In the normal course of things, mind-altering substances are generally considered negative or at best taboo—unless of course, the substance is administered by a doctor. This means that waking up from anesthesia can provide us with a rare opportunity to see the bizarre sides of ordinary people.
The results do not disappoint! Here are 42 of the funniest things that patients have said while under the influence of a medical anesthetic.
1. Karaoke Night
When I woke up from the gas after an operation, I was quickly moved to a different recovery area because I was causing a disturbance—I thought that I was listening to Nicki Minaj when, in fact, I was just loudly butchering one of her songs to an imaginary beat. No one in the rooms around me was at all impressed.
2. The Wicked Witch Is Alive
When I got put under for a colonoscopy, I didn't really fall asleep during the countdown. I just looked at the nurse a bit confused and said "Umm, I don't notice anything." She smiled and squeezed my wrist, then said, "Just give it a moment.” As soon as she said that, I started fading out. According to her, the last thing I mumbled was "Oh that's wild, you magic witch!"
3. The Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship
My favorite incident of all time was a surgery we did on a lady in her 80s. She volunteered at the hospital and was a widow. In the recovery room, I started hooking up her ECG. This involves attaching some cables to stickers on her upper chest. When I reached for them, she tried to just pull her gown down and show me her breasts.
I told her that she didn’t need to do that. She just said, “But this is so exciting! It’s been a while since I’ve been with a man!” The nurse just started laughing her head off, and I got a little red. She then said, “It sure is getting hot in here!” I had to leave after that, as I was way too uncomfortable. But hey, I hope she had some fun.
4. Getting on His Bad Side
When I was getting put out, I heard this cheesy jazz music playing in the operating room. I said, “Of course Dr. R listens to this garbage!” Dr. R immediately appeared next to me, looking none too thrilled. Then I went under. Probably not the best thing to leave your operating doctor with as you nod off before surgery.
5. Braveheart
My 9-year-old son was going under for an MRI that would show whether or not he would need his right leg amputated at the hip. Just as he was slipping under, I heard him mumble, "I'm a brave boy, I'm a brave boy..." Darn, it totally broke me then, and it still breaks me now as I’m typing this. What a wonderful kid!
6. Future Planning
I took care of an 11-year-old boy in the ER a little while back. I gave him ketamine for a fracture reduction. As he was coming around, he started off with your typical stream of consciousness babbling. Then, he seemed to snap awake and say, "This is awesome, I'm gonna do so many drugs when I get older!" His parents were amused. They thought it was funny and cute—but I'm pretty sure I created a monster.
7. Hypothesis Confirmed
Last year, they were knocking me out for a colonoscopy. It was the third time I had been put under in a period of less than a year. As such, I had a curiosity: I had heard that when they knock you out, you are actually still awake for a little while—you just don’t remember it afterwards. So, in the spirit of science, I proposed a test with the anesthesiologist: when she started the medicine, I would begin counting backwards.
When I would wake up, we would compare what I remembered to what she had observed. Plunger down - “99, 98, 97” - I remembered nothing more. Seemingly minutes later, I awoke. The anesthesiologist spotted me and came over quickly. “What did you remember?” she asked. “97.” She began laughing. “You got down to 7!”
8. But Tell Me What You Really Think
I was the patient in this story. When I was coming up from shoulder surgery on a pretty substantial dose of fentanyl, my wife told me that I looked straight at the head nurse and said, “Wow, your breasts are spectacular. I want to see them!” I have no memory of it whatsoever, but apparently the wife was mortified—and the nurse just thought it was hysterical. She also said that it wasn’t particularly unusual to get comments of that sort under these circumstances.
9. Pointing Fingers
I once called my husband from the ER, rambling about how totally amazing it was that we have fingers. "They're so helpful, and they're like, always there! They're like little friends that you get to carry around with you everywhere you go." It didn't take him too long to figure out that they had me as high as a kite, but he was super confused at first!
10. The Only Explanation
I was coming out of an induced coma in the hospital and saw my (divorced) parents standing on either side of me, in a white room with a doctor in a white coat standing at the foot of the bed. The doctor proceeded to ask if I knew where I was. Knowing that my parents really hated each other, the only logical conclusion my drugged up brain could make was: "I'm in a mental hospital!"
11. Famous Last Words
When I was 9 years old and having jaw surgery, the surgeon was putting me under and said, “Say goodbye to your mommy!” Apparently, 9-year-old me interpreted that to mean that they were going to kill me. My mother says I gave her a look of absolute terror before I totally passed out, and that it really disturbed her. Good times had by all.
12. The Tooth Fairy From Hades
I got my wisdom teeth out and woke up halfway through, so they dosed me a second time. When I finally woke up post-op, I angrily demanded my teeth back and then trashed the office because I thought they were wizards who were going to use my teeth for dark rituals or something. Then I puked. Mom told me after. Good times.
13. How I Met Your Mother
After a procedure, the nurse brought me out to the car with my parents and helped me get in. On the way home, I asked why the nurse had been so friendly. My parents explained that, while under the influence of the gas, I had apparently confessed my love of short haired brunettes to her, and suggested that she should be my wife because "she would be perfect!"
14. Trust But Verify
I broke my hand tumbling once and had to get surgery. The doctor goes to put the mask on my face and says, "Don’t worry, this is just oxygen." I cough as the mask goes on. It was the anesthetic. He pulls the mask away and I say, "I trusted you, you lying jerk!" That's the last thing I remember. I hope he felt bad about lying!
15. A Breathtaking Case
I’m a nurse anesthetist. When I was in school, I was getting ready to get a lady off to sleep and going through my regular spiel. I had the mask on her face and I said "Nice, big breaths" as I pushed propofol. Right before she went out, she said, "Thanks, I just had them done!" I looked at my preceptor, we looked at the circulator, and we all burst out laughing.
I now say "Slow, deep breaths" instead. I love telling that story though, that lady made all our days.
16. Unsolicited Concert
I started to sing “You Are My Sunshine” at the top of my lungs while being wheeled into the recovery room after my knee surgery. My dad could hear me clear across the other end of the hallway, even through the snickers and giggles of the nurses. The surgeon still calls me “Sunshine” whenever we see each other around town.
17. Hope You Guessed My Name
Patient: "Am I in hell?"
Me: "No, you're not. You're just in recovery."
Patient: "That sounds like something the devil would say. Count backwards from 100 to prove it."
18. Apples to Oranges
My wife is an anesthesiologist. The best line she’s ever heard from a patient is “Wow, this is even better than meth!”
19. Taken for a Ride
"I feel like I just got hit by a train or something!" The patient actually had just gotten hit by a train...
20. Magic Carpet Ride
A patient coming out of anesthesia once began stroking my unshaved arm while I was trying to keep him from pulling at his IV. He muttered, "You'd make such a great carpet!"
21. Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
When I went in for my gallbladder surgery, the nurse was an old coworker of mine. As I was going under, I apparently blurted out on the table, “I always knew you’d see me naked.”
22. One Small Request
When I awoke from having my wisdom teeth removed, I asked the nurse to take me to the beach and release me back into the ocean so I could be with my people. She refused.
23. Holy Moly!
I had a lump removed a few years ago. The table they had me on was shaped like a T, so my arms were outstretched. As I was passing out, I said to the nurses, " I feel like Jesus." They had to tell me about it when I awoke.
24. Can’t Argue With That!
When I was put under for Achilles’ tendon surgery when I was 16, the anesthesiologist asked if I knew how long he had to go to med school for him to be able to do this. I responded with “All day!”
25. Too Much Information
My dad is a surgeon. The funniest thing he’s heard someone say in that situation was “Hey, Mr. Doctor? My butt itches but I’m too high to scratch it!”
26. Seeing the Humor in the Situation
I once had a patient start telling me a joke before surgery, and then finish it the moment they woke up, without prompting.
27. Hold Your Questions Till the End
When I'm going under, I get stupid philosophical. Last time, I asked the surgical team "What if motorcars didn't have motors and were just cars?" and "Why is the moon?" before I passed out.
28. Mixed Messages
While having dental work done under the influence of laughing gas, I (female, mid-teens at the time) tried very hard to flirt with the (also female, grown-up and married) dentist. I was not in any way subtle. She was not in any way amused. Awkward!
29. Breaking up Is Hard to Do
I once went under for a nasal canal surgery. Apparently, after the surgery I was holding the nurse’s hand and repeating, “I love you, please don’t leave me!” over and over again.
30. A Fair Question
After getting my wisdom teeth removed, I looked up at my mother-in-law and said, "How did you get on my rocketship?"
31. Not Picky
A 90-year-old woman was in the midst of talking to the nurses about men as she was being put under. "Big or small, I love them all!" was the last thing she managed to say before the surgery began.
32. Unwise Without Your Wisdom Teeth
When my wisdom teeth were being removed, I woke up, started sobbing, and told my mother that I hated the Post Office, Smurfs, and the nurse who had just walked in to check on me.
33. First Comes Surgery, Then Comes Marriage
The best comment I’ve ever heard under these circumstances was from a 55-year-old woman, who said, “I want to have your babies!” to my medical student.
34. Flattery Will Get You Everywhere
When I woke up from the gas one time, I got flirty. I turned to the nearest nurse and said, "Are you a donut? Cause you're all curves and sugar!"
35. Jaws Surgery?
I used to be a medical technician. I once had a patient wake up violently from an anesthetic. When he came to, he said, "Oh sorry, I thought you were a shark!"
36. She Created a Monster!
While having a breast reduction, I woke up, turned to the nurse, and told her very seriously that "I look like Frankenstein now!"
37. An Important Announcement
I was once under sedation with Propofol. When I came to, I just shouted at the room, "I can see why Michael Jackson did this every night!" before passing out again to the sound of every nurse laughing.
38. Blade Runner
This story is slightly different from the others, but still definitely deserves a mention. As a 13-year-old tonsillectomy patient, the 1-ounce cocktail I had drank prior to anesthesiology didn't quite knock me out. A few surgical residents wheeled me into the theater before the surgeon/anesthesiologist arrived. One said to the other, "His eyes just opened, what do we do?" Another chimed in, "...Talk to him."
The third, not sure what to say, opened the kit and said, "Here's the blade we'll be making the incision with!"
39. Patients Have Layers
My boyfriend, as he was being wheeled into recovery, yelled to me: "Honey! You can call me Shrek from now on!" He has no idea why he wanted me to call him Shrek. I had to have a surgery of my own a few months later. When I woke up, I called my boyfriend on the hospital phone and told him that he could call me Fiona from now on.
40. Precious Memories
This is kind of a reverse story. I was going under to get my appendix removed. They began doing the countdown as they injected a hefty dose of propofol and fentanyl to put me out. I count down to 1 and then ask, “Now what?” The surgeon looks at me and says "You're still awake?? Oh man! By the way, you are really fat! Did you know that?"
I said, "You're just saying that because you think I won't remember." He said "Exactly." That's the last thing I remember.
41. Time Flies When You’re Having Fun
I had to go under for ear surgery once. I thought it’d be funny if I asked, “Does anyone need anything while I’m out?” right before nodding off. I remember it kicking in way quicker than I had expected, so I decided to take my chances right away while I still had the opportunity. I yelled it out, but got a VERY confused look from everyone standing around me.
It took a minute or two for me to realize that I had just accidentally yelled it out while I was waking up from the surgery. Oops!
42. Party of One
I once had a 17-year-old who had just gotten her appendix out. She seemed really stoic and introverted when I first interviewed her—but when I was dropping her in the recovery room after her anesthesia, she went into total bro mode. She keep saying everything was “lit.” She also started saying “Let’s party, bro!” and responding to every question with a “Heck yeah, dude!”
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