#12 Now It Gets Really Tricky If The Son Starts To Mimic His Dad
My wife and I used to hide money in her underwear drawer so our kids wouldn't be digging through it. One morning, I was getting dressed and wanted to get some money before I forgot, so I was digging through her underwear when my five-year-old son saw me. He asked what I was doing and naturally, I couldn't tell him that I needed money so I had to say something like, "I was just cleaning things up." Pretty sure he didn't believe me and thought I was looking for a pair to wear.
#13 I Promise I'm Just Going Home!
I went to my friend's house one night and came back around 12:30 a.m. My friend lives about an hour away from me on the opposite side of the city. When I was driving back home afterward, this car cut me off on the on-ramp, and I honked at it. I then turned the music back up and pretty much drove home on autopilot, but when I got off the freeway at my exit, I realized that the same car that cut me off was in front of me. After that, I got kind of curious, because it had been about 30 minutes since the incident, and we'd changed freeways twice already. I then got a little bit worried that they'd think I was following them home, but I didn't think too much of it until the car started going up the same side streets I did.
Eventually, I realized that my 16-year-old neighbor who just learned how to drive cut me off, and she and her friends were probably now petrified that some lunatic was following them home. I guess she'd called her parents in the meantime because she pulled into her driveway and the house lights were all lit up. Her dad (a huge guy) was standing outside with a baseball bat. I then pulled into my own garage and apologized for scaring them and it was all chill after that.
#14 When A Child Having A Seizure Is The Better Of The Two Options...
I used to work as a teaching assistant in a school for children with special needs. I was often assigned to kids that needed a dedicated person to help them so the lead teacher could continue with the lesson. One of the kids I had would have minor seizures that would pass after about a minute, so the best thing to do was to wrap him up in my arms to prevent him from hitting his head or accidentally hurting himself. It was one of my first days with the kid and he started to seize, so I reached for him but he turned suddenly and hit his face against my hand and fell down. It looked like I had just punched the child in the face and knocked him to the ground. Fortunately, the lead teacher saw what happened and the kid was totally fine, but it scared me so badly. I thought I had lost my job for sure and was going to have charges filed or something.
#15 I Give Life And I Taketh Away
I was talking to my coworker a couple of days ago when our boss walked in as I said, "Can you imagine the New Hampshire pregnancy purge?
I imagined The Purge, but only pregnant women doing the crimes.
#16 Should've Licked It Off His Hand To Really Send Her Over The Edge
I ate a piece of chocolate while loading my stuff in the car and put a second, smaller, chocolate in my back pocket, right before I said goodbye to my parents. It was a hot day at the end of summer.
Right before I reached the exit to the highway, I stopped at a traffic light and realized that the chocolate between my butt and my car seat was not a good idea. As I reached for it, my left hand became smeared with melted chocolate.
Following my loud "Well, shoot," I realized that the girl in the car next to me just saw me reaching into my butt and bring my hand up covered in brown stuff.The look on her face was totally worth it. The only bad thing was that the melted chocolate couldn't be wiped away with just tissues.
#17 Student Driver Strikes Again
As a student driver, I was driving with my mom when we hit traffic at an intersection. The reason for the traffic was a broken down truck. As other drivers ahead started to pass the truck, it eventually came to my turn. I did as all the other drivers had done: I safely started to pass the truck by checking to see if the road was clear.
But, during the overtake, I was met by a speeding motorist coming the other way, which forced me to stop on the wrong side of the road. Stuck in this position, the broken down truck suddenly came to life and drove off, leaving me stuck with my learner plates all over my car on the wrong side of the street. While my mom laughed at the situation, an oncoming motorist simply smiled at me
My mom and I still laugh about it today.
#18 Trust Me! She's Just A Brat, Not A Kidnappee
Years ago, I took my then four-year-old daughter to play in a park in Chicago. There were quite a few families there, including an Asian family with five or six kids. My daughter played with them for a while, until they left. My daughter wanted to leave with them but I told her she couldn't. I took her hand and began to lead her away, but she started screaming "No!" and crying hysterically, trying to pull away to get back to her friends.
Here's the thing: My daughter is Asian. I am not. So while the Asian family walked away, and my daughter continued to raise a racket and fight me, and I continued to pull her in the opposite direction. I had to explain to all the large number of approaching fathers what the situation was. They hesitated to believe me until my daughter finally inserted a "Daddy" into her vocabulary.
#19 Just Wanted To Get Some Normal Priced Candy
When my niece was five, I took her to the movies and we snuck in candy and snacks. I played around with her to make her feel like it was some secret operation and we had fun smuggling it into the theater. The employees at the theater had black uniforms, and I told my niece that if she saw the people dressed in black, she must hide the candy or we’d be kicked out. The movie starts and I forget all about it. Then, an employee walks into the theater in the middle of the movie. My niece sees him and yells, “Uncle a black man! Hide your stuff!” I just sank into my chair praying the movie would end soon.
#20 I'm Doing The Opposite Of That!
Before mobile telephones, I was a soldier in Germany, stationed in a university city. I had a German girlfriend. I was away training and had spoken with her on the phone and she said she was going to the disco that night with a friend. As luck had it, I was offered a chance to go back home early. There was no way to contact her (she wasn't at home and that's how it was back then). So, I figured I'd go down to the disco and try to find her.
When I got there, she was dancing with some guy I knew to be a cook in our unit. I watched long enough to see they were just dancing and nothing more, so I decided to just let her be and I walked down to a nearby pub. I had a beer and came back when I knew the disco was closing.Well, as I stood outside waiting, the cook she was dancing with came out with his buddy and they almost immediately managed to get into a fight with a group of Turks who were hanging out in the parking lot. One of them broke a bottle on the cook's head.I broke the fight up and separated the two belligerents. Then I took the cook by the head so I could examine his wounds which were bleeding a lot. About this time, my girlfriend came out of the disco with her friend and saw me holding this guy— blood all over his face and on my hands. She ran up to me screaming that I couldn't just mess somebody up for dancing with her...
#21 Inside Joke Gone Wrong
A friend and I had recently watched the movie, Kids. We were remembering parts and cracking the jokes in the movie, etc.
Cue the scene on the subway where the legless skateboard guy goes through the train saying, "I have no legs, I have no legs!"I thought it was random and weird so I yelled it at my mate a few times and we laughed. He turned around to stop and talk (we were walking down the street) and he went white. There was a little girl in a wheelchair behind us crying and clearly never going to be able to walk again. I literally died.
#22 He's Just Dramatic All The Time, Don't Mind Him
My nephew's fourth birthday party was at a park that I used to go to as a kid. After opening presents, he wanted to go play so he ran off. I was the youngest one there so I was instructed to go watch him. He was halfway to the playset, and so I ran after him to catch up. I grabbed him, picked him up and started tickling him, but he started yelling no, so I put him down. He then ran off and I chased him. Every time he yelled, the parents around me would look.
Later, I am told to bring him over so we could have cake. I catch him and throw him over my shoulder and he starts yelling and squirming. I got so many looks from parents but once they saw me put him at the table where my brother and sister-in-law were, they just ignored me.
#23 Confidence Is Key
On my first or second date with my girlfriend, we were waiting in a line to buy ice cream. A kid confidently put his arm on my shoulder and said: "Dad!"
#24 My Mom Would've Let Me Had Zero Treats
My five-year-old cousin was a little brat. She was with my mom at the grocery store. My mom told her she could pick a treat, and she said she wanted candy and ice cream. My mom said no, she had to pick one.
So my cousin said to the cashier, "She's not my mother!" and the cashier freaks out thinking my cousin had been kidnapped or something. My mom had to explain that she was her aunt. I think they ended up having to call my aunt, as in, my cousin's mom, to explain the situation. This was back in like, '85. My mom's still annoyed.
#25 Now We All Know
I, a male, am in a dive bar in college that had black lights above the bar for whatever reason. I'm buying a girl a drink and when I go to pull my wallet out, I see that the black light has highlighted a significant outline of some liquid around the webbing of my hand between my thumb and index finger. She then informs me that it's all around my mouth too. Apparently, the peroxide in baking soda toothpaste leaves an otherwise invisible trace that comes out under blacklight.
#26 Innocent Trouble
I'm currently on bail for minor drug trafficking charges. Only a few weeks ago, I was doing the grocery deliveries for work and had all of the cash from each customer in separate little baggies on the passenger seat of my car.
There I was, just driving along when I get pulled over by a cop. He looks in the car and sees all the little money baggies. Of course, knowing my history, he believes it to be illegal money. I had a fun time explaining to the boss why I was half an hour late.
#27 Why Don't Kids Pay Attention?
My friend was at a ball game with his sister, brother-in-law and young nephew. The brother was in line for concessions, the sister was back at seats, and the little one needed to use the restroom. They tell my friend no problem, just head in with the kid, he knows the drill. The kid, like many, started to strip down before going to the bathroom and then asked him out loud, while basically half naked: "Where is my family?"
#28 Studying Very Closely...
I forgot my hand-out for a college class. I was standing behind seated students. One of them had her hand out on the table in front, where I could read it. She thought I was looking down her cleavage.
#29 At Least They Never Had To Meet Face-To-Face
I was in dorms for work, at a remote mine. The rooms were set up with one bathroom between every two bedrooms. They kindly tried to put a night shifter together with a day shifter, so your neighbor would be gone while you slept, nice and quiet.
So there's me and my Irritable Bowel Syndrome doing what we do as I get ready for work one evening. Somehow, the toilet got clogged. I had work very soon, and my bathroom-buddy was probably just getting off the bus to come home. Time was of the essence.
I checked everywhere for a plunger. No plunger. I phoned maintenance with maybe ten minutes to get across the compound to my bus... They told me they didn't loan plungers, and that clogs must be dealt with by maintenance staff only. UGH!!! And of course, that person was on break for another half hour.
I ended up needing to leave for work. My efforts to fix the situation had taken up all my time and I didn't even get a minute to leave an apology note.
She thought I left things like that as a prank or something. I came home to a note raging at me for being sick and twisted. She'd been tired from a long shift, so it was very cruel of me to do that, yadda yadda yadda.
I left her another note apologizing for what had happened. Thankfully, the nature of the schedule and dorm layout meant we never actually laid eyes on each other. She never knew my name, face, or even voice. THANK GOODNESS!
#30 But What Roommate Puts Laundry In With Someone Else's Without Telling?
Living with my roommate. I had put the washing in the machine the night before. When I got home from work, I remembered the wash.
I opened up the machine, grabbed an item of clothing, and smelt it to see if it had that awful wet-dry smell. But, as I did it, I saw my roommate staring at me in shock. Apparently, he had thrown some of his stuff in with mine, including his underwear
He moved out shortly after.
#31 The Epitome Of "This Isn't What It Looks Like"
I was driving home with my wife and I had recently changed phones. I hadn't imported all my contacts yet.
One of my friends decided to refer to me as "babe" instead of "bro." This was JUST AS my wife was picking up my phone to play some music. She sees a text come in saying, “Hey babe, when are you free? We need to get together soon, I wanna show you something.”
Anyways, she completely freezes and looks at me with these heartbroken eyes. I know there’s a perfectly logical and reasonable explanation for this, I just don’t know it yet. I had absolutely no clue who it was. Sure enough, she started crying. Then, I’m like, “Okay, let’s call and see.” My friend picked up and everything was made clear.
Later that night, she says, “I can’t believe you made me go through that.” It was an interesting evening.
#32 Equal Opportunity Twinkie Gifter
When I was in community college, we had a party in my Spanish class on Honduran Independence Day. We were each supposed to bring snacks for the class so that we could eat while we watched a film about Honduras. I was running late that day, and of course, I saved the errand of buying snacks until the very last second. I ran into a grocery store and planned to get whatever was on sale. The first thing I saw was boxes of Twinkies. I bought like four boxes and took them to class.
So we're like 15 minutes into this film and I realize that nobody has taken a Twinkie. I hate the things myself, so I really didn't want to take them home. The room was dark and quiet. A student (not from our class) opened the door and walked across the front of the room to give the professor a note. As he was leaving the room, I shouted at him from the back of the class: "Hey! Take a Twinkie!"
It wouldn't have been that bad... but, the young man happened to be quite overweight. He looked at me and gave me the most painful look I've ever seen. The entire class, including the professor, shot daggers at me with their eyes. A few snickered. I 100% did not mean it in any kind of way. It even took me a few seconds to realize why people were looking at me. I was, and still am, absolutely mortified and I feel terrible about it to this day.
#33 Awkward Art
I was in the Art Institute of Chicago, looking in the modern art section. Art history is a big part of my degree so I have quite a few opinions about some of the artists. Turning the corner, we walked into a space filled with work by artist Jeff Koons. Without even thinking, I said loudly, "I hate Koons." Got a lot of really awful stares. Left that section pretty quickly.
#34 Nothing Hard About This Science
I was the only student in a new lab trying to put together an outreach module where we would go to a fifth-grade class and have them build a microscope out of Legos using a 3D-printed Lego lens adapter.
At some point, I'm sitting in a lab building this microscope to see how long it would take for kids. Both my professor and the lab manager (the only other two people working for this lab) went out to buy some stuff from a company that had gone out of business. A sales rep walks in and I'm just sitting at my bench playing with Legos. She asked if the manager or my professor were around because they have some sweet discounts on pipette tips or something like that and I tell her that they're both out and I could help her. At that point, she just looks at me like, "Seriously, your bosses are gone and you decide to sit here and play with Legos instead of work? This is what I have to deal with?" We sit in silence for a minute before she shakes her head and says that she'll just try back later.
I assume my lab now has a reputation at that company as having a grad student that plays with Legos instead of working when nobody is looking.
#35 Toxic Wasteland
An old coworker of mine was a fairly large fella and was known for punishing the porcelain in our sole unisex bathroom.
There was this fine girl that had just started that day, I go in after the large dude and it had the usual horrendous odor. I went in quick, held my breath, took a leak and stepped out.
Upon stepping out, this new girl was outside waiting and I froze.
I stammered and nervously grinned while she stepped into the horrifically infested bathroom with no windows. I could only come to the conclusion that she assumed I was responsible for that toxic dump.
#36 Your Uncle Is The Opposite Of A Stranger, Kid
I was with my dad and cousin at a zoo once and the little brat didn't want to leave the exhibit, so he yelled "Stranger danger!" when my dad picked him up.
#37 I Promise No One's Dead
So I used to get really bad nosebleeds. This year, they were especially bad. I knew that I had to get my nose cauterized, but I was lazy and kept putting it off.
One day, I’m out to breakfast with my wife, and my nose starts gushing blood. It’s one of the worst ones I’ve ever had. I run to the bathroom to try to get it under control but there’s blood everywhere. It’s on my clothes, all over my face, all over the toilet. I sneeze and now it’s all over the walls too. I have to text my wife and tell her to come and help me. Luckily, she’s used to this and isn’t fazed by the Rambo-level war zone I had turned that bathroom stall into. She gets me cleaned up, but not before taking a photo of the blood-splattered crime scene to use as “evidence” for the next time I try arguing that I don’t have a problem.
Flash forward to that afternoon. We’re at the mall with my mom shopping for boots. We go up to the register and my wife opens her camera roll to find the coupon she had taken a screenshot of. She hands her phone to the cashier, a sweet, bubbly girl of about 17. The girl’s eyes widen with terror and all the color drains from her face immediately. She slowly hands the phone back to my wife and whispers the only two words she can muster:
“It swiped.”
#38 But Where Did The Friend Get Them From?
After I got my license, I used to just go out for random drives in the middle of the night to enjoy my freedom because the repetitive grind of adulthood had not yet crushed my enthusiasm for life.
I was cruising through a really nice community around 2 a.m. when suddenly a cop comes out of nowhere and pulls me over. He asks what I'm doing and I tell him I'm just out for a drive. He informs me that there has been a rash of car stereo thefts in the area. Now, earlier that same day, a friend had given me a very nice car stereo, amp, and CD change that I was planning to install, so they were all piled in my backseat, wires hanging all over the place, along with the tools I had borrowed from my dad to do the job. Of course, he spies all of this through the rear window with his flashlight and questions me.I nervously gave him my explanation, and he went back to his cruiser for a bit, then came back and let me off with a smile. I'm assuming that once he pulled up my record and saw I was 16 years old with no previous infractions, he assumed my story was true. Or I was an extremely professional and ambitious car stereo thief. Thankfully it was the former.
#39 I Mean The Kid Isn't Wrong But Still
I was an au pair in Spain. I brought a five-year-old to the park and while we were standing next to another kid and his mom, my kid looked at the woman and said: “She’s not my mom,” pointing at me.
My Spanish wasn’t great so I didn’t know how to explain and just laughed awkwardly. Later I was chasing him around and I would lightly smack his butt when I caught him and he thought it was hilarious.He ran up to this same woman giggling and saying, “Help! She’s trying to touch my butt!”Time to leave the park...
#40 Trying To Turn Your Passion Into A Career
I worked at a Gamestop one Christmas as a seasonal employee. This was when the GameBoy Advanced was current. I had a GBA and some cartridges zipped up in my coat pocket. Leaving on my first day, they informed me they need to do a pocket check to make sure I didn't steal anything. I had to dump out a handful of loose cartridges that actually were mine.
#41 Trying To Do His Job
I used to work security and reception at my company, so I greeted everyone when they came in the door and made sure they were wearing their security badge. You could either wear your badge on a lanyard around your neck or on a retractable belt clip.
One day, I was talking to some of the girls that work on the second floor. One of them just flat out asks why I always check out women when they come in to visit. Excuse me?Turns out, there was a lot of talk about how I was "looking women up and down" when they came through the door. Well, I was looking everyone up and down. I would look at their chest first and if there was no badge there, my eyes would move to their belt. It was kind of my job and stuff.
#42 The Bigger Question
My brother and I got into a fist fight (he was right, I was wrong) and he punched me in the mouth. I was bleeding pretty good and kept spitting blood on him for some reason. He went into the condo and my mom freaked out because he had blood all over him. It went a little like this:
Mom: OMG YOU’RE COVERED IN BLOOD!Brother: Calm down, it isn’t my blood.Mom: OMG WHOSE BLOOD IS IT? WHAT DID YOU DO?!Brother: Mom, it’s fine, it’s just Tyler’s blood.Mom: OMG WHERE IS TYLER?!I walked in shortly after alive and well. The dispute between my brother and I was settled, by the way.
#43 Good Guy Cleans Up To Prevent Even Further Damage
I went to a friend's house for an after-party for a high school play. A buddy of mine needed to go home, so I dropped him off and headed back. As I got out of the car, I noticed it was quiet. I figured they were in the basement doing something and I couldn't hear them. The front door is locked, too. I was just there 15 minutes ago. I head to the back door, which was unlocked. Awesome. Now the entire house was beeping as if someone was breaking in.
I ran into the basement, but nobody was there. Upstairs, nobody there. Kitchen lights were off. The house phone started ringing but I don't answer and I know it's too late. I called my friend, but no answer. I called another friend, still no answer. I cleaned up the evidence of our underage party, checked around the house one more time, then waited for my inevitable demise.My friends then called me back as I was outside freaking out and they start to rush home. Long story short, the cops showed up with two dogs and guns pointed at me. I get slammed to the ground and handcuffed. My friends arrived home and explained the situation just in time before I get hauled off. That was a heck of a night.
#2 "Honey You Can Tell Us!"
It should be noted that Sara and I (a female), are both straight. Sara and I go out to a bar. Turns out the bar was a gay bar, and it was having a Sex and the City movie release party. Cosmos and snacks? Cool.
A little while later, I’m sitting outside on a bed-like couch with Sara while Bob gets us our next round of drinks. The photographer for the event comes by and casually asks to snap our photo, so Sara and I lean together and smile. Snap. They ask for our names, which we assumed was to get prints later or something, so we gave them our names and thought that was that. Back to happy hour and griping about dead-end jobs.Fast forward to Monday morning. We’re back in the office and I see Sara leave.
When she comes back, she slaps the newspaper on my desk, with a smirk on her face. It’s the front page of the culture section, and there’s the photo of me and Sara above the fold with the headline: “The gays come out in celebration of Sex and the City premiere.”The paper definitely “outed” us as a gay couple.Well, my dad’s coworker saw the paper and, since my last name isn’t that common, he showed the pic to my dad and asked if I was his daughter. I would have paid so much money to see his face at that moment.It made for an interesting conversation with my parents later where they assured me they loved and supported me no matter what.
#1 Well You Can't Leave Your Snacks Behind
My new neighbor told me about a house fire in his old neighborhood. It was fall, and he and his family were roasting marshmallows in their fireplace when they heard the firetruck siren. They ran outside and saw the emergency vehicles a few houses down in front of their neighbor's house. They ran down the street toward the crowd. As they stood with the crowd watching the house burn, they were getting nasty looks. It was then that he realized they were still holding the roasting sticks with marshmallows on them.
