8. Earth-Shattering
I was at a local department store when I was a kid. My mom was doing some shopping and it was around my birthday, so she told me to go look at the video games and try to pick one out and let her know the name and how much it was. So, 8-year-old me goes over to the electronics department and I start looking at the different titles, when a few minutes later I feel a rumbling in my gut. I have to toot.
Well, the store was always understaffed, and I didn't see anyone when I came into the department, so I let it rip. 8-year-old me somehow held an earth-shattering toot in my bowels. This thing was loud. And, of course I'm an immature 8-year-old, I can't help but laugh. I check the price of the game I had been looking at and turn around to go find my mom...when I see the electronics guy crouched down putting stuff on the shelf the next aisle over, looking at me like I was the anti-Christ.
9. Trippy Leaves
I was walking to class one day in the spring and I noticed the leaves reflecting on a windshield of a car about a block away. As I walked, the reflection kind of stretched near the top of the windshield and the leaves were making a cool, warping pattern. The same thing happened with the sky and clouds between trees, so I just kept staring right at this windshield for about a block and moving towards it. I got about four feet in front of the car and I hear someone inside lock the doors like five times.
10. The Piano Bar
A couple of years ago I was at a popular piano bar with my friend for her birthday. We were sitting in the very front by the pianos and there were about 200 people in the bar at the time. I went to the restroom and when I came back, the piano players called me over. I danced with them and my backside was facing the audience. When I sat down these two random women come over to me. They said the worst thing possible: "Your dress is tucked into your underpants."
I had been dancing with my bum hanging out the whole time.
11. Mini-Slip
The first time my girlfriend and I went out on a date, we went mini-golfing. Wanting to be the awesome cool new boyfriend and assert my dominance, I jumped across a river and made it. On my attempt to jump back, the rock I was stepping on slipped and I fell sideways into the river. My white shorts were dyed blue along with my shirt and half of my body. I ran through the mini-golf course, jumped over the fence to the parking lot, and waited in my car until my girlfriend could stop laughing enough to get in the car.
12. Indecent Exposure
I was wearing a long dress on an escalator at an airport and it got stuck in the stairs. The gears were pulling in my dress and I was fighting like heck to pull it back out. The escalator was eating my dress and my underpants were rapidly being exposed. I am looking around and start seeing people looking at me in horror. But it got even worse.
When I finally got the dress out, I hobbled to my gate I realized that the waiting area that witnessed my incident was the seating area for my flight. Everyone I'd be spending the next nine hours with saw it happen.
13. The Affair
When I was 14 and almost always thought with my junk, I decided it would be great to pleasure myself with protection on. I liked how it felt and did it all the time for about a week. They also happened to be my dad’s condoms, so, long story short—my mom realizes that so many are missing and thinks my father is having an affair.
She comes crying to me about it and my initial reaction is to deny any speculation that I used them. After realizing that this may end my parent’s marriage, I ran upstairs and with tears coming from my eyes I explained to my mom that I used them, not for intercourse, but for self-pleasure. I cried for an hour.
14. Press Play
The first time I met my ex-girlfriend's parents and family, it was Thanksgiving, and the PS2 had just come out. I went over; we were having dinner and her whole family was there celebrating. Her dad and I start talking. He says he is a big gamer and would love to try it, so I go and get it from my house (I just lived a few miles down the road) along with my VCR because their TV was old and it was the only way the PS2 would work.
So, he starts playing M2K or something. Then about an hour into the session, my ex's little sister is sitting next to the VCR I brought, and accidentally hits play with her foot. This causes the VCR to play a tape, beginning my waking nightmare: the tape happened to be an adult film I left in. Up pops a nude girl on screen—right in front of my ex’s grandmother, little children of the family, mom, everyone. Her dad just says, "God darn satellite!" and tries turning it off with the remote.
I wait a second, probably a little too long, (I could not move from shock) and shamefully get up and walk over to the VCR to turn it off. Her dad says, "Wait was that yours?” Embarrassed as heck, I say, "yep." Everyone laughed and she was so angry, but I ended up being with her for three years so it must have not bothered her dad too bad.
15. Hobo Pants
This wasn't me, but one time my friend, who's an actor, was onstage for the final performance of a show he was in. His pants were about six sizes too big, and they didn't want him to wear a belt so they had bobby-pinned his pants. That last night, the bobby pins had apparently mostly fallen off, and his pants fell down. No big problem, he was playing a hobo, so he could have just picked them up and held them for the rest of his time onstage... too bad they took his boxers with them. He was naked from the waist down. His parents and his girlfriend were watching.
16. Wanna Know How I Got These Scars?
I used to wear glasses, hearing aids, braces, and had severe cystic acne. My doctor put me on Accutane (for the acne) and it made my face insanely dry. One day a few weeks after starting the medication, my friend made me laugh hard in class—it cracked the skin on my cheeks and my face bled in the shape of my smile like Heath Ledger's joker scar. I was an abomination.
17. The Long Hug
I had a crush on a girl back in 10th grade. We flirted with each other and she told me via MSN that she would like a hug when she came back to school (she was sick for like two weeks straight). So, when the day came, I hugged her. It was super awkward. I hugged her for like a minute straight, and she calmly asked if I would let go of her. That minute felt like an eternity and felt embarrassing as heck.
After 11 years it still makes me cringe when I think about it.
18. Whipped Cream
I used to wait tables. During a busy Sunday post-church lunch rush, I had to make a sundae for a table in the very back corner of the restaurant. I get to the table and the entire party starts laughing. I'm standing there holding the sundae, super confused. I look down and realize that I had somehow managed to get a large amount of whipped cream directly over my crotch while preparing the sundae. It was nowhere else on me. Just my crotch.
All I could do was put the sundae down, say, "Oh my gosh!" and speed walk back through the entire restaurant to clean myself up.
19. A Morning Swim
I was staying at a nice hotel while traveling for work. They had a great pool. I went in there one morning and I was the only one there. I started messing about, recreating the opening scene of Jaws where the girl realizes that her leg has been bitten off, then lots of splashing like the shark had come back for the second go. Then I tried a bit of synchro, kicking my legs up in various shapes.
Then I did a bit of goalkeeper practice by throwing my goggles and diving to catch them. Then I saw a window overlooking the pool and a family of six people eating breakfast and watching me. I'm a 51-year-old man.
20. Bathroom Affirmations
I was doing this self-help wacky hypnosis thing to lose weight, and part of it involved reciting affirmations to yourself (I am strong. I can be thin, etc.). I was in the men's room at my office, which had separate areas for the sinks and stalls/urinals, in front of the mirror doing my thing for several minutes, when suddenly there was a flush and my coworker walked out looking kind of sheepish. We never spoke of it.
21. Scout Camp
When I was in eighth grade, I went to a scout camp with a few of my friends. One of the nights, we were in the cabin and everyone was asleep, except me. I couldn't fall asleep, so I was quietly awake when I started to hear this strange sound. It sounded like someone was pleasuring themselves. I looked over to where the sound was coming from, and one of my friends was sitting there doing the deed.
I was like, "DUDE, WHAT THE HECK" and all he could say was, "I thought you were asleep." I was more embarrassed than he was!
22. The Wedgie
I was at an IHOP with some friends and had received a serious wedgie upon sliding into my booth. The longer I sat there, the worse it got, so by the time we finished eating I was ready to fix the problem. I stepped out the front door and around the sidewall of the little entryway to pick it, and since no one was driving through the parking lot I figured I was safe but didn't want anyone sneaking up so I kept my back to the wall. Big. Mistake.
I was digging, hand down the back of my pants, yanking out the offending cloth when one of my friends walked around the corner and immediately started laughing at me and pointing. It took me a second to figure out she wasn't laughing at me, but the poor family having breakfast behind the plate glass window that was looking at me in horror. In fact, the whole front of the restaurant is like a giant window...
24. The Men’s Bush
I studied abroad in Germany. Now a nice thing about Germany is that you can drink outside, and nobody cares. So, when I first arrived all fresh-faced and stupid, and my German friends invited me to go drinking at a festival on the river, well, I went. So, as things often go, when you've been drinking for a while, you need to pee. And I am no exception to the rule.
Yet somehow, and this is really beyond me, there was no provision for this basic human need at this big festival. So I decided I'd just go in a bush or something. Granted, I was wearing pretty tight jeans, and when you're a girl, that means that peeing outside is sort of challenging, but hey, I had to go. So, I go behind my bush, ducking from the well-lit street fair to the pitch blackness of the park.
I perform what is just a spectacular acrobatic maneuver, pants around ankles, bracing myself on two different trees to avoid peeing on my pants. I heave this big enormous sigh of satisfaction as I begin struggling my way back into said pants. My night vision slowly creeps back and I see a terrible sight. I am not alone. There are at least twenty people peeing here and what is worse, this seems to be the men's bush. Exclusively. Twenty men, dongs in hand, just a-staring.
25. Establishing Authority
When I used to deliver the paper in the mornings there was a dog who would always growl at me and it scared me every single morning. I then came to the conclusion that I needed to establish authority. So, one morning I saw the dog and as soon as it started growling, I snapped my fingers and said something like, "You better shut the heck up before I smack you with this newspaper."
I hadn't seen the owner sitting on the porch sipping her coffee. She looked at me shocked, I had always been a sweet 13-year-old boy when I went over to do my collections every week.
26. A Blissful Flight
I will never forget this... ever. I was on a long flight a couple of years ago. I ended up falling asleep for something like six hours. Upon waking up, I decided to just keep lying down with my eyes closed and relaxing. However, due to my extremely dreamy state, I believed I had just woken up alone, in my room as usual. And what do I do when I wake up alone? I pass gas. A lot.
I started to just let them rip, one after the other. And not quiet ones... these were loud and deadly. After a few minutes of nonstop action, I open my eyes. The old lady next to me is freaking staring at me, along with half of the other passengers on the plane. The whole place smells foul. I was so ridiculously embarrassed that I just closed my eyes and pretended to sleep for the rest of the flight.
27. The Cheesecake
When my husband and I were newly married, we lived in my sister's basement. We had our own fridge in the basement but no kitchen. We had this red velvet cheesecake in the fridge and I really wanted some, but I didn't feel like going upstairs to get a plate and fork. So, I waited until my husband was in the shower, went to the fridge, picked up the cheesecake by the cardboard bottom and sank my teeth into it.
It was so good it took me a full three bites before I realized my husband was standing there just watching me. He had come to grab a towel and saw the whole thing. I was mortified. He was disgusted but entertained. He now tells that story every time we meet new people.
28. David Schwimmer
Long ago, I lived in a big house with several people. Everyone was in their rooms and I was alone in the living room. I am flicking through the TV and I land on an episode of Friends. Joey and Monica are talking and then Ross walks in. For some unexplainable reason I just glared at the TV with a venomous look and with a growling sort of whisper I said, "SCHWIMMER."
At some point, my boyfriend had come out of his room and was behind me and just busted out laughing at me. I was so embarrassed because I had no explanation for it. I have nothing against David Schwimmer, and I have no idea why I said that, but to this day when I think of Friends, I think about that story.
28. The Elevator
I was working on a project at work one day and ended up staying really late. I ordered some Indian food and whatnot so I could get out as soon as possible. Normally my building clears out around 5:30-6:00 pm, and I was there till about 10 pm on this one particular evening. On my way out, I jumped into the 14th-floor elevator (slowest elevator in the world) and it started to descend. Thinking I was the only one who could possibly be in this building at this time, and I ripped a big nasty Indian food toot.
Just as I finished, the elevator stopped and three models from the modeling agency on the 13th floor got in. I started to panic since the smell had not risen to nose level yet and almost just got off on their floor, but they were obviously the last ones out of their office, so that was just kind of awkward. As the door shuts and we start to descend, I'm staring down at my phone and just waiting for the inevitable.
The girls were giggling and talking about what they were going to do for the weekend and then all of a sudden, silence. At this point, I was wildly laughing in my head, and wanting to curl up and hide all at the same time. I was staring down at my phone hunching, hoping that they wouldn't be able to see my face, while we made the trip down the next 12 floors which seemed like hours.
29. Theatre Theatrics
I used to work at a movie theater. It had been slow all night and the lobby was now empty. As I closed up, I had my back turned to the lobby and while I was wiping down the popper, I started singing poker face by Lady Gaga. Except it was Cartman's version, so just as I finished the song in my best Cartman voice, I heard the distinct sound of a bucket hitting the counter. I turned around to find a customer doing his best to stifle a laugh. I have no idea how long he had been standing there.
Another time, I was cleaning during a screening of Beverly Hills Chihuahua and during the credits they played this song that kept repeating "Chihuahua!" I sang along and anytime it said "Chihuahua!" I shook my butt. Then I realized the manager had come in to help me clean the theater. I was incredibly embarrassed, but I caught him going down the stairs whoop whooping like Zoidberg one time so I suppose we're even.
30. The Paraphernalia
When I was about 15, I printed out some adult stories I found online and proceeded to hide them under my brother’s old bed as he had moved out. I thought they would never get found and if they were, my parents would think they were his. Unfortunately, I was wrong. My mum decided to clear out his old room and she found them.
The one thing I had forgotten was they had the date I had printed them out on them, and it was after my brother had moved out. My mum flipped out at me and to make matters worse they were bondage stories. I was mortified and couldn't look at my mum for weeks, and my stepdad tried to comfort me telling me it was ok and it happens to lots of people. Oh yeah, also I'm a girl.
31. Free Show
High school. Wanted to have some fun after Winter Ball. Drove my date to a secluded area to have some fun in the car. After a few minutes, I see something outside the window moving. Windows were kind of steamy, can't see much, so I ignore it. After a few more minutes, I couldn't ignore it any longer so I got closer for a better look. It was a freaking bum with his pants around his ankles and his junk in his hand. I scream, my date screams, and we had to get out of there as fast as we could. Fun was now over.
32. The Singers
Yesterday I was about to walk around the corner of my apartment building to go through the alley to the parking lot. No one was around and for some reason, Paula Cole's "I Don't Want to Wait" popped into my head. I'm a pretty good singer and I'm good at funny voices, so I belted out, "I DONT WANNA WAIT!!" in this goofy tone as I turned the corner. The moment I've completed my turn of the corner I'm face to face with some dude who simultaneously turned the same corner in the opposite direction.
Now, I know he heard me. We're face to face, about eight inches of tense, awkward air separating us as we stare at each other right in the eyes, his dumbfounded bemusement counterbalancing my quickly escalating panic attack. I didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to do. We held this pose for about five seconds and then, never looking away for an instant, I sang in a decrescendo, "For our lives to be over." I don't know why I did that, but it had no effect on this guy.
So, I just walked around him and shuffled down the alley, already trying to suppress the memory of the awkward moment. I looked overt shoulder, and saw he hadn't moved, but was looking at me as well. I still don't know if this was in my head or not, but I swear as I walked away, I heard the faintest singing voice, "I want to know right now what will it be?"
When I looked back, he was gone. I haven't seen him since.
33. Just Like the Old Movies
I was walking down this street by my house when I caught a really great smell. I looked around and pinpointed where the aroma was coming from. About two houses down, this lady was setting a pie out on her windowsill. I had to have it. I thought, I’ve seen this go down in old-time movies, the lady leaves the pie out, they cut to a guy walking down the street, I snatch the pie and make a run for it.
I walked right up and grabbed it, then realized I'd made a huge mistake. This thing was red hot. I panicked and dropped it down at my feet. I didn’t know what to do, so I took off my shirt and used it as a potholder and picked it up. My plan was going all wrong and I wanted a quick getaway. Instead, here I was still standing at this lady’s window, shirtless. “Hey!” I heard her scream at me, “What are you doing? Give me that pie!”
And so, I freaked out and ran like three blocks, still no shirt on, holding this pie in my hands. I had no idea where to go, but eventually ended up in a random park. I'm thinking about my life choices when I hear, “That’s him officer! And that’s my pie!”
I didn’t know what to do. I panicked. I went to pick up the pie to hand it back to her, but I forgot how hot the pie was, so when I picked it up, I screamed, “Yow!” and I threw the pie to the ground, destroying it. I looked back up at the lady, I couldn’t think of anything to say, and I just ran away.
34. Tyrannosaurus Roar
A few years back, I was trying to get with this girl. She was way out of my league, 9/10, but she was a friend's sister and was pretty into me. So, I invited her, her sister, and a few of her friends over for a party. Things were going great until a dude and his girlfriend wound up passing out in my bed. I was bummed to say the least, but the girl snuck into my room and stole my comforter and pillows from them and was like, "Let's just sleep on the floor in the living room." SCORE! Things were awesome as everyone else filtered into the other bedrooms or went home. We made out all night, but that was about it. We eventually passed out spooning.
The next morning, I heard her leave, and almost immediately after the door shut, I let out one of the single biggest toots I have ever let fly in my 27 years of existence. I'm talking about one of those ones that leaps out of your butt with a tyrannosaurus roar. If you would've had a slow-motion camera pointed at my butt you could've seen the shockwave.
Little did I know that the object of my affection was still lying next to me and wide awake. She hadn't left. It was her sister, whose voice was almost identical. My date awkwardly left, and then later that day, her sister called me to ask if I had pooped myself. I was mortified. And, needless to say, things didn't go too well between us after that morning.
35. Gone for Six
When I was 16, my mates and I were playing cricket. I was waiting for my turn to bowl when my mate hit a ball harder than I'd ever seen. The hard cricket ball was heading for me at an incredible speed and all I could think of to evade the ball was to do a weird kind of star jump. Unfortunately, this technique failed dismally and instead of missing the ball, I had perfectly positioned my genitals directly in front of the ball's trajectory.
The ball cannoned into my love spuds at an incredible rate. The first sensation was an intense stinging feeling, like a hornet had stung my knob. This quickly gave way to the most intense nausea I have ever experienced. I projectile vomited everywhere, all the while screaming. While this was going on, I remember my friend saying in a panicked voice, "WHAT HAVE I DONE, he's never going to be able to have kids!"
At some point one of my mates called an ambulance and it arrived fairly soon after. To add to an already fairly humiliating situation, there was a very pretty 18-year-old girl who was riding around with the ambulance for work experience. I have a clear memory of her shrivelling up her face as the EMT examined my swollen member. But then it got even worse.
I went to the hospital, where, after examining me, a female doctor instructed me to pleasure myself as soon as possible and to inform my parents if there were any difficulties or "unusual discharge." Mortifying.
36. Heavy Flow
I was in sixth grade with a super heavy irregular period. One day, I was sitting in the front of the classroom, just doing my thing, when a friend of mine came up and whispered to me that I had bled through. That was putting it lightly. My entire bum was drenched in blood. It looked like my nether-regions had murdered something and was vomiting up the remains. I have no idea how I didn't notice it.
I tied my sweater around my waist, walked to the nurse's office, got a non-blood-soaked pair of pants. And then I had to walk back to a class, in a pair of pants that were not my own, and clean the puddle of blood off of my chair. All in front of a classroom of my sixth-grade peers, most of whom probably didn't know what a period was. Thank god I moved less than a year later.
37. An Adventure in Target
I was in Target at closing time. I was around the food section browsing their fruit snacks—Gushers, Fruit Rollups, etc. It was the back corner of the store so it was relatively isolated and uninhabited. I feel a gurgle in my large intestine and an all-too-familiar pressure on my sphincter. Seeing as I had gorged myself with Taco Bell earlier, I wasn't surprised. So I snuck away and prepared to pass gas privately.
Nope. The sound was unearthly, like a wet sheet being torn in half. It was a toot that lasted almost five full seconds. It was so loud and so satisfying that I felt truly out of breath. The smell was from that of Hades' depths, of rotting corpses with a hint of eggs and broccoli. As I left the aisle, I see a little old Chinese lady with a basket full of groceries. She was still, bundled up in a big parka jacket and snow boots, with one gloved hand up to her face, plugging her nose. Her eyes squinted at me with such disdain that even serial offenders would feel remorse. I awkwardly said "hi" and ran out.
38. Jimi Rocks
When I was 14, my parents went out for the night and left me at home. I was really into Jimi Hendrix at the time, so I decided to order a cheese pizza and listen to my tunes while I waited for the delivery guy. Before I knew it, I found myself with my Guitar Hero guitar around my neck and a tie-dyed bandana on my forehead like Jimi at Woodstock.
At some point after the solo in that song, I managed to open my eyes and I had the life scared out of me by some really tall guy with long metalhead hair and a giant beer gut in my bedroom rocking out with his eyes closed. I actually screamed like a girl when I saw him. I then noticed the pizza box that he had set down on top of my dresser and managed to stop screaming. He said that he kept ringing the doorbell but I never came down to open the door so he let himself in.
He figured that I was rocking out because I had my music so loud so he came upstairs to give me my pizza but didn't want to interrupt my jamming so he put the pizza down for a minute and started jamming along with me. The guy started rocking out with me when he saw that I was in the zone and said that he didn't mean to scare me. We both laughed about it and I paid for my pizza before walking downstairs with the guy. Before he walked out the door he said "Jimi freaking rocks, doesn't he?" I could only say, "Yeah, Jimi rocks."
39. The Snot Tent
Seventh grade Spanish test. It's all quiet in the room. I'm a long-haired, greasy, socially awkward geek. I feel a sneeze coming on but decide to hold it back so as to not draw attention to myself. I try, but cannot contain the sneeze inside. It takes the path of least resistance out of my body—my completely stuffed-up nose. The sound is incredible.
The snot tent is amazing. A fully formed spider web of snot between my desk and my face. The classroom turns to look at me and sit in stunned silence. After about 10 seconds, the girl in front of me (the hottest seventh-grader in school) says loudly, "That's gross!" Everyone laughs. I try to disappear.
40. A Nice Dinner Photo
I got my wife an early birthday gift; a smartphone, the first one ever for her. But when her actual birthday rolls around, since I'd already given her her big gift, I decide to give her another kind of treat. I sensualized myself up. Oil all over me, a tie and some shirt cuffs, no other clothing (I was going for a Chippendales dancer look). I call her back, and she is rolling in this—just loves it. Takes a picture with her new phone.
The plot thickens; we go fishing, catch a few, head home, and filet and cook the fish. It truly looks like a gourmet meal. Wife takes a picture of the fish with the phone, but before she goes to bed, she uploads it to show off our nice day together. Except she accidentally uploads my Chippendales photo, thinking it was the prepared fish filets. She titles it, "Dinner Yum!!!"
We deleted it on the computer, but not before it got two comments..from her mom and sister.
41. No Joking Matter
This one has haunted me for years...It was the first week of tenth grade, and I was new at my high school. My other new kid friends and I sat down at a table in the cafeteria, and another new girl sat down with us. She was in a wheelchair. So, I expected her to be really timid and introverted, but she was actually sarcastic and funny, introducing herself and making jokes about being in a wheelchair.
Her: "I'm trying out for field hockey!" Me: "Wait, really?" Her: "Hahaha no you idiot, I'm in a wheelchair." Eventually one of my friends boldly asks her about how she ended up in a wheelchair. She says it was cancer. My friend asks which kind. She responds, "Leukemia, have you heard of it?" Now, bear in mind, she was funny. She really was. And come on, who hasn't heard of leukemia? So, my gut reaction to her response was that it must be a joke. I mean, everyone's heard of leukemia!
It was too late. I burst out laughing. I immediately realized what had happened and tried to cover it up by gasping. It only made it worse. Everyone at the table glared at me. I spent the rest of lunch in absolute silence, and I never spoke to her again.
42. The Green Goblin
In first grade my entire school had to go to some assembly where the actors sang and danced to try to get the students to learn "the fun way." Now, what makes this interesting was that I was watching some Spiderman cartoons the night before. During the assembly, one of the actresses asks the audience, "Who sailed the ocean blue in 1492?" She calls on me and I blurted out the first name I thought of: "Norman Virgil Osbourne!" ...AKA the Green Goblin. I said this quite confidently, by the way.
The whole auditorium became deathly silent at this point. The actress had this look of pity on her face for a good five seconds before she said, "No, that’s not... right." I'm in college now, and although I think absolutely NO ONE remembers it, I will forever.
43. Dragged Along
I was 13, and my family and I were on a skiing holiday. My parents had decided to sign me up for lessons, so that my dad could get some good skiing in and my mum and sister could relax and drink hot chocolate. I had been throwing myself down mountain slopes with about as much grace as a brick, and I was exhausted. We had time for one more run, so we all waddled over to the T bar machine.
Somehow, my jacket got caught on the bar, which knocked me to the ground. Somehow, this is not the embarrassing part... It then dragged me along the snow toward some rough ice that managed to pull down my ski pants, thermals and underwear, exposing my bare bum to an entire slope of people. When I finally got help, I cried the entire way down.
The real kicker was getting back, telling my family this story (while still sobbing through wounded butt and wounded pride) and having my dad and sister howl with laughter while my mum desperately tried to comfort me.
44. Career Ender
When I was 13, a doctor wrote me an adult dose for a certain medicine based on my weight. I was a fat kid, but it was the wrong dose and the medicine ended up constipating me... for a month. I did not poop for a whole month. I got sick. I had raccoon-like eyes, my stomach would jump or flutter by itself, I had cramps, etc. It was bad. I was miserable.
I finally told my parents how long it had been since I had gone number two and they freaked out and took me to the hospital. There, they gave me three enemas back to back. After the third one, the water softened all that hard poop just enough that I could expel it. I ran to the nearest bathroom, gown open in the back, and tried to make it to the toilet. I didn't.
My butt was hovering at a 45-degree angle above the toilet when the geyser burst. This next part is not a lie, but I know some of you will think it is. I got poo everywhere. On the ceiling (somehow), on the floor, the toilet was covered, the walls, even the sink got hit with some spray. Poo was literally, yes literally, sprayed on all walls and the ceiling. It was everywhere.
I felt like a new kid after that. Cleaned myself up the best I could, and then had to figure out what to do. There was no way I could clean it all up, I needed a janitor. So, I walked out and politely told a nurse the bathroom needed a clean-up badly.
A janitor was only a few rooms down for some reason, so I saw him go by to clean it, but he did not know who I was. He got to the bathroom and the whole ER heard, "Oh heck no, I am not cleaning this up. I quit" and he did. I felt so bad, still do. I made some poor janitor quit his job over a poo-caked bathroom.
45. Improv Cussing
It was a Friday and I didn't have school. I was sleeping in and my dad works at home. I hear him come out of the office and he begins to profusely scream, swearing at the top of his lungs while alternating between profanities. I was very concerned but decided it was better if I stayed in my room. I heard him walk back into his home office and continue to swear by his computer. There was a pause for about 10 seconds and then he began to swear in a New York accent. Then he switches to a Jamaican accent.
Amid this weird soundtrack, I fell back asleep, woke up at 10 am and headed to the kitchen. When my dad realized I was home, his reaction was priceless. He was HORRIFIED.
46. The Audition
I was a big theater geek in high school. So when my mother found an audition for a Renaissance fair, she insisted that I audition. Flash forward... she tells me auditions are in costume so she bought me a really cheap, bad costume from a random website. The audition was at a really waspy country club. So, I show up in my awful costume and I immediately want to die.
I enter the country club and I have no idea where the audition is. There’s a ton of people in there and they are staring at me and laughing like I’m a joke. I am literally almost in tears. Finally, I ask a worker/server because I have no freaking idea where the auditions are. He gives me directions that make no sense, so I wander this place for what feels like forever until I find the room.
I enter, and the panel looks at me, repressing their laughter. I want to die at this point. They say I am “definitely looking the part/prepared for the audition.”
47. Loud Laundry
While I was in grad school, I lived in a basement apartment of a pretty big building. Right next door to me was the laundry room. Normally it wasn't a problem, but this one washer decided it was going to be particularly loud. I was studying for finals and trying to concentrate, so all the noise was just a nightmare and I couldn't get anything done.
In a moment of exasperation, I ran out into the hallway in my boxers and a t-shirt and into the laundry room. I lunged at the offending machine, shook it violently and screamed at it, "Shut up you darn washer, don't you know I have finals this week?!" I talked at it like a psychotic person, "I control whether you live or die. Can't get anything done. Don't make me hurt you."
And then I turned around. There was this beautiful woman who lived in my apartment building standing there, staring at me, petrified. She just held her detergent and roll of quarters quietly, eyes bulging. She nodded politely when I stammered about how, "I'm studying for finals... uh, it was being loud." About a week later I walked by that woman and her friend and I heard her whisper, "Oh my god, it's that guy. The guy from the laundry room I told you about."
48. The Submariner
When I was in the Navy, about halfway through my six-hour watch I had to poo, but I didn't want to wake someone up to stand my watch while I went. So, I held it in like a boss, for three hours, until my relief came. By that time, I had to go so bad I was almost puking. But since I was stationed on a submarine, I wasn't running to a normal bathroom, I had to open this watertight hatch about two feet off the ground.
I somehow manage to un-do the heavy mechanism and lift one leg through—and my colon unloads with a fury unmatched. The charge is running out of my boxers, out through the leg of my coveralls, onto the deck, and rolling a few inches to the horrified gaze of the rest of my watch team standing behind me. Through the strange mixture of embarrassment, shame, and nausea from having to poop so bad, I can't manage to say anything except, "Oopsies!"
That was the most embarrassing thing I think I've ever had to endure.
49. The Limp
This little event took place about a year ago, and it is by far the most embarrassing moment of my life. I was at university during lunch hours, and I suddenly felt an urge to release the chocolate hostages. This is actually a rare event, as I’m not really comfortable pooping in public, but as the university was almost empty, I figured the situation was at least as good as it could be.
In my search for the most abandoned bathroom on campus, I eventually found the perfect spot. It was clean and big, it even had some fancy armrests on each side. I sat down and enjoyed one of my best poops ever. It was huge, it was liquid and it smelled fantastic (from my POV). I sat there pondering, and started reading the newspaper. After about 20-25 minutes, I had to get ready for a lecture and started finishing.
The lecture room was nearby so I wasn’t really in a hurry though. I folded the newspaper neatly and put it my bag, washed my hands, and opened the door. You probably guessed it, but no, not only one person was waiting, TWO people were waiting, IN their wheelchairs, each of them with their personal handicap assistant (this is normal in Norway). In a moment of shock and embarrassment, I realized I had chosen the only handicap wheelchair accessible bathroom on the entire campus.
The floor was swallowing me. It felt like a blackout. I was traveling through distant galaxies, and then I just froze. I stood still like a model posing for a painter. It was the longest seconds in my life. Well, this is where it gets uber awkward; some part of me thought, “Hey, we got this bro, relax.” and then I decided to walk with a limp, without saying a thing. The worst part was that when I first started dragging my right foot in the most over-exaggerated manner you can imagine, I knew it was too late to stop, I had to finish my act. I have never been so embarrassed.
50. A Family Affair
When I was 14, I was at a family friend’s Bar Mitzvah and I didn't know anyone. So, I was sitting there alone and then I saw this cute girl in the corner. I went over to talk to her and then we ended up just walking around this hotel and making out for about an hour (at 14, that was a big deal).
Then she went off to do something. About 15 minutes later I was sitting alone again when my mom called me over and said, "I didn't know she would be here, but this is my cousin and this is her daughter.” I look at the girl and realize that my second cousin is the girl I had just made out with. A moment of horror as we look at each other and shake hands. She still hasn't made eye contact with me since then.
Sources: Reddit
