The human mind is a fascinating, intricate and complex entity yet to be fully explored. So imagine what the wondrous mind is capable of when under the influence of anesthesia and medicine. These Redditors and people on Quora share some of their funniest and often most embarrassing stories of waking up from surgery.
1. A Restless Night
My grandmother gets VERY angry when she comes out of anesthesia and swears everyone had mistreated her during surgery. One day, it went way too far. The night after her hip surgery, she had lots of angry accusations and had to be tied to the bed for a good portion of the day.
I spent the night with her at the hospital. She had a confusing and restless night and was in a lot of pain, but very out of it. The next day, the doctor came in to talk to her about being moved to the rehab center. She started ranting about how it better not be the same place she slept in last night because they made her sleep on the concrete floor of a barn.
Everyone tried reasoning with her, but she would just point at me and say, “Ask that girl. She was there”. After a few minutes of increasingly agitated ranting, I just said, “It’s a different place, Nanny”. And that settled that.
2. What’s Your Name?
When my daughter was two years old, she went in for a second emergency surgery following a complication in which a previous tonsillectomy caused an arterial bleed. We were understandably on edge waiting to hear if she was okay.
So after what seemed like forever, a very dubious-looking nurse comes into the hallway and approaches me and says, "Are you Larissa”?—which is my first name. I must have turned gray, thinking the worst had happened.
The nurse was quick to reassure me that she was fine. I guess after coming out of anesthesia for the second time in 24 hours, my daughter was bewildered and couldn't remember the word "mom". Instead, she started screaming, "Where is Larissa”?! like nobody's business.
3. The Ultimatum
My grandmother desperately needed a hip replacement. She didn't want the surgery, but it had reached the point where my grandfather couldn't care for her unless she got it. He had to give her the ultimatum to either have the surgery or move into assisted living, something she absolutely did not want.
She had some onset of dementia, so everyone was extremely worried about what the anesthesia would do to her mental condition. After the surgery, they were asking her questions to see if the anesthesia had affected her cognitive functions.
My grandfather asked, "Do you know who I am”? Her response was, "You're the dirty rotten little so-and-so who did THIS to me" as she pointed at her leg.
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4. Appreciation Overload
After my husband's surgery, I went to see him in recovery. He was super eager to leave and was trying to remember where he had parked. I said, “Don’t worry Babe, I’ll bring the car around”. This is where it got weird. He was astonished. “YOU know where the car is”?!
“I do. I drove us here”, I replied.
“You DROVE US HERE? Oh my god, you drove us here? Thank you”!! he shouted in astonishment.
“You’re welcome. I was happy to do it”, I said, trying to hide my smile. “Oh my god, you drove us here?! Oh wow” he kept repeating. He was close to tears at this point.
We then drove to a nearby restaurant for lunch where he proceeded to stare intently at a novelty salt shaker before nodding off.
5. A Hazy Discovery
When I was 10 years old, I had to have six adult teeth pulled in order for my other adult teeth to fit in my mouth after getting braces. I was given laughing gas before the surgery. We couldn't have predicted what happened. I woke up with a huge rash and severe hallucinations.
I ended up standing up on the stretcher while they were wheeling me to the recovery room and I was singing "I Feel Pretty". Then once in the room, I continued to stand on the stretcher and tell my mom— who I refused to believe was actually my mom at the time—that I "needed to go to the light", which was actually the ceiling light.
That's the story of how I found out I'm allergic to anesthetics. My poor mother.
6. Communication Fiasco
I had a bad wisdom tooth extraction. I'm highly resistant to pain medication and anesthesia in general, so they seriously went overboard with the anesthesia for me. I was out like a light.
After the surgery, I was taken to the car in a wheelchair. When I got there, I kept saying, "But I can't drive it right now, they'll arrest me"! and protested pretty heavily about getting in it even though it was the passenger's seat and my mom was driving.
What I do remember was that on the way home, my gauze of course got all soggy and gross. When I went to take it out, I couldn't move my arms for whatever reason, so I started freaking out. My mom asks me, “What's wrong?” but I can't communicate because I have a mouth full of soggy gauze.
Then I start crying and wailing, "I'M DYING! THEY SLAUGHTERED ME"! It got worse. Meanwhile, my poor mom can't understand a darn word I'm saying. So the two of us start freaking out in the car the entire way home.
At some point, I realize I can at least move my legs, so I calm down a little. When we pull into the garage, I start to think it's all very funny. She's still upset because I had been crying the entire ride home. She takes the gauze out of my mouth and is still very worried and asks again, "What's wrong”!?
I just answered, "The Russians", and then burst into a fit of laughter. I have no idea what I was thinking. I got a whap for making her worry.
7. Serenade To Forget
I was in to have my wisdom teeth pulled and the dental assistant who was prepping me was absolutely gorgeous. She was probably one of the most beautiful women I'd ever laid eyes on. I was so nervous about getting my teeth pulled, but she was really sweet and really helped to settle my nerves.
So I was feeling alright about the situation as I went under, but it all went so wrong for me. When I woke up she had the biggest smile on her face. The doctor was also giggling the entire time while finishing up my paperwork.
I figured I must have done something stupid like snoring, and just left it alone as I was pretty embarrassed. Much to my surprise, when I returned for my check up, the same girl was there, and she actually asked if I remembered any of the procedure.
I thought long and hard about it, but couldn't come up with anything. So I asked if I had done something really stupid because I remembered them laughing and explained I had been embarrassed about it. What she said next absolutely made my jaw drop. Apparently while I was out, I decided it would be a good idea to become the suavest Casanova ever.
She explained that I had just been straight up with her and told her she was beautiful, and proceeded to ask her out on a date. But as if that wasn't bad enough, when she replied that she actually had a boyfriend, I then proceeded to sing some One Republic songs as I felt it was too late to apologize for being so upfront in my advances.
It wasn't a total wash though because she said it had made her day. I didn't feel too bad because heck— I didn't remember any of it!
8. Don’t Do It
I was once performing a routine mastectomy on an old lady, who was very healthy for her age. Nearing the very end of the procedure, when we were almost done with closing the skin, we noticed something was wrong—the beeping of the machines changed tone.
The heart beat monitor started going slower and slower, which meant that the heart suddenly started to slow down. The anesthesiologist quickly got to work and asked us what was happening. “Nothing,” we answered, “we’re just finishing closing the skin! We’ll be done in less than 5 minutes”.
So he says we should hurry, because he would like to wake her up since things started to look very strange here. Once we were done, she was better, and the anesthesiologist said he had no clue what had happened. Her heartbeat almost stopped from out of the blue.
When she’s waking up, the anesthesiologist is talking to her and asking,”Hello, can you hear me? Can you open your eyes for me”? She suddenly does, and says, “Aaaawwww, why did you bring me back?? It felt so good! I saw this white light, then this very nice bearded old man called my name, and I was going towards him. But suddenly I was sucked back into this hole and now I’m here! Why didn’t you let me go”?
We are now all looking at each other like whaaaaaat??? Now I feel like I should tell patients, while they’re going under, “Please refrain from walking towards the white light—it’s a trap"!
9. It’s For The Best
A little over ten years ago, I needed surgery on my knee. I had been in excruciating pain for almost a year and had been on crutches for six months. I had a scope done one month prior and had been on bed rest and on pain medication for the remaining month with no solutions.
Some doctors were under the impression that I was seeking attention because until the scope was done, they couldn't figure out what was wrong. But they made a horrible realization. It turned out I had what is known as a slipped meniscus. It was still attached at the ends, but came unattached in the middle and needed to be anchored to my tibia with a titanium hook.
I was not informed before my surgery that I would wake up with a full leg cast from hip to ankle. I had been in pain for so long and was so exhausted that at this point I was resigned to drastic measures. When I awoke from the surgery, I had a reaction to the anesthesia and was shivering and freezing.
So the nurses put blankets in what looked like a giant microwave and covered me in heated blankets. It was very nice. I couldn't control much of my body and was still very much under the effects of the medication when I realized I couldn't feel or move my leg at all.
At this point I turned to the nurse and said, "They couldn't fix me could they? They just cut off my leg. I knew it—oh well. It's probably for the best". And I went back to sleep. Apparently, the nurses had a great laugh about this because the nurse I said it to was the mother of one of my childhood friends and she told everyone what I had said.
At that point, I think I really would have been fine with having only one leg. I was seriously considering just chopping it off after almost a full year of non-stop, agonizing pain. I really thought anything would be better than what I was dealing with at the time. I know now that I was wrong but it still makes for a good story.
10. English Confusion
My mother had surgery about a year ago. When she awoke after the procedure, the doctor asked her several questions. She always responded in Spanish. My mom knows some broken Spanish because of her job, but she never speaks it. Until then.
Confused, the doctor asked my sister if my mom could speak English. My sister said, “Yes” and told my mom to stop speaking in Spanish. This only made it weirder. The doctor then asked my mom to count to ten. She counted to ten—in Hawaiian.
My mother also takes Hawaiian dance classes where all the dancers learn the lyrics to traditional Hawaiian songs. They also use Hawaiian numbers for the cadence and steps. The doctor was concerned, but my sister assured him that she was actually answering the questions.
I guess it was the anesthesia, but she just couldn't answer certain questions in English.
11. Please Don’t Tell
I'm a doctor. A young boy snapped his tibia in a sledding accident. When he was coming out of the sleep, he kept begging us not to tell his mom he smoked some grass for the first time the day before. There was just one hilarlious problem. His mom was IN the room while this was taking place.
12. Mind Your Manners
The nurse was trying to wake me up after my wisdom teeth surgery, and said, “Okay, it’s time to open your eyes. Can you open your eyes for me”? I said, “Say pleee-eease”! She said please very nicely, and I opened my mouth as wide as I could.
13. First Time
Doctor here. During one of my ER clinicals, we had a guy who was having a catheter put in. I was just there to assist and watch mostly. As we put the catheter in, he looked right at me and said, “This feels just like my first time”. There are so many things he could have meant. I don’t want to know which it was.
14. Slow To Wake Up
Back when I was a nursing assistant, I had to “babysit” a couple of conscious sedation in-patients who were slow to wake up once they got back up on the floor. I had to check their vitals every 15 minutes, rouse them if they got too sleepy or had slowed respirations, etc. It turned funny so fast. One of the patients was having a full-on conversation with a “Get Well” balloon in the room.
Then again, the other kept trying to touch my chest every time I took their vitals.
15. A Nasty Fall
I knew a Russian skater once, Tatiana. She had a bad fall and Russian doctors performed surgery, unsuccessfully. She also developed a nasty infection. The US Government offered to treat her, and she was flown to Boston and whisked into emergency surgery.
Upon waking, she looked around briefly, heard the staff talking, and said in Russian: "Wake me up when I can speak English".
16. This Is So Much Fun
I'm a nurse. We had to slide board a patient from the stretcher to his bed after an endoscopy. This is when you put a board between the bed and the stretcher, then grab the patient and slide them over to the bed with the sheet underneath them.
My patient screamed, “WHEEEE”! and then proceeded to tell us that these were the best medications ever and that it felt like the 60s again.
17. Forgotten Love
As part of my graduate program, I did a short stint working in recovery. While there, a male patient proposed to me a couple of times, only to walk past me in the corridor a day later and not recognize me!
18. This Isn’t Just Another Routine Surgery
During my husband’s gallbladder surgery, it got super scary. He woke up and instantly grabbed one of the surgeons by the throat. Apparently, the anesthesiologist had to "give him enough to drop him like an elephant". There was an awkward follow-up appointment after that.
19. Nothing To Laugh About
My brother got his wisdom teeth taken out not long ago. When he woke up from the surgery, he started laughing a lot, super hard, for a long time and in a monotone. After a couple minutes of just flatline laughter, he stopped and mumbled, “chicken” like it’s what he was laughing about. I don't know why but it stopped him from laughing for a bit.
20. Try Not To Laugh
I had a patient in his 50s attempt to motorboat his wife when she came to pick him up. She was mortified. I managed to keep a straight face while giving her all his post-op instructions.
21. You Don’t Say
After her C-section, the female patient asked me how many chickens she had, because she had beef with pig. Her husband translated later what she meant: “How much did the baby weigh because she had a bet with her hubby”.
alxwak
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22. This Isn’t Funny Anymore
After my 20-year-old sister got her wisdom teeth out, she got in the car and started bawling. She wouldn’t stop crying but kept trying to put her fingers in her mouth.
When I got her back to my apartment, she had a hard time staying upright, so I helped support her as we walked up to the door. She was still crying, but was now trying to do a heel click. We almost fell over.
My neighbor saw us and ran over to help open my door. We got her inside. She then proceeded to spend another hour crying about how she wanted to write a Harry Potter/Pride and Prejudice crossover ballet, in which she would play Dumbledore, Lizzie Bennet, and Mr Darcy herself.
I then asked her who I would play. She said,” Hedwig and Mr Collins”. That’s when it stopped being entertaining.
23. A Numbing Experience
During my dentist appointment, I suddenly woke up from a shot of anesthetic. I got up, and ran through the office. Dental assistants were chasing me. I ran to the washroom, still doped up. I looked into the mirror and while pawing my numb face said, "I need to make sure I don't look like Joan Rivers".
24. Terrifying Moment
I had a colonoscopy back in my mid 20s. I kept opening my eyes during the procedure so they eventually had to tape my eyes shut. When I woke up from the surgery, I couldn't see anything. I started screaming at the top of my lungs thinking that I was blind.
My mom ripped the tape off and told me to shut the heck up. She never swore, so that was even scarier than being blind.
25. So In Love
A few days before Thanksgiving, I had to look after a rather large female patient who had surgery for kidney stones. When she was waking up, she looked over and saw my surgical tech, who is a short, stubby dude in his mid 40s, and said to me, “I think I’m in love with him”.
Then she shouted, “Hey, you! Wanna go out for tacos? You can come over for Thanksgiving dinner. I’d even dump my boyfriend for you”. I lost it. I don’t think I ever laughed so hard in my life. This was several years ago. I still give him heck about it.
26. A Sweet Moment
My husband had emergency surgery on Thanksgiving. When he was in recovery, he was in a big room that was totally empty because of the holiday. He was surrounded by beds that were all made up with big fluffy white pillows and blankets. In his haze, he thought they were all whipped cream and kept insisting that he was now a pie.
"I'm a pie now! I'm a pie! I'm a pumpkin pie"! he screamed. He was so happy.
27. A Day To Forget
I was in recovery and just waking up from surgery when I managed to croak out a request for water from the orderly. He brought me some and as I was drinking, I noticed the orderly had a shiner—his eye swollen almost shut, all red and starting to bruise. So I asked, “What happened to you”? I wasn't expecting his answer.
"You did it. Coming out of anesthesia, you got violent and clocked me", he responded. "Oh, that's why my hand hurts", I thought.
I apologized and was told it happens more often than you think. When I got to my room, I had my wife send a dozen donuts to the recovery room staff.
28. I’m Out Of Here
A 15-year-old was waking up from his surgery. He was trying to get out of bed before he was ready. As his nurse, I asked, "Bud, where are you going"?
"I've got to go to my locker", he replied.
"Buddy, you're in the hospital. You can't go to your locker right now. So where are you trying to go”?
He looked me straight in the eye with the most serious expression and said,"The fUtUrE".
29. The Wonderful World Of Medicine
I am an anesthetist, so I hear pretty funny things daily, but one sticks out.
After a routine surgery, we are wheeling the patient out of the room and the stretcher gets caught on a wire—a common occurrence. Well, I look under the stretcher and ask the nurse, "What are we on”? and the patient replies in a super loud voice, "I DUNNO BUT ITS FREAKING AWESOME"! It made me chuckle.
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30. I’m Here Now
My wife was given anesthesia in preparation for a C-section. They let me in the OR right before they started surgery. When I got there, the first thing I said was, "It's okay, Honey. I'm here now". She then responded, "That's nice. Do you know when my husband will be here"?
31. Not A Good Idea
When I woke up from my surgery, my mom thought it would be a good idea to let me keep my phone. So after five minutes of blasting and singing, "Somebody That I Used To Know", I texted my crush from school and asked her to marry me and bear me seven children.
32. Ringleader Extraordinaire
Upon waking up from my last colonoscopy, I was convinced the nurses and doctors of the hospital were involved in some evil plot to take over the patients. Take over what exactly? I don't know, but they were going to do it, and I knew my GP was the ringleader.
For some reason, I thought the nurse wheeling my bed to the recovery room was still unaware of the plot her comrades were a part of, so I kept trying to tell her. She wouldn't listen. She just kept laughing at me, especially when I got to the part where we had to "capture Dr Spiegelman and get him before he takes down the hospital". I fell back asleep after that.
33. Apology Accepted
My mom's boyfriend had to have some minor surgery, and when it was over and he went back to his room, he looked at my mom very, very seriously and said, "Honey, I am so, so sorry— I forgot our anniversary—when is it again?—I honestly forgot when we got married—".
He was apparently quite distressed about this and all my mom could do was laugh. He wouldn't let it go for the longest time...even when she told him they weren't married. There's a twist, too. He didn't remember any of it when the medicine wore off but he ended up proposing to her later that year.
34. My Happy Place
I was looking after a patient after she was given a Penthrox inhaler. I asked her, "You said your pain was nine out of ten when you first came in, how is it now"?
"Oh—still a nine—but a good nine. She pauses then continues, “This is a happy place".
After ten minutes, she whispers to me, “Come here, I have a secret”.
I leaned over and said, "Okay, how can I help you"?
Suddenly, she shouts out, "YOU CAN TAKE ALL MY MONEY! WHERE IS MY WALLET? MY PIN FOR MY CREDIT CARD IS—"
I quickly cut her off and said, “How about we just check your blood pressure now! Better lie down for me". But the patient ignored me and whispered, "Wanna know where the safe is"?
I then said, "Hold that thought. How about you tell me after this wears off in a few hours, okay”?
"Okaaaaay''! Then she started singing an off key version of “Bohemian Rhapsody”.
35. Just Inhale
A middle-aged woman with obvious surgical enhancements was coming off of anesthesia from a diagnostic procedure. I was listening to her lungs with my stethoscope and told her, "Alright, nice big breaths". She said, "Thanks, I just got them done". It was so hard to compose myself after that. Now I just say, "Deep breaths".
36. Time For Dinner
Just before one of my mom’s many surgeries to get her leg amputated, she woke up. She saw my father and sister in the room, chatted with them quite normally for a while, and then told them it was getting late so she would make them some dinner.
She got up and proceeded to open every cupboard in the hospital room, getting more and more agitated, because she knew she had brought the ingredients to make a pizza with her. Someone must have taken them! She thought one of the cupboards was an oven, and one was a fridge, and she was just going to cook dinner, I guess.
37. Hit Me
While in recovery, I loudly offered to write a check right then and there for $15,000 to the first person to hit me over the head with a frying pan. I don't know why I thought they'd have one in the recovery room or why I felt that was a reasonable amount to offer— not to mention I obviously didn't have my purse with me, and therefore no check book either.
I’d just had abdominal surgery and was in so much pain I was absolutely desperate to be unconscious. I guess there were no takers because the next thing I remember is waking up in my room.
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38. Shock Revelation
I had a male patient who, as he woke up, mumbled "I'm not pregnant”?!
39. A Fairy Tale Ending
When I woke up from the anesthesia after getting my wisdom teeth removed, I cried all the way home because my mom was such a good mother for taking me home in the carriage with Cinderella and her friends.
40. What A Hoot
As I was leaving the dentist's office after my surgery, I kept saying, "You have to save them". "Save who"? the dentist asked, quite perplexed.
"THE OWLS"! I shouted.
"What owls"? the dentist asked.
"The owls trapped inside the gas machine were HOOTING, I could hear them! You have to save them"! I cried.
41. I’m Not Ready
I once told the nurses to stop because I wasn't asleep yet and wasn't ready. They laughed and said they were done.
42. You’re So Funny
A patient of mine wakes up in the recovery room after left knee replacement surgery and starts talking with his wife, "Well, at least I still have two good knees".
"Oh, Honey", she replied, "You just had knee surg—".
He interrupts in a loud voice, "MY RIGHT KNEE AND MY WEENIE"!
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43. What’s For Dinner?
While in post-op, a patient was in the ICU after brain surgery for a neuroma. He had a brain drain in but otherwise was fine.
I said, “Hi sir, I have your dinner. Do you need help”?
“Naw, I can do it. What is it?? he asked.
“White fish”, I said.
“Ugh—", he retorted.
“It’s brain food”! I exclaimed.
“If that’s the case, I need a whale” he shrieked.
I laughed for two hours after that.
44. Through A Child’s Eye
I’m a nurse and take care of kids. After surgery, this little girl said in a very warbled manner, “Whooaa— a real leprechaun”? I have red hair.
45. The Funniest Show
When I was in the hospital waiting to go into surgery, there was a delay and I ended up waiting about 45 more minutes on a big dose of Demerol. I was watching the funniest show I'd ever seen on TV— just giggling uncontrollably— until my mom gently informed me that the TV wasn't on and I'd been staring at my bedside lamp the whole time.
46. The Joke’s On You
I was in surgery for a knee prosthesis. After the operation was all set and done and I woke up, the team came to tell me that the operation had been successful. Upon hearing this, I said, "So will I be able to use my new hip joint just like my natural one”? At this question, the whole room was stunned into silence.
Everybody was thinking the same thing: Dang, did we operate on the wrong joint? Then all of a sudden, I said, "Relax, I was just having a little fun".
47. An Impressive Show
I had my appendix taken out and according to my wife, the doctor came around with a bunch of student doctors and pulled my gown to the side to show the keyhole scars. The bottom gown is below the pants line and I wasn’t wearing any underwear. My comeback was legendary. Apparently, I said, “Don’t act like you're not impressed”, then closed my eyes and fell back asleep.
They all had a good laugh. My wife was mortified. I still hear about this from her almost 10 years later!
48. Stand Down
I was a student nurse for two semesters. On a placement in a post-op ward, an old guy had a reaction to the anesthetic. He thought he was back in the Korean War, and kept trying to get out of bed to help “comrades”. The two nurses couldn’t figure out how to stop him so they called security. But I knew just what to do.
Meanwhile, I walked up to him in my most official-sounding voice and said to the nurse I was working with, “Stand down Lieutenant, I’ll take over from here”. She looked confused but moved aside. I then said to the patient, “Soldier, you took some shrapnel, you need to rest and recover. Now stand down or I’ll have you court martialed for insubordination. Understood”?!
He looked at me for a second, looked around and replied nice and loud, “Yes ma'am”, and went back to bed.
49. Cheeky And Clever
When I was waking up from knee surgery, the nurse asked me to rate my pain on a scale of one to ten—ten being the worst. My brain had begun to spin, but my eyes were still closed. I was feeling a little cheeky, and with the best English accent I could muster up, I said, "Let's turn this baby up to eleven"—in an homage to Spinal Tap.
In my head, I sounded crisp and lucid— so lucid in fact, I began to silently congratulate myself on my cleverness. I had no idea what I was doing. In reality, it probably sounded like "mfmfmfmf ELEVEN".
During my internal revelry, I heard the nurse say, with much concern, "Doctor, this patient is in severe pain". In a split second, my addled mind transitioned from the pride of my brilliance to sheer terror as my mind screamed, "It was a joke! You know—from a movie! I'm not in pain"!
But alas, my mouth was not cooperating and I actually said nothing as the full dose of pain meds took hold and I can't remember what happened next.
50. Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures
I woke up after being put under to remove a kidney stone, to find two nurses standing to the right of my bed and one to the left. I also— as anyone who's had the procedure will attest—felt the most desperate urge to pee I've ever had, despite the fact that the urologist had fully drained my bladder minutes earlier.
When I come out of anesthesia, I'm told I'm remarkably articulate, cheerful and polite. However, I'm also completely incapable of processing most of what is said to me. This led to a very awkward moment. I spotted a bedpan just out of my reach on the left-hand side of the bed and told the nurses—my wife got very accurate quotes from them after the event—"I'm so terribly sorry, but I'm in urgent need of that bedpan".
They told me the feeling would pass shortly, to which I responded, "I'll just reach over and get it myself, if you don't mind". The nurses aren't keen on seeing just-awake patients get out of post-op beds at any time, but especially not in the first ten seconds of consciousness.
As a result, the nurses all reached in to restrain me. But I persisted and said, "I can assure you I only need a moment". Then it took a turn. I then whack the far right-side nurse's right elbow so I can pull her wrist across the arms of the nearer nurse, trapping both of them.
"I'm so very sorry to make a fuss but it's really quite urgent" I cried. I rock forward, put my left hand behind the far right-side nurse's right shoulder, and use my body weight sagging backwards to pull both of them about three feet past the head of the bed.
"Would you be kind enough to hand me that bedpan for just a moment"? I pull the left-side nurse's reaching right hand with my right hand back towards my right shoulder and use the left hand to apply just enough force above her locked right elbow to keep rotating her overextended upper body away from me.
"I'll just get it myself—I won't be a moment, I promise". I then move my left hand up from the elbow to between her shoulder blades, while she's still turning away, and propel her (gently) past the foot of the bed. At which point they regrouped and piled on—literally.
Two minutes and a great deal of mental clarity later, I said,"I'm so terribly sorry, but did I just make an idiot of myself"? They were kind enough to laugh about it and the head nurse later visited me to say they were all still giggling about it in the break room.
Apparently, I never once sounded even the slightest bit irritated and the hopeful, favor-asking smile never left my face. No one had a bruise to show for the experience, thankfully. The next day, I sent them a card of apology that had little fuzzy boxing gloves attached to it.
There's now a note on my file at that hospital suggesting it's best to restrain me after sedation. Can't say I disagree.
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