friends had to physically stop him. I only got a glance but there were a couple people going at it and one dirty-looking mattress in what I later learned was the "bang room". Just as we started walking towards the train, not more than a block from the event, two cop cars with only lights & no sirens speed past us and stop right at the venue we were at.
We were all high and had illicit substasnces on us and left just in time for the place to get raided. I don’t know if I felt more lucky or stupid at the time but it was definitely a night to remember.
63. Sleep Twins
Studying abroad in England, I planned a weekend trip to Barcelona with this girl. This is pre-cellphones. I overslept. Got to the airport like three hours late. As soon as I arrive, there's the girl. At the exact same time we both say, "I am SO sorry...Wait, what are you sorry for"? Turns out she overslept too. British Airways changed our tickets for us, no charge, and we got to Barcelona a few hours late.
64. Dating Karen
I went on a date with a girl. She did not look like her picture. Ok, whatever. But then she yells at me for telling her Canada has provinces, not providences, and insists they're the same. I'm from Canada. Then she freaks out because she realizes I work for the same company as her boyfriend who she had not mentioned to me, which would have been fine if he was into open relationships, but she hadn't told him yet.
Then she tells me the problem with my company is that it "keeps hiring all these immigrants to come take our jobs". I am an immigrant just hired by said company. I stare blankly at her waiting for her to clue in. She says, "I mean no offense...I don't mean you, you're white".
65. Change of Heart
I used to be pretty overweight, around 50 pounds. I'd pretty much eat at a buffet once every week and had absolutely no intentions of stopping or losing weight. Plot twist: One fateful lunch, I went to Red Robin and ate a ton. I probably shouldn't have had that refill of fries, but I said, "Let's do this". Then I shouldn't have eaten dinner that night, but I thought...it's just a little bit of curry. Big mistake.
That night, I had the WORST heartburn in my life. I seriously thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital and all that. All I could pretty much eat was fruits, veggies, and oatmeal. So...this is all I ate three meals a day for the next several weeks. Sometimes I would eat some porridge with chicken, but that was kind of the limit.
Any time I ate anything slightly greasy, I got instant heartburn. It was Thanksgiving weekend and all I did was try a little bit of stuffing and bam...heartburn. So, I was pretty much on chicken or fish, fruits, veggies, and my savior...oatmeal. I now eat oatmeal every morning with some apples and bananas, and I'm still 50 pounds lighter.
66. Teenagers, Am I Right?
I’m 18 years old at a Steak n' Shake with two of my good friends. One of our friends was notably depressed and he wanted to break some news. We ordered and as he was about to break the news, the table next to us was being rowdy and disrespectful. I confronted them, but was met with a lot of, "Shut up, fatty," and other profanities.
Thinking of myself as an "18-year-old Alpha," I began arguing back making the situation worse. The manager was sent out and we got yelled at like a bunch of kindergartners. We ended up getting kicked out of the restaurant, but wait it gets worse. I was an edgy smoker so I told them jokingly, "Hey guys, I'm going to go get some cancer I'll be back".
My depressed friend then broke down sobbing revealing to us his dad just got diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I haven't had a smoke in 6 years.
67. Sock It to 'Em
I was at a big art show with my wife and kid, who was 3 or 4 at the time. We were walking up to a doorway and I notice a couple of huge, unclothed statues. I mean, like, no big deal to me, but I was worried about what the kid was going to say because he's a bit of a loud-mouth at the best of times, and I didn't need him yelling about statue junk in the middle of a crowded art gallery.
I realized the worst thing to do was make any kind of a scene about it. No covering eyes or anything, just subtly angling the stroller away from the statues and making a big deal about art things on the opposite side of the aisle. Then, the inevitable happens. I remember it happening in slow motion. Kid's head turns towards the statues.
Eyes widen. Arm raises and finger points. Mouth slowly opens. "Dad! Look at those statues! They aren't wearing any socks"!
68. A Flat Tire and a Tow Truck That’s MIA(AA)
I'm driving down the side of a mountain on the freeway on my way to work for a 4am shift and I get a flat tire. I pull over and watch the big rigs going by about three feet from my car and decide I don't really care to change that tire. I call AAA, I call my work to let them know I'll be late, and I sit and wait.
I watched two different tow trucks drive by. I call AAA back. I watch another tow truck go by, and now I can't get anybody at AAA. Fine, I'll change the tire in the rain while trying not to get hit by giant trucks who can't see me until the last minute because of a bend in the road. I get my spare tire out, get out my jack, and realize I have a problem.
I'd only had the car about two months and I had made sure I had a spare tire and a jack. However, I don't have the handle to make the jack do anything. I still can't get AAA back on the phone so I call home. I talk to my dad and he'll come bring me a jack. Both parents show up. I still have no idea why my mom came to watch us change a tire.
We get the tire changed and now we can see the spare tire is low on air. No problem, my dad has an air pump. It was a brand-new pump and we had to open the packaging to use it. It doesn't work. Ok then. We slowly make our way on the shoulder about two miles to the exit and pull into a gas station to air up my tire. I went to check the air pressure and my tire gauge basically exploded into different pieces.
The spare tire had a higher pressure than what the gauge could measure. And that's why I started my 4am shift at 6.
69. My Catholic Atheist Rabbi
Entered seminary planning to be a rabbi. Five years later, I'm an atheist, a teacher, and dating a Catholic. Whoops.
70. When It Goes From Bad to Worse
I had a doctor’s appointment after work so I needed to be in at 7 to get off in time. My alarm wasn’t set, but I woke up at 6:50 naturally and got dressed as fast as possible. I got there at 7:20 and the way it works at my job is that I would have to take a 45-minute lunch instead of an hour since I was working less than 8 hours. Okay, cool.
I had my sister’s spare key in my purse from borrowing her car. I told her previously that I'd hold on to it for a rainy day. She texts me that day an hour into work saying that she locked her keys in her car and she needs her spare. She only lives ten minutes away. I'll just have a 15-minute lunch. Fine. As I'm driving down the interstate a car tailgates me so I get in the lane over to let him by.
Just barely avoided hitting a guy in the next lane who was in my blind spot. I get to the house and get the key to my sister, tell her what a bad day I've had thus far and barely avoided crying. She tells me that my day will get better and thanks me for bringing the key. I get back to work to go park in the garage and there is no parking. At this point, I call my coworker and start sobbing as I explain my day so far as I am unsuccessfully going up and down the parking garage searching for a spot. I end up having to park in the middle of Egypt.
I talked to my boss. I figured everything out and got into a better mood and despite only having a 15-minute lunch, I calmed down and was in much better spirits. Then my dad messages a family group chat informing us that our stepmom, who was diagnosed with cancer two months before and had been in the ICU ever since, was going into hospice.
We found out later that day she was going to be taken off the ventilator and wasn't expected to survive much longer after that. She passed the next day.
Unsplash
71. The Family Tangled Ball of Yarn
I used to work with a guy in his early 20s who, at the time this story begins, was getting ready to go with his family for his first big trip out of the country. He was pretty dang excited and we were getting the play-by-play of all the things they were going to see. Where they were staying, what they were going to do, he was preparing for all of it.
Specifically, he would need to get a passport, but his birth certificate had been lost. When the replacement one arrived, the dark family secret got revealed. His mom's name isn't the woman he's called "mom" his whole life, it's his sister. Turns out, his "sister" had him super young, and his grandparents basically took him on and raised them as their son.
No one ever told him the truth. So Sister was actually Mom and Mom and Dad was actually Grandpa and Grandma. Real dad is unknown. He took a few days off work to sort himself out, still went on the trip, still apparently had a blast.
72. And I Keep Bleeding, I Keep, Keep Bleeding (Not) Love
I had debilitating arm pain for a few weeks and spent a lot of money and time going to the doctor trying to get it figured out while navigating the American healthcare system. But wait, it gets worse. My doctor decides that I am depressed and this is causing my pain. He prescribes anti-depressants which make me incredibly sick and cause loss of appetite. But wait, it gets worse.
I start having chest pain and difficulty sleeping. It gets so bad I go to urgent care and they tack on a script for valium. I start popping these as often as I can to try and control the pain I am in and trying not to pass out. But wait, it gets worse. The chest pain starts to get so bad and is accompanied by difficulty breathing so I go to the ER. After an emergency CT scan, it turns out I have a pulmonary embolism. But wait, it gets worse.
I am taken off anti-depressants and my birth control pill and put on a loading dose of blood thinners. This causes me to have my period. But wait, it gets worse. I start bleeding excessively. Not to be too explicit, but clots the size of baseballs every 10-20 minutes by day 2. But wait, it gets worse. I return to the hospital and am told I am just having a bad period and the reason I passed out walking to the bathroom was not from my blood loss, but from influenza, which I tested positive for.
I go home and lie on the couch bleeding through my clothing and delirious with fever. But wait, it gets worse. My flu symptoms improve and I am cleared to fly to go to Canada to see my parents for Christmas despite still having heavy bleeding. My husband has to help me onto the plane because I am so weak. I am wearing adult diapers because it's the only thing that controls the bleeding. But wait, it gets worse.
I make it home to my parents' and spent 2 days in bed. On Christmas Eve I check my heart rate monitor and see that my resting heartbeat is 140 BPM. I am incredibly dizzy and pale. At first, I attribute this to flu. But wait, it gets worse. I convince my Dad and my husband to bring me to the hospital. As it turns out my hemoglobin is so low from all the bleeding that at this point, I am in danger of having a heart attack.
For Christmas, I get two emergency units of blood and a ton of morphine. But wait, it gets worse. The morphine and blood loss combo causes the worst migraine I've ever had in my life. I start screaming and puking. I need an emergency CT scan on my head, which was my second in just over a week. But wait, it gets worse.
Luckily my head CT is clear but I continue to have debilitating migraines. I spend the next several months recovering and finally am well enough to start functioning like a normal human again. Then I get a bill from the hospital explaining that my insurance company says that they will not cover my initial CT scan (the one I had that diagnosed my PE originally) because I didn't pre-approve it. I’m still currently fighting this with both insurance and the hospital.
73. One More Try
My freshman year of high school, a female friend of mine asked me to Homecoming and I shut her down pretty hard. Not maliciously of course. I was just a stupid, dense teenage boy. We both went on to date other people and ended up in super long-lasting toxic relationships. Three days ago, I married that girl who I was such an idiot to turn down.
74. It’s Not What It Looks Like!
This was back in my freshman year of high school in my physical science class. We had a substitute that day and she was walking around making sure that we weren't on our phones or anything. As I worked my way through the test, I came to the free-response questions. The first question was something about projectile motion involving an object fired from a cannon.
It said to solve it and draw a representation. I'm not much of an artist, so I draw two wheels and a shaft. I think that this is probably good enough. Then the sub who is walking around stops at my desk. She stands there for a few seconds, looks at me, and then keeps walking. Why did she stop at my desk? I look at my paper and realize that my cannon does not look like a cannon.
It looks phallic. I frantically begin thinking about how to fix it and make it more cannon-like. I decide that I should add texture to the wheels to help distinguish it. In my head, the cannon wheels were made of stone. So, to show this, I draw little squiggles all over the wheels. Perfect. Nope. Now it has ball hair and the sub is walking back towards my desk.
I desperately think about what to do before deciding that I should color it black. Cannons are usually black. I shade it all in, but now it just looks like a black one. The sub passes my desk again. I decide to round the wheels a bit more and call it good. It looks kind of like a cannon now. I continue reading the problem and realize that I need to draw the projectile.
I draw a circle to suggest a cannonball. This is perfectly fine, but now I decide that I am an artist and I need to show motion. I put two motion lines behind the ball that connect to opposite sides of the cannonball and stem from the cannon. Now it appears to be expelling stuff all over. I give up. I write, "This is a cannon" and have an arrow point to my beautiful drawing. I continue on with the test. I got a hundred.
75. That’s Cheating
I was a Starbucks barista before the whole "names on cups" thing was big—or at least, it wasn't really practiced in my tiny store. There was this very cute guy who came in maybe 4-6x a week. A little often, but nothing out of the ordinary. I flirted like mad. He flirted back. It was all great. Then he comes in with his fiancé. I was betrayed and treated him coldly from then on. But I had it all wrong.
A month later, two of them come in together and I find out that he—uh, they—are twins and I'd shot down any chance I had with the single one.
76. The Worst Time to Forget Your “Doo-Key”
I was working for a large hotel chain in London for a few weeks, photographing interiors/exteriors for their brochures and I'd end up going from hotel to hotel meeting managers/assistants who would take me round the hotel all day while I took my photos. Knowing full well that no-one works in a hotel without acquiring some pretty amazing stories, I would interrogate each one for their most outrageous tales.
I got to hear a bunch of stories that ranged from fascinating to dull: The orgies, the famous faces cheating on their spouses, the occasional slaughtered goat in the bath (incredibly more common than you might think...), and the time that the cast of Friends stayed at the hotel while they were filming those episodes in London.
One story rose above the rest. A gentleman, alone in his suite, woke up in the middle of the night with a DIRE need to unload his bowels. I mean a really, really desperate need, to the point that he must have woken up in a panic as he jumped out of bed, completely unclothed, bolted for the bathroom door and burst inside. Except he didn't.
In his tired state, and no doubt thanks to his unfamiliarity with the hotel room, he bolted for the front door of the room by mistake and let the door shut behind him. Now this man who both, let’s not forget, feels an agonizing rumbling in his intestines and is wearing his birthday suit, suddenly finds himself in the corridor and panics, understandably.
His desire to poop is so strong that it overwhelms any other thought going through his head. He. Must. Poop. He starts banging like a maniac on a neighboring door, hoping someone will answer, and eventually, someone does. A man opens up the door, probably assuming that a fire has started in the hotel and he's being woken up for an emergency evacuation. And in a sense, he's half right.
Our hero bursts into the room, pushing past the confused and bewildered occupant, apologizing along the way, and makes a break for the bathroom. But no. He doesn't make it. Halfway there, his sphincter gives in to the pressure and he unloads a spray of effluent across the floor of the stranger. Some of the foulest smelling waste imaginable is dumped all over the place in a mottled line, leading to the toilet.
The room’s original occupant, who was up until this point, standing scared, bewildered, and confused by the door still, immediately vomited. To his credit, the digestively challenged man did make it to the sitting position in the bathroom and sat there crying and apologizing to the vomiting man and eventually the hotel staff, for a full 10 minutes while his gut punished him for some earlier indiscretion.
When the "Pooper" had finished, the hotel moved the "Poopees" belongings (some of which were speckled with poop) to a new room and I assume that the Pooper had a nice long shower. But wait; it gets worse...
In the morning after the debacle, the Pooper walked into the restaurant for breakfast and who should be there but last night’s victim, eating his cornflakes. The two apparently locked eyes, whereupon last night’s memories must have come flooding back to the victim with a vengeance because the poor man, in the middle of a crowded room full of people enjoying their food, immediately vomited all over the table.
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77. Now That’s Your High School Movie!
During one of the lunch periods, some guys who had issues with each other started brawling in the cafeteria. The lunch monitors and on-duty officer for the high school weren't able to stop them as it was 5 or 6 rather large dudes. Reinforcements get called and 4 or 5 squad cars whip into the parking lot and the officers run into the school.
They get into the cafeteria and start breaking up the fight that 1/3rd of the school (~400) is watching at this point. One of the guys breaks free from the officer's hold after only getting one wrist cuffed and started sprinting away. The officer realized he wasn't going to catch up so he shot and hit the kid with a taser. The kid dropped immediately.
While that was going on, a kid decided that during that lunch period would be the perfect time to smoke in one of the bathrooms a bit away from the cafeteria. This wouldn't have been much of an issue, but homeboy was on that wacky tabacky. So what else is a high teen supposed to think when they hear squad car sirens whipping into the parking lot other than, "OH NO, THEY'RE GONNA GET ME"!
So, he needs to get rid of the evidence. Unfortunately, he wasn't the sharpest tool in the crayon box. Instead of flushing it or washing it down the sink, he throws his lit joint into the garbage can which, at this point in the day, is full of now dried paper towel that all catches fire. The kid freaks out and kicks the trashcan over sending flaming paper towel everywhere setting the bathroom on fire and books it.
While that was going on, a math class was winding down and people were working on their homework before they got to go to their lunch period. A girl calmly raised her hand. The teacher asked her what her question is and she said, "Um, I think my water just broke". The teacher bolted into action, called the office, and said they need an ambulance stat as he has a student going into labor (Pregnancies were not uncommon at the school).
He, being a father himself and having gone through this process with his wife, began leading the girl in breathing exercises until two paramedics showed up. They came in, got on each side of the girl, hooked their arms under hers, and lifted her completely off the ground before leaving as quickly and safely as they could out of the room. I do believe she was able to make it to the hospital to deliver a healthy baby.
All of this happened between 11:40am and 12:10pm. Everyone knew about all the separate events by the end of the day.
78. Skip to the Good Part
A few years ago, I got invited to a friend's engagement party. They were throwing a huge bash because they were planning on a very small destination wedding. Later in the evening, my friend's fiancé takes the mic and starts thanking everyone for being there. "Sorry, Jen will be out to thank you guys in a minute, she's just having a wardrobe malfunction".
He goes on to tell the story about how they met, how they were best friends and decided to get engaged and finished along the lines of "We wish you could all be there and that we could get married right now. So, we're going to". Out walks Jen in her wedding dress. The party went crazy, it was such a good moment. Great night.
79. The Ol’ Country Way
I was at a country concert in the middle of June and was dancing with some friends and all of a sudden, they disappeared (I was pretty messed up). As I'm leaving to go find them, this girl grabs my hand and we start dancing. One thing leads to another and we started making out until at one point she pulls away and says, "I don't think my boyfriend would like this".
I tell her I'm going to grab a drink to get away and she grabs my hand and says she'll come with me. Here's where it gets worse. I run into a customer from the store I work at and start chatting with him. The girl with me starts chatting with the customer’s girlfriend. All of a sudden I hear her tell the customer’s girlfriend, "Yeah it's my birthday in September! I turn 18"!
Noped out of there so fast.
80. Oh Nein
Gave up learning German aged 14; I was studying French as well, and used it far more often. I remember saying "When will I need German after this"? At 24, I got a job in Austria. The language of Austria is German. 14-year-old me didn't think 10 years ahead.
81. Going Once, Going Twice. Sold to the Highest Faker!
I went to an apartment auction and was planning to bid. Well within a minute it passed my limit and soon there were just 2 bidders left. One was a woman in her mid-20s, a first home buyer there with her mother. The other was a big, bald, angry, and aggressive-sounding man in his 40s at the back of the room. She would wait a while and think before increasing $1k then he would bark back immediately with $5k more.
Halfway through, he walks up to the front of the room, right next to her, and just says, "Don't try me, love, I'm going to win this". After a few more bids back and forth he was true to his word, laying significantly more than it was worth in my opinion. I thought that was it. But wait, it gets better. Two days later I was at work when I get a call from the real estate agent. "So, just hypothetically, if you had another shot at the place would you be interested"? It turns out the jerk's deposit cheque had bounced. I declined.
82. No Corrections
I used to call my tutor Mr. for the first eight months of tutoring...just to find out she was a woman.
83. Lesson NOT Learned
A few years ago, I was given a pocket blade as a birthday present. A few months later, I still hadn’t used it. It was getting close to Christmas so we were putting up decorations. The box that contained my Christmas tree was taped shut. I was going to get a pair of scissors when I remembered the pocket blade I got for my birthday. So, I went and got this thing out of my desk and started to open it up.
To this day I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to put my index finger UNDER the blade and pull back to open it. I just about took a slice off the front of my finger. So, I went down the hall and put a Band-Aid on it and then went back to my room. At this point, you’d think I’d have learned my lesson and would put the blade away in exchange for scissors.
Nope. I still used that thing to open the box and came close to cutting myself again in the process.
84. Don’t Make Me Mexi-Go
My mom and a gal pal went to Mexico for break during college. They had a great time. While boarding the return flight, her friend says, "Sorry, I'm staying," and runs off. My mom hears from her a few weeks later after not being able to contact her at all. This was the 70s, meaning long-distance calls and phones were scarce.
Turns out, her friend had been sneaking off at night and screwing the hotel gardener. She loves him and stayed in Mexico. That's all my mom knows. Hopefully they lived happily ever after.
85. The A-Plungers to the Rescue
Okay so like a year and a half ago, I had a Marvel movie marathon at my friend's house. We stayed up until like 7 am watching Marvel movies eating nothing but Oreos and drinking coca-cola. Throughout this time period, I hadn't gone to the bathroom once. So, after we finished one of the movies, I went to the bathroom and this is where things really go off the rails.
My stomach was hurting from eating only Oreos and soda, so I had to go pretty badly. Then I did and felt relieved...for like .5 seconds. I flush the toilet and it's not going down and I kind of begin panicking and start flushing the handle several times. Then at that pErfeCt moment, the water starts to rise and overflow, the contents still not flushed.
I tried using the plunger but that it wasn't working out for me since it was already overflowing. I start crying and my friend can hear me and comes in. She's a saint so she like calms me down and calls for her mom. It takes her mom an entire HOUR to fix the toilet and clean up. My friend and I look back and laugh now but at the time I wanted to flush myself down that toilet.
86. Anything for the Good Armor
One of my high school friends from Texas has a very strange brother who likes to pretend he's a girl on online games to get free stuff from people, or something like that. After I graduated, I moved to Boston for college, and last winter I went back to visit my friend. I was hanging out in her house when I saw her brother's laptop in the game room open with pictures of this girl on the desktop. When I saw them, I was stunned.
He said they were random pictures he found of some girl who posted on Reddit, but her account was inactive for years now so he was using those pictures to "prove" to someone he was a girl in the game he was playing. It blew my mind because that girl went to my school all the way in Boston, and was in my Econ class.
87. Family Affairs
Two of my friends had a falling out. I was dying to know what was going on between them because they lived together and I felt like I was watching mommy and daddy get divorced. One friend was never around and the other told me he honestly didn't know what going on. After a couple months, I finally got some one-on-one time with the friend who wasn't around and he explained everything to me in detail.
Basically, he asked if he could date the other friend's cousin and his response was an emphatic NO. But, since the other friend had dated his cousin without asking, he violated bro-code and started seeing her anyway. In dating this girl, he came to find out that she and the other friend were more than just cousins. They had carried on a physical relationship for years. Basically, they were like bunnies whenever the family wasn't looking.
But hold on! It gets worse. He was told this went on for 10 years. The girl was 22. Her cousin was 24. They had been sleeping together since middle school. But hold on tighter because it gets worse. The girl's father and her cousin's father are identical twins. Let that sink in for a second. Genetically, they are half-siblings.
At that point in the story, I downed my drink and apologized for even asking about what was going on. I wish I never knew. As a follow-up, they no longer live together or speak to each other. I'm still really close with the other friend. I see the creepy friend in passing and we're still friends, but it's hard to look him in the eye.
88. Still Jamming?
Met a dude at my local 24-Hour Fitness who was wearing a Shark Punch shirt. Since most people have no freaking clue about that band, I immediately decided I needed to talk to bro-out with this dude about his particular taste in music (metal). We get to talking, find out he’s a drummer, lives locally and wants to start jamming some evil stuff.
Awesome! Exchange numbers and all that good stuff. Of course, however, actually meeting up with reliable musicians is much harder than it sounds, despite the enthusiasm. Around the same time, I was working security at a local bar, and met this random cute girl who wasn't from the area but was totally into me and wanted to hang out.
Exchanged numbers and planned to meet up. When we finally did, we hit it off pretty well, but she had mentioned that she’s still kinda "dating around" but really liked me and hoped that I was okay with that. Totally was okay with that because I was also doing the same thing. We hung out maybe another time but then shortly after was hit with the "sorry but I’m kinda dating this other guy for serious" line, and I said I understood and moved on.
When gym guy and I finally managed to get together to jam, a friend of his was there to play bass with us. We get introduced, started talking about random stuff, then gym guy happened to mention to the buddy about the girl he was dating. He and I both started sharing our similarities in preference of people we date and I asked to see what she looked like.
He's like, "sorry dude, she doesn't have any social media or anything like that, but I have a video of her at some restaurant we went to a few weeks back". So he shows me the video. Me: Ah, she’s cute! Him: Yeah, I met her hanging outside of some bar in LA. Me: Dude she totally reminds me of this girl I was dating not too long ago. What’s her name?
Him: Kim. Me: Wait, really? That's so weird, I was dating a girl named Kim too. What are the odds? Hold up, she has a snapchat right? Him: Yeah...why? Me: (I start trying to find her on snap) Dude, what’s her name on there? The friend at this time is looking at the both of us like " oh no, oh no, oh no," and starts laughing.
Both of us at the same time: "Kimber-Sleaze". Friend is dying of laughter at this point, and we both come to the realization that we are the same dudes she ended up leaving/staying with. We still ended up jamming anyways.
89. It’s My Kid’s Party, I Can Yell if I Want to
I went to a friend's birthday party in fifth grade once. We all got into a limo with a bunch of the group’s moms, including the birthday girl’s, I'll call her Gina, mother. We were having a great time and the moms all decide they were going go to the bar and leave all us fifth graders in the limo. Things went fine until we went back to Gina's home.
We got there and our friend Jennifer said she had a stomach ache. Jennifer had a lot of health problems so we weren't surprised. Jennifer asked Gina's mother to call her family to leave. Gina's mother then practically cornered Jennifer and started yelling about how disrespectful she was. The other moms stepped in and told her to stop and Gina's mom then turned around and said that everyone had to leave and that the party was over.
We all left and I called my mom to pick me and Jennifer up. Gina came outside and said that her mom had passed out in bed, assumingly hopped up, and then brought the cake down so we could eat it on the sidewalk with our hands.
90. In-Ex-Scapable
Started dating a girl. Her single mom meets my single dad. They mingle. Hard. Girl sleeps with my best friend. Messy breakup. Now my ex girlfriend is my stepsister. Life is a sick ride.
91. A Flat Roofer Walked into a Club...
I went to a gentleman's club with a friend and passed out in the back rooms and then woke up to an empty wallet and a dancer saying I owed her $300. Authorities are called to address the situation. I show the officer my online bank info showing a $500 ATM withdrawal at said establishment. I told the officer that either the dancer took my money while I was passed out or the bar served me $500 worth of drinks. Officer doesn't think the dancer has a reason to lie.
I get cuffed and put in the tank and spend six sleepless hours there until I get released. Just as I'm leaving the station, my phone rings. My boss is wondering where I am (as it's a Tuesday). I tell him I spent the night in the tank. He tells me to stay right there and he’ll pick me up. I ended up working a 12-hour day as a flat roofer.
Marine Corps Base Camp Lejeune
92. Join My Guild?
My mom divorced my dad when I was 15...for someone she met on World of Warcraft.
93. Brothers Never Known
I always knew that my parents had some kind of "family secret". Various mutterings amended streams of conscious, etc. in my childhood. From the sound of it, I was under the impression that I had an older sibling. I am the oldest sibling of four, so I was fixated on the few little details, but as I grew older, I assumed it was a very morbid kind of imaginary friend delusion I had.
When I was in high school, I was talking to my mother when she slipped, saying something about her early relationship with my dad. I pushed her on it and found out that she had stayed with my dad after they had a child at age 15. She went on to tell me that I’d had not one, but three older siblings, and that they were lost in some kind of accident.
My mom broke down. I didn't push for details and never have. That day, I went from being the oldest of four to the middle of seven. Probably my frame of reference for the concept of "trauma". Every obsession, every worry, and character flaw of my teenage self at that time burned into my character like scars.
94. The Pressure’s on
My father passed on when I was six. My mom told me it was a heart attack while he was out at sea with the Navy. In my teens, I assumed she might have been covering up something bad about him to spare my feelings and maybe he offed himself or passed of an overdose or something, because he wasn't fat or unhealthy.
Cut to 20 years later, and seven of the eight siblings in his family have expired before the age of 60 because of heart disease-related issues. I'm starting to think it wasn't a lie.
95. Liar, Liar…
My sister married a guy who lied about a lot of stuff. In the first six months after the wedding, we've found out everything he lied about. For one, his previous job—he wasn't a history professor apparently. His house back in his country and the fact that it was damaged by a hurricane—he didn't even own a house. His previous marriage, unfaithful ex-wife, and him having kids—he was married but only for a couple of years and those kids were not his...she kicked him out.
His mom being deceased (a really strange moment for us and her). His other relatives like cousins, etc. treating him badly. We couldn't figure out why nobody in his family wanted to help or even come for a wedding. Turns out, he's a pathological liar hated by everyone. Needless to say, they’re separated now.
96. A Wave of Relief
I dated a girl who lived in a city I had recently moved away from. On my birthday, I drove out so that we could be together/go out to dinner. The entire time we were at dinner she was distant and constantly checking her phone/sending texts/etc. There was virtually no conversation, and her constant texting was uncharacteristic.
It started to give me the vibe that she was either cheating on me or just not that into the relationship anymore. When we finish eating, she asks if it's ok if we stop by a mutual friend's house to pick up something. I reluctantly agreed, thinking it was a pretty selfish request considering it was my birthday and it was just something for her.
As we're walking up the steps to our friend's apartment I'm running through different ways for me to break off the relationship...up until when the door opens and I realize she had planned a big surprise party with a ton of my old friends (many of whom she didn't even know.) All of the texts and lack of attention that I had been attributing to a lack of interest in me turned out to be the exact opposite. She's a beautiful person.
97. Fake Grandpa
My grandpa fought in WWII and did all of these heroic and brave things. I always loved knowing that I shared my genetics with him—but everything is different now. I found out last year that my grandfather wasn’t my biological grandfather—I’m 35. Apparently, he met my grandmother and father after the conflict in Germany (my grandmother is Polish) and he brought them to America.
My dad was only three at the time. Everyone in my family apparently kept this from me because they knew how much I looked up to him. And sadly, both my grandparents are long gone so I can’t even ask them questions about what really happened. I kind of wish I didn’t know; ignorance is bliss sometimes.
98. Bi the Way
I struggled with my identity a lot; it took me years to admit that I was gay. 10 years after coming out of the closet, I fell for a girl and it caught me completely off guard.
Pxfuel
99. The Plot Thickens
I'm 60 years old and my girlfriend is 59. About 40 years ago, she wrote a book that became a bestseller. The celebrity freaked her out. She changed her name, moved to a small town and ignored everyone from her past. She doesn't know that I know all about it.
100. Free Pizza, Though
I grew up winning loads of free pizza for being a bookworm, not to mention having a trophy case full of academic regalia. Plot Twist: IRL social skills matter far more than knowing what two rivers merge to form the Ohio.
101. Who’s Your Daddy?
I know that my uncle's son is not really his biological son. His wife at the time was sleeping with her cousin and boom, baby! To this day, my cousin doesn't know and treats his dad—who raised him as if he were his own and has never said a word about it to anyone but me—like garbage because of the lies his mother spread about him. I kind of want to tell him to do a DNA test so that he'll know and maybe, just maybe, realize that his mother is not exactly the saint that she’s made herself out to be.
102. Bad Twist to Good Twist
I was 19 and casually seeing a girl. Then one day, I found a lump in one of my testicles while I was taking a shower. Went to the doctor and it turned out that it was cancer and that they would have to remove it. Oh, and I would have to have at least two rounds of the most intensive chemo out there if I wanted to not die.
There was also the very strong chance that I would be sterile for the rest of my life. Realizing that this was something that I might not survive, I ended things with the girl I was seeing and dropped off the face of the planet, as I didn't want to end up being the deceased boyfriend. She found out what was going on, though, and basically insisted that she be with me through it all.
She came to every single 8-10-hour chemo session and helped me through recovery. Fast forward six years, and we are happily married with two kids and our third on the way.
103. All in the Family
I was just informed by a close friend that my wife’s openly gay brother is secretly having an affair with his own husband’s half-sister. The friend who told me about it also says that the half-sister is desperate to get pregnant, and my wife’s brother has no idea. This could get interesting…
104. I’m Too Old for This Blessing
I have a co-worker, "Joe," a great guy who has an equally great wife, "Nina". Over the years, and even prior to meeting Joe, multiple doctors told Nina she would be unable to get pregnant on her own due to problems with her ovaries and Fallopian tubes. She and Joe decided that a child-free life was OK with them.
So, she and Joe married and lived happily for 12 years. When they started out, they didn't have much, but as time passed, they progressed in their careers and made a nice life for themselves. Finally, they got to a point that they were comfortable enough to buy a sports car for themselves, something Joe always wanted to do.
It was the first new, off-the-lot car they ever owned. Now Joe and Nina were in their early forties at this time and figured they'd just coast on into retirement. Well, about six months after they bought the car, winter came. Nina got a case of the flu she just couldn't seem to shake. She just felt run down and nauseous, just not herself.
After about three weeks of this, she went to the doctor. The doctor asked if there was any possibility she could be pregnant. She laughed at him and said, "I've been married for 12 years now and haven't had so much as a scare of being pregnant. Multiple doctors said it's just not going to happen for me. No way". But, her doctor said, "Humor me and let me rule it out. Just do a urine test".
Well, wanting to figure out what was actually wrong with her ASAP, Nina peed on the stick and, you guessed it, PREGNANT. So, in their forties and with 12 years of living just the two of them, they were expecting. After the initial shock wore off, they were actually pretty excited even though they had to sell the sports car, since a two-seater wasn't really going to work for them.
A few months later, their son Jon came into the world the usual way: happy, healthy baby. So, they became a family of three and they still are today. Jon just finished his first year of high school, great kid and super smart too. You just never know what life's gonna throw at you!
105. The Old Switcheroo Gone Wrong
I have one that is straight out of a freaking soap opera and I am fully ready to accept people calling me on it, but I'm gonna tell it anyway. I was very good friends with a guy in high school named John, who was dating a lovely guy named Janni and was madly in love with him. He carried Janni's picture around in his wallet, and every time they were together they were super sweet.
Really adorable couple. Then, one day, Janni starts acting really strange and distant, doesn't answer John's phone calls. Doesn't spend time with us, the whole works. He flat out broke up with John and broke the poor guy's heart. I brought a spare t-shirt for a few days because my shoulder would be soaked from him crying on it. And then it got even worse.
John called me one afternoon after school and begged me to come over because he needed a friend. When I got there, he told me that Janni had passed in a car accident and he was absolutely devastated all over again. I went with him to the funeral a few days later for moral support and he was just broken. Spent a couple of weeks just moping and being depressed. And here comes the plot twist.
Are you ready for this twist? He gets a freaking call from Janni. He had a twin brother who we never knew about who was apparently a big troublemaker and had been sent off to boarding school. When he'd been home to visit last, they'd swapped places for some reason that I never found out. Either simply for a laugh or for some other reason I never knew, but they did.
His twin was the one wo had been avoiding John and "broke up" with him, and he had been drinking and doing substances before he got into the accident that ended him. Janni had been off at boarding school, so he wasn't able to make it back for the funeral, and when he did get home he had to work up his nerve for a few days to tell his parents what they had done.
This led to them realizing that the child they thought was deceased was actually alive and vice versa, which led to some fun family complications, not the least of which being obituary retractions, headstone replacement and lots of screaming apparently. Meanwhile, John and him had a whirlwind romance afterwards in a giddy fit of reunited bliss.
However, it fizzled out after a month or so because John was furious after the reality sank in at what Janni had done without telling him and letting him be so miserable all that time, not to mention letting him think that he'd passed on. I was the third-party observer in all this, but to this day it's probably the most unbelievable thing that's ever happened in my life.
106. Swing Low, TMI Chariot
I overheard two girls and learned that my neighborhood has a not-so-secret group of swingers. I will never look at my middle-aged neighbors the same way.
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107. True Fate
I was adopted from South America to the US when I was a toddler and have no memory of my birth parents. I had an older friend/mentor I met in college. I knew him as Mike. When I learned that my birth mother passed on, I got a few of her belongings including some pictures. Who was in these pictures? Mike. He was my birth father.
108. More Than He Bargained for
Private investigator here. One woman I was hired to investigate was married to a guy who made a decent living. He wasn't mega-rich, but he likely made around $250K a year. He started to suspect his wife was cheating on him, so we tailed her for the weekend. It was only one weekend, but we quickly discovered that she was selling herself on Craigslist and Backpage.
We caught over 13 men coming in and out of her motel room that weekend and found her ads online.
109. You’ve Got Mail
My mom and I haven't really had any relationship for the past five years for a lot of reasons, a couple of huge parts of that being my having left the religion that I was raised in and her having severe bipolar disorder that made her nearly impossible to deal with. We have only spoken once in the last five years, and it was awful.
It was about a year and a half ago. I drove down to California to visit her (450 miles from me) and tried to patch things up. It ended up in a huge blowout fight and generally went as poorly as it possibly could have. We never spoke again. One morning in May of this year, my dad showed up at my door randomly (he and my mom had been divorced for many years) and said we needed to talk.
The apartment building my mom was living in had been set on fire and she didn't make it out. I still can't believe how hard it hit me. It changed me, maybe forever. The worst part was about three weeks ago, when I was trying to remember the password to an old PayPal account. I had to have it reset and it was sent to an old email address that I haven't used in years. What I saw when I logged in chilled me to the bone.
I found an email from her, sent just shortly before she passed on. In it, she was apologizing and trying to reconnect and make amends. We had been out of contact for so long that it was the last email address she had for me, but since I hadn't been using it for years I didn't get her message until months after her passing.
110. The Unwelcome Additions
My stepfather had a long-time sweetheart in his home country, and they planned to marry once he had built a life in the US and gotten his citizenship. Four years later, he sent a letter to his family letting him know that he was coming to visit for a week and to let his fiancée know that he wanted to see her.
She and their families assumed that he finally wanted to get married that week, as planned, so they set up the wedding. Big. Mistake. Imagine their surprise when my step-dad shows up with a wife and a two-year-old child. I don't know what he said to his fiancée, but his words had terrible consequences. She actually hung herself after he formally called their wedding off. It was incredibly heartbreaking.
He ended up having to pack up my mom and the baby and flee the area the following morning because the fiancée’s family blamed him for her passing.
111. No Double Dipping!
I once went to a wedding where the bride got back at her cheating groom in the most ingenious way possible. In the final moments of a Jewish wedding, after the marriage was finalized and all official, the bride straight-up runs to the crowd and says, “I’m divorcing my husband for sleeping with my sister"!
I'm not Jewish but apparently, once you’re married in that faith, the bride or groom cannot marry or remarry someone related to the previous wife or something like that. So, this bride not only publicly humiliated her cheating groom and her sister by outing them. She also sealed the fact that they can never ever be together. Mic dropped.
112. The Old Switcharoo
My wife and I absolutely adore our son. It’s been amazing to watch him grow up—but neither of them know the painful secret that I’ve had to keep from them ever since the day my wife went into labor. She nearly passed while giving birth, and the labor was so difficult that she fell into a coma afterward for days. When she woke up cradling our son in her arms, she had no idea about the sin I’d committed.
I secretly bought my son from a human trafficker after my wife had lost our biological child during the birth process. This is quite easy to do in my country, considering that there are a lot of very poor parents willing to give their children away.
113. Cell Phony
I went to a wedding where the bride got inebriated and the groom picked up her phone to discover that she had been inappropriately texting a coworker throughout the entire wedding. He told the officiant to not file the paperwork. This occurred towards the end of the reception, as they were leaving to go to the honeymoon suite. The story is that she was plastered.
Her phone kept getting notifications so he decided to pick it up for her. They did not go on their honeymoon and they returned the gifts to everyone. The guests weren’t told about what happened for a couple of weeks, as the bride was trying everything she could to save the relationship. Regardless, it was a great reception!
114. I Don’t Think That Word Means What You Think It Means
This was unbelievable. My co-worker’s girlfriend filed for divorce a few weeks ago. That's right, girlfriend. They aren't married, and common-law doesn't apply in my state. They lived together for five years. She has a job. She isn't on the mortgage. And she left him a few months ago. There are no kids involved. They were never engaged.
In the "divorce," she wants him to leave his house and she wants to be the one to move back in. She also wants him to pay her $2,800 a month for some reason. I referred him to my divorce attorney, and now that attorney is probably going to represent him. The chick is nuts. She has already tried to get a restraining order against him that was dismissed.
115. Missed Encounters
At a wedding reception of a college friend of my husband’s, we went over to our table and introduced ourselves while we waited for the bride and groom to arrive. As soon as we came over, they all went pale. They were horrified that we were there—and extremely worried. That's when we learned that the bride (my husband's old friend) had been in love with him for over a decade.
My husband had NO idea that she had feelings for him. And we did NOT escape unscathed. She bee-lined right for our table after the "introducing Mr & Mrs" thing—ignoring her family and leaving her husband standing alone. She clung to my husband and sobbed—lifting her head to glare at me. She eventually had to be pulled off of him.
She repaired herself, then followed us as we tried to leave quietly—her parting shot was to stare at my chest and say, "Well I guess I know what I was missing all along"! Her new husband was in shock and my husband was horrified and embarrassed—he was completely clueless and would never have gone to the wedding if he'd known she was obsessed with him. It was bizarre.
116. A “Shameful” Family Secret
My great-grandmother hated me. I was an "illegitimate" child, and my parents split when I was three. When my dad got his girlfriend pregnant, my great-grandmother said that she would cut him out of her life if "He didn't marry this one". My father married my stepmother, who was a single mother, and my great-grandmother was fantastic to my step-brother and my sister, but not me.
She flat-out refused to have anything to do with me. I spent Christmas with the family, but I came home crying to my mum, asking why Grandma wouldn't talk to me. For the entire four days I was there, she ignored me, while cuddling my brother and sister as much as she could, because they lived in another country by then.
I didn't find out any of this until after she passed. I wasn't included in her will—the only grandchild not included out of about 7 grandchildren, and many more great-grandchildren. My dad took some of his inheritance and passed it on to me, along with a few heirlooms, keeping up the pretense that she didn't hate me up into my 30s.
I was so hated by her that I'm only just starting to meet family members, who had no idea I existed. My dad, siblings, and nana were forbidden to speak about me to other family members, so the few who met me when I was a baby had forgotten I existed. I’m 36 now… It’s a long time to be keeping me a secret from the rest of the family.
My sister only told me all of this a few years ago, though she'd known my great-grandmother hated me from when we were kids because she would speak very hatefully about me behind my back. My nana's partner confirmed it a couple months ago, with my mum finally telling me about it the last Christmas I ever saw her.
117. It’ll Take a Lot to Kill This Pain
I had a friend in college who I thought was just a friend. Always thought she was so cool because she’d do anything for anyone. Turns out it was just me and most of the stories were lies. She was prescribed painkillers for something and had no problems sharing them as we hung out and smoked often.
We’d drive outside of campus through the cornfields and get high, listening to music and talking. One day she picks me up at my dorm and offers me a drink. Cool, but it’s already open. At first, I really thought nothing of it but then I take a sip and think something is definitely off. I taste the painkillers. Oooookay, maybe I’m paranoid?
I ask her to take me home and she asks if we can stop by her place first. Ok, but I think it’s a bit strange. We walk in and it’s literally trashed, dishes piled up, a few bags of trash laying around. She starts GOING OFF about how much she cleans and her roommates just trash the place, how she just “did the dishes yesterday and took out the trash” (I’m seeing food dried to plates, trying hard to understand how four girls can make three bags of trash in 24 hours, no freaking way she was telling the truth).
Then I realized how she was cleaning—dropping it low, thong showing, flirtatious talking—and now I realize I’m starting to feel the effects of the painkillers; with every new bout of blurred vision and itchy skin I realize need to get the hell out of there NOW. Texted my brother to meet me in the middle of campus and to keep heading towards her place if I didn’t show up.
The last thing that I remember is hugging my brother and then waking up the next day. She never tried to speak to me again but made sure to ask everyone we knew why I was mad at her to see if I told anyone. You’re lucky I didn’t, JESSICA! If a girl is obsessed with horses, run far, run fast and don’t look back.
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